Missy: Think they'd pay a dollar apiece?
George Jr.: Sure. Just tell them it's a special limited edition. People go nuts for that.
Missy: [gasps] Like the Shamrock Shake.
George Jr.: Exactly.
Missy: Every year, I'm like, "This tastes like toothpaste." But every year, I buy it.

Missy: Eat dirt. Eat it.
Meemaw: Kick his ass!
Missy: Does it taste good? Huh?
Dale: Yeah, listen to your meemaw. Kick his ass!
Missy: You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.
Mary: Do something. Break it up.
George Sr.: H-Hang on. She's winning.
Mary: Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy!
Meemaw: Punch him in the nuts!

Missy: Someone's Underoos are in a knot.
Sheldon: My Underoos are fitting just fine, thank you.
Missy: Then why is there a stick up your butt?
Sheldon: Stop making inquiries about my bottom.
Missy: But I enjoy it.

[Sheldon sits on the top of the couch with his feet on the cushion]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm practicing the philosophy of cynicism... The ancient Greek view that the rules of society should be ignored.
Missy: If you're gonna break rules, you can do better than that.
Sheldon: How?
[Missy pushes Sheldon off the couch]

Adult Sheldon: Today I thought we could talk about relationships, so I've invited my lovely wife Amy to help.
Amy: Thanks for letting me join in.
Adult Sheldon: Are you jealous when I do this without you?
Amy: No.
Adult Sheldon: Because one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships is jealousy. Now, Amy, did you know jealousy is triggered in the left part of the cerebral cortex?
Amy: I'm sorry, are you about to explain neuroscience to your wife, the Nobel Prize-winning neuroscientist?
Adult Sheldon: Yes. Jealous?
Amy: I'll tell you when there isn't a microphone in front of us.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, mystery. That'll keep a relationship on its toes.
Amy: Your bathroom schedule is on the refrigerator. We have no mystery.
Adult Sheldon: Moving on, physical intimacy. I believe I said "physical intimacy," [title card changes] which can pose another challenge in relationships.
Amy: Especially when one partner doesn't want to be intimate as frequently as the other.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, who are we talking about? [stammers] Don't tell me. Let the mystery continue.
Amy: Just read the next one.

Adult Sheldon: Money is a frequent source of conflict in a relationship.
Amy: Thankfully that's never been a problem for us.
Adult Sheldon: Says the woman who took away my comic book allowance.
Amy: Uh, to start a college fund for our children.
Adult Sheldon: Comic books are an investment.
Amy: There are better places to invest our money than that weird wolf man you like.
Adult Sheldon: His name is Wolverine and you know it.
Amy: Okay we're off on a tangent. I'm taking over. Money can be a source of conflict in a relationship, even having too much.
Adult Sheldon: Wh... Hey, this is my story.
Amy: I know. Jealous?

Missy: I'm gonna bring a bunch to school.
George Jr.: How much you gonna charge for it?
Missy: Nothing. They're my friends.
George Jr.: You think Ronald McDonald let his friends eat for free?
Missy: Ronald McDonald isn't real.