Mary Quotes
Quote from the episode Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
Mary: Okay, let's say grace. Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus," feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.
Tam: I'm actually Catholic.
Mary: Oh! Well, that's too bad.
Quote from the episode A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
Mary: Now, the thing you have to understand is Shelly is incredibly bright. I mean, his IQ is right up there with Albert Einstein and that English wheelchair fella.
Quote from the episode A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
Mary: Aw, baby, everything all right?
George Jr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Mary: You might feel better if you do. Is it about a girl?
George Jr.: How do you know?
Mary: Sometimes a mother can sense these things.
Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
George Sr.: Hang on. What did you think was gonna happen when we sent him to high school?
Mary: I don't know, that he'd learn stuff, and then, come back home and be my baby forever.
George Sr.: Mare, it's good for him. He may start college in a couple years, what happens then?
Mary: Off the top of my head, he and I share a dorm room.
George Sr.: You know I'd laugh at that if I didn't kind of believe you.
Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
Mary: I don't see them.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?
Mary: Mom.
Mary Sue: Behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Mary: Would you please be a little more discreet?
Meemaw: She doesn't know it's for you.
Mary: Well, it sure isn't for you.
Quote from the episode A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science
Mary: Oh, um... I saw you and Brenda Sparks out for a walk this mornin'. That's fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. Nice way to start the day.
Mary: Yeah. Um... I'd go with George, but he's a gym teacher, and as a group, they're not much for walkin'.
Pastor Jeff: Well, you keep asking, maybe he'll come around.
Mary: Good idea, thank you.
Pastor Jeff: It's not just witty church signs up here.
Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
George Sr.: Um, I need to tell you something.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?
Mary: What did you do?
Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism
Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.
Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
Mary: Who said you could go to Fort Davis?
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer.
Mary: Well, I didn't say you could go.
Sheldon: It's fine. I'll be with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: For how long?
Sheldon: Three days.
Mary: And they're okay with this?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't they be?
Mary: No reason.
Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
Pastor Jeff: "Life is too short to be married to a loser. I'm leaving you. Love, Selena."
Mary: "Love, Selena"? Well, that's kind of a mixed message.
Quote from the episode A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?
Mary: No, not that I remember.
George Sr.: Really? You cried for, like, seven months.
Mary: Those were tears of joy. [WEAK LAUGH]
George Sr.: What about all those times you punched me?
Mary: Punches of joy.
Quote from the episode A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles
Mary: Shelly, I was looking at your college catalog. There are a lot of fun clubs. Might be a nice way to make some new friends.
Sheldon: I don't need friends. I have Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: And he's fun, but... did you know that there's a Science Fiction Club? You like science fiction.
Sheldon: I prefer science fact.
Mary: Then maybe you might enjoy the Astronomy Club. Outer space and such.
Missy: Ooh. You can meet other people from your planet.
Mary: Read your magazine.
Sheldon: Why are you so interested in me joining a club?
Mary: I just want to make sure that you get the full college experience.
Sheldon: I suppose my so-called peers could benefit from my presence.
Mary: And you might benefit, too.
Sheldon: A nice thought, but I don't spread my sunshine for selfish reasons. Give me the catalog.
Missy: You tried, and that's what counts.
Quote from the episode White Trash, Holy Rollers and Punching People
Mary: [answers phone] Hello?
President Hagemeyer: Mrs. Cooper, it's Linda Hagemeyer.
Mary: Is everything okay?
President Hagemeyer: Well, I was hoping that you could tell me. [chuckles] Uh, Sheldon was in my office earlier and was pretty upset about the situation at home.
Mary: What did he tell you?
President Hagemeyer: Nothing much, really, just that his parents are fighting all the time, his older brother got a girl pregnant and his sister punched a little boy in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well... [sighs] ...it's been a busy couple of days. Just, you know, life... One thing after another.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, ain't that the truth. Anyway, I'm sure that you know this university has invested quite a bit in Sheldon's progress, and, uh, well, not to be critical, but... he didn't come to you complaining about me.
Mary: What are you saying? Are you saying that I'm not doing a good job as his mother? Because I am doing the best that I can to hold this family together, and I am tired of everyone blaming me. [Missy is listening in the hallway] I have half a mind to get in my car and drive until I run out of road and then start my life over again with a different name.
President Hagemeyer: Okay. Sure. So, uh... sounds like you've got a handle on this. So good to talk to you. Um, have a lovely evening.
Mary: You too! [hangs up] [cries] [Missy hugs Mary] Oh... [sniffles]
Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin
Mary: I thought you'd be at work.
George Jr.: I work nights this week.
Mary: Oh, I didn't realize the Laundromat was open late.
George Jr.: I did that. People work during the day, it seemed like an untapped market.
Mary: Smart. You know, if you want to advertise your new hours, you could take out an ad in the church bulletin.
George Jr.: That ain't a bad idea.
Mary: Maybe I'm where you get it from. Oh! It could say something like, "Jesus washes away your sins, and we'll wash away your stains."
George Jr.: [chuckles] Wow! You are really good at this. [Mary laughs] [Georgie rolls his eyes]
Quote from the episode Quirky Eggheads and Texas Snow Globes
Meemaw: Smart.
Mary: Thank you.
Meemaw: You're good at lying. You should do it more often.
Mary: I like your earrings.
Quote from the episode A Clogged Pore, a Little Spanish and the Future
Mary: How was your day?
George Sr.: Awful.
Mary: Oh. Well... I have good news.
George Sr.: I could use it.
Mary: I got a job at the bowling alley.
George Sr.: [gulps] Working with Brenda?
Mary: Every day. [phone rings]
George Sr.: That is... really... really good news.
Mary: Mm-hmm.
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!
Quote from the episode A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles
Mary: I thought you were gonna join a club.
Sheldon: Too bad there isn't a Dr. Linkletter Haters Club. I would join that in a heartbeat. Maybe I should start one.
Mary: Starting your own club is an interesting idea. Maybe just not one based on, you know, hating someone.
Sheldon: You started that group at church for parents who hate The Simpsons.
Mary: It's not about hate. We just write letters to get it taken off the air. [chuckles] And it's gonna happen any day now.
Adult Sheldon: Ironically, the only Simpson she did like was O.J. Time's funny that way.
Quote from the episode A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
Mary: But Sheldon's already self-conscious about being different from other kids. I worry how this might affect him.
George Sr.: You're being too protective. He's a rock.
Mary: A rock? Are we raising the same child?
Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.
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