Missy: Sing "Ice Ice Baby."
Pastor Jeff: Don't know it.
Missy: How about Paula Abdul?
Pastor Jeff: Nope.
Missy: Ooh! The Teenage Mutant Ninja theme.

Dale: I figured we'd order pizza.
Missy: Okay.
Dale: What do you want on it?
Missy: Everything except onions, green peppers, mushrooms, spinach...
Dale: No vegetables. Got it.
Meemaw: How about a little salad, too?
Missy: If you like wasting money.
Meemaw: Spoken like a true Texan.

Missy: I feel like this cover really says who I am now.
Sheldon: That looks like all your notebooks.
Missy: Missy got ponies. Melissa gets horses.

Missy: Will this make me look older?
Meemaw: Definitely.
Missy: But not like you older, right?
Meemaw: Right.

George Sr.: I talked to him. Where is your mother?
Missy: She had to leave for work.
George Sr.: I have to work, too.
Missy: You also get to take me to school.
George Sr.: What am I supposed to do about your brother?
Missy: Call me old-fashioned, but I say spank him.
George Sr.: Your mom won't let me.

Missy: Wil Wheaton's cute.
Sheldon: If you like him, then you should watch Star Trek with me.
Missy: He's not that cute.

Sheldon: Missy, has your social experience in middle school been going well?
Missy: So good, it's nuts.
Sheldon: Are you a member of any clubs?
Missy: Well, in the cafeteria, we call our table Heather M. and the Funky Lunch Bunch.
Sheldon: Well, I meant school-sanctioned clubs.
Missy: The F.L.B. is a pretty big deal.

Missy: I can't believe you and Meemaw almost died tonight.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say we almost died.
Missy: Well, that's what I'm saying at school tomorrow.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: It's called good storytelling.
Sheldon: But it's lying.
Missy: They don't know that.
Sheldon: You weren't even in the car.
Missy: Doesn't matter. Shay McElheney's dad had a kidney stone... she got out of homework for a week.
Sheldon: I can't believe you'd use my traumatic experience to manipulate people.
Missy: Really? I can.
Hey, did the engine catch fire?
Sheldon: No!
Missy: You're in shock. You don't know what happened.

Mary: I can't get him in the car.
George Sr.: So what now?
Mary: So he's not going to school.
Missy: You know, on The A-Team, Mr. T is afraid to fly, and they give him special milk to put him to sleep.
George Sr.: Ooh.
Mary: No!
Missy: Aw.

Missy: Son of a Mitch.
Mary: Melissa Cooper.
Missy: What? I said "Mitch." There's nothing wrong with that.
Mary: But you meant another word.
Missy: I'm sorry, what other word?
Mary: Just watch it.
Missy: Hold on. So you're saying if I have a friend whose dad's name is Mitch, I'm not allowed to talk about him?
Mary: I know what you're doing.
Missy: Okay, I just feel bad for my friend. That poor son of a Mitch.
Mary: Melissa Cooper.

Sheldon: You like boys, and you're half an inch taller than me now.
Missy: It's called growing up.
Sheldon: Well, I don't like it.
Missy: Trust me, 20 years from now you're not gonna be sitting around, talking about Star Trek and reading comic books.
Sheldon: Would you like to bet on that?
Missy: A dollar.
Sheldon: Hmm. [they pinky swear]
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] She still hasn't paid me. And guess who's wearing Star Trek underpants right now.

Missy: Think they'd pay a dollar apiece?
George Jr.: Sure. Just tell them it's a special limited edition. People go nuts for that.
Missy: [gasps] Like the Shamrock Shake.
George Jr.: Exactly.
Missy: Every year, I'm like, "This tastes like toothpaste." But every year, I buy it.

Missy: [on the phone] Pastor Jeff, this is Missy Cooper.
Pastor Jeff: Hey there, Missy. What can I do for you?
Missy: This is about what I can do for you.
Pastor Jeff: Okay.
Missy: How would you and your wife like a night away from the baby? Maybe a movie? I hear Beethoven's funny. It's about a big dumb dog.
Pastor Jeff: Are you offering to babysit?
Missy: Yes, I am.
Pastor Jeff: 'Cause I asked your mom about it a while back, and she said you weren't interested.
Missy: Oh, really? Well, she's wrong.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic. How's Friday at 6:00?
Missy: Perfect.
Pastor Jeff: See you then. What was the name of that dog movie again?
Missy: Beethoven. And it's PG, so God's cool with it.

Missy: [enters] I am never doing that again.
Mary: Is the baby okay?
Missy: Yeah.
George Jr.: What's going on?
Missy: Babies are the worst. That's what's going on.
Mary: She babysat for the first time.
Missy: And the last time.
George Jr.: Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Missy: Look at this. Food, powder, vomit, pee. You don't want to know.
Mary: You should have called me.
Missy: When? I didn't have a minute to myself. You were so right.
Mary: Well, it's not about me being right.
Missy: I need a shower and a bath. Never again! [exits]
Mary: You okay?
George Jr.: [voice quavers] Uh-huh.
Missy: [o.s.] Never again!

Missy: Movies lie. Punching people hurts.
Sheldon: Try being the punchee.

George Jr.: I can't believe they're making me sit and eat at the kiddie table.
Missy: It's better here.
George Jr.: How?
Missy: We don't have to pray, eat our vegetables, and we can curse.
George Jr.: Hmm. Maybe you're right.
Missy: Course I am, you ass-face.

Mary: George Junior, give me back that bow-tie right now!
George Jr.: I didn't take it!
Mary: Don't you lie to me!
George Jr.: I'm not lying!
Mary: We'll see about that.
George Jr.: Stay out of my room!
Missy: She's gonna find your dirty magazines.
George Jr.: Shut up!
Missy: You are not having a good day.

Mary: You want me to cook those eggs for you, baby?
Missy: No. They're a gift.

Missy: Why does he get a pork shake?

Missy: Oh, Sugar Apple, I love you so much.
Sheldon: Your affection for inanimate objects frightens me.
Mary: I'm glad you're happy, Missy.
Missy: I'm even happier that I got a toy, and Sheldon got nothin'.