Officer Robbin: Are you his wife?
Mary: Oh, no, I'm church secretary. He's actually single.
Pastor Jeff: Well, technically-
Mary: He's single.

Mary: Have you heard from Dr. Sturgis at all?
Meemaw: No. Can you believe the hospital's still holding him for observation?
Mary: Can't you?

Meemaw: You're good at lying. You should do it more often.
Mary: I like your earrings.

Mary: Baby, there's something I need to tell you. Dr. Sturgis is not in the kind of hospital you think he is.
Sheldon: What kind of hospital is he in?
Mary: The psychiatric kind.
Sheldon: Why? What's going on?
Mary: He was having some issues, but he's getting the help he needs, and I'm sure he's gonna be fine.
Sheldon: And you think since he and I are both gifted, I'm going to end up like him?
Mary: Well, it it crossed my mind. Sheldon, you're my baby. It is my job to worry about you. I can't help it.
Sheldon: I'm sorry I cause you so much concern.
Mary: I'm not. Oh. [hugging Sheldon]
Dr. Goetsch: See how valuable a little communication can be?
Mary: You do not take credit for this.

George: How'd you like to go out for dinner on Friday? Just you and me.
Mary: Why?
George: 'Cause you're my wife.
Mary: I was your wife last Friday, and we didn't go to dinner.
George: Mary, I'm asking you on a date.
Mary: Okay.
George: [chuckles] Is that a yes?
Mary: Sure.
George: All right, then.
Mary: If you did something stupid, I'm gonna find out.

Mary: [answering phone] Hello?
Brenda Sparks: I heard your daughter's playing baseball.
Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: What were you thinking?
Mary: Excuse me?
Brenda Sparks: My Billy's on that team. Baseball's for boys.
Mary: Says who?
Brenda Sparks: Says everyone. It's not ladylike. [to Billy] Save some pudding for your father!
Billy Sparks: Aw.
Brenda Sparks: Okay, where was I?
Mary: You were telling me what was ladylike and then yelled at your son like a dock foreman.

Mary: There are more important things than money.
George: That's cute. You should knit that on a pillow.
Mary: [to herself] Maybe I'll push that pillow over your face.

Mary: "Lord, I really need you right now. I have tried so hard to lead my family to your light, but so far, Sheldon doesn't believe in you, Missy thinks you're a magic trick, and you're not a teenage girl, so Georgie doesn't think about you at all. I never thought I'd take a cross away from my own child, but what choice did I have? She was rubbing it on sporting equipment. I didn't think there was a wrong way to pray, but leave it to that girl to find one. Please give me the strength to keep guiding my family to you. I can't do it on my own. Amen."

Mary: [praying] Lord, I am trying my best. Please help me with this situation. Amen. [sees a "love thy neighbor" stitching on a pillow] I meant fix him, not me.

Georgie: So how many times have you seen Road House?
Mary: Sorry, can't hear you.
Georgie: More or less than five? 'Cause that'show many times I've seen it.
Mary: That's how many years you're gonna be grounded if you don't drop it right now.
Georgie: Does Dad know you like this movie?
Mary: [vacuum stops] No, and it is gonna stay that way.
Georgie: Why?
Mary: Because it is not something I should be watching.
Georgie: Then why are you watching it?
Mary: It is a guilty pleasure, so will you drop it now?
Georgie: Relax. I ain't gonna tell nobody.
Mary: Thank you.
Georgie: I think it's awesome you like it.
Mary: It is pretty cool how Dalton doesn't drive his Mercedes to the bar 'cause he knows they're gonna trash it.
Georgie: Dalton's no dummy.
Mary: No, sir.

Georgie: How awesome was it when he fights those four guys at once?
Mary: They were asking for it. Dalton doesn't fight unless he has to.
Georgie: True, 'cause when the doctor says, "How many of these fights you win?" he says...
Both: Nobody ever wins in a fight. [both laugh]
Mary: Mm, and I like how smart he is. But doesn't feel like he has to show it off.
Georgie: No kidding. Maybe Sheldon should watch it.
Mary: Hey, what was Dalton's third rule of being a good bouncer?
Georgie: Be nice.
Mary: That's right.

Missy: And at lunch, an eighth-grade boy said, and I quote, "I like Funyuns, too."
Mary: Wow.
Missy: I know.

Pastor Rob: Knock, knock.
Mary: Oh, hi.
Pastor Rob: Just thought I'd show you how to do it on the first try. [Mary chuckles softly] You all right?
Mary: Um... Yeah. Just, you know, life.
Pastor Rob: Mm. I've heard that can be rough.
Mary: Mm.
Pastor Rob: Well, if you ever want to talk or... grab a smoke, I'm around.
Mary: I'm good, thanks. [chuckles] Although, um... A cigarette doesn't sound bad.
Pastor Rob: I was hoping someone would help me get to the end of this pack.
Mary: Then we're quitting.
Pastor Rob: Absolutely.
Mary: It's a disgusting habit.
Pastor Rob: Filthy.

Missy: I thought Mom was going.
George: We're exploring our options.
Mary: Well, I've been thinking about it. You've traveled the world. I've never left the country.
George: [scoffs] The Army isn't "traveling the world".
Mary: More than I've done.

Mary: I think my husband's having a heart attack!
Nurse Robinson: I need an RRT and a crash cart.
Mary: Over here.
Nurse Robinson: Sir, are you having chest pains right now?
George: Yeah, a little bit.
Nurse Robinson: Any numbness or pain in your arms?
George: Maybe this one.
Nurse Robinson: Shortness of breath?
Mary: Enough questions. He's a fat, middle-aged man with chest pains. Do something!