Sheldon: Wil Wheaton plays Wesley Crusher. He's a child prodigy who's very young to be on the bridge of a Galaxy-class starship.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: But he's so intelligent that most people come to rely on him.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: Sounds kind of familiar, huh?
Missy: Okay.

Adult Sheldon: No surprise, despite my adamant protest, I didn't go home.
Instead, I had to stay and suffer in silence like the Southern gentleman my mother raised me to be.
Sheldon: What's this? I asked for red.
Nurse Pryor: All they had was green.
Sheldon: Well, then you and I have a problem, don't we?

Sheldon: Hello. Am I correct that the bus to Dallas has a stop in Rusk?
Stan: Yup.
Sheldon: I'd like to buy one ticket, please.
Stan: You need an adult to buy it.
Sheldon: Oh, I didn't know.
Stan: That's the rules.
Sheldon: I'm just trying to visit my friend in the hospital. Not the regular kind of hospital, a psychiatric hospital. He's actually a brilliant scientist in the field of theoretical physics. Dr. John Sturgis, you may have heard of him. Anyway, he's a great guy. We're almost the same height... And then he and my meemaw became a romantic item, not that there haven't been bumps in the road. I actually helped them by writing up a relationship agreement. I love drawing up contracts. But I don't love drawing. Interesting. Anyway, he doesn't drive. Maybe one day he'll take a bus and you'll get to meet him. Anyway... Even though I'm clearly her favorite grandchild, she swatted my bottom. It didn't hurt that much physically, but emotionally, it stung like the dickens.
Stan: Here you go. One ticket to Dallas with a stop in Rusk.
Sheldon: But that's against the rules.
Stan: I'm an adult, I bought it.
Sheldon: Ooh, a loophole. Thank you. I'd tell you all about the etymology of the word "loophole," but I have a bus to catch.

Sheldon: Hearing that further convinces me I'll never get married.
George Sr.: Never say never.
Sheldon: Why not? You just said it twice.

Ricky: Yeah, they're gonna put a patch on it.
Sheldon: And then it just stays there forever?
Ricky: Yeah, like a Band-Aid you never have to pull off.
Sheldon: That's great, because that's the worst thing about Band-Aids. [Ricky chuckles] They may have removed my gallbladder, but not my wicked sense of humor.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Dr. John Sturgis: In my dreams, I'm usually running for my life from a giant praying mantis.
Sheldon: That's the insect where the female eats the male after mating?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.
Sheldon: I think I understand why you're not married.

Clara: Anyone sitting here?
Sheldon: No.
Clara: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm quite a capable traveler. I've memorized the entire bus schedule for the state of Texas. Ask me anything.
Clara: No, thanks.
Sheldon: Okay, but if at any point you'd like to know what time the bus from Waco arrives in Houston, ask away. 4:15, except on Fridays when they make a local stop in Huntsville.
Clara: No wonder this seat was empty.

Mary: Aw, baby. I'm so sorry you're havin' to deal with this.
Sheldon: It's okay. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Mary: And do you feel stronger?
Sheldon: [contemplating] No.

Sheldon: And then they grounded me. Can you believe it?
Clara: Yes.
Sheldon: But I didn't do anything wrong.
Clara: You did everything wrong. You were nothing but rude and ungrateful.
Sheldon: You really think so?
Clara: The only selfish person in that story is you.
Sheldon: There's a Star Trek episode called "The Devil in the Dark" where the miners thought the Horta was the monster, but actually the miners were the monsters because they were killing its eggs. Are you saying it's like that?
Clara: Sure.

Sheldon: Are there any Vietnamese superheroes?
Tam: There's one called Half-Face.
Sheldon: Why?
Tam: The communist government forced him to build bombs, and one blew off half his face.
Sheldon: The left half or the right half?
Tam: The bottom half.
Sheldon: That's an important half.

Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. Fenley: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'd like to learn to play the violin.
Ms. Fenley: Really? Well, that's terrific. Do you have any experience with stringed instruments?
Sheldon: Stringed instruments, no. String theory, yes. That was a joke. I'm a joker.

Missy: How was your chicken?
Sheldon: Not bad. The dish soap gave it a nice lemony flavor.

Meemaw: Honey, Channel 7 is not coming.
Anchor: [HORN HONKS] You Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am.
Meemaw: You got to be kidding me.
Sheldon: How's my hair look?

Mrs. Costello: Um, how about MIT in Boston?
Sheldon: Do they have a strong physics program?
Mrs. Costello: They're more of an engineering school.
Sheldon: Next.

Sheldon: I was shocked to learn that the Happy Hearth Home Bakeries had been bought out by the Domestic Food Corporation, and they started making their bread faster and cheaper.
Anchor: And you don't like that, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Anchor: And you're collecting signatures to make them stop.
Sheldon: I am. Corporations shouldn't be allowed to make these decisions on their own.
Anchor: Well, who should?
Sheldon: The people who eat the bread. This wouldn't happen if there were centralized control over all these big corporations.
Anchor: Are you suggesting a communist form of government in Texas?
Sheldon: I suppose I am.
Meemaw: Hang on a sec-
Anchor: There you have it. Local boy Sheldon Cooper says communism is what Texas needs.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

Mrs. Costello: Are you interested in applying to a safety school in case you don't get in?
Sheldon: Safety school. You're funny.

Sheldon: Well?
Randall: Do you even have a resume?
Sheldon: No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.

President Hagemeyer: Here we are.
Sheldon: [chuckles] What is this?
President Hagemeyer: A dorm room, and it's all yours. You can study, take naps, do whatever you want.
Sheldon: No one's living here?
President Hagemeyer: Well, we had an Indian exchange student, but he developed a taste for barbecue, so his parents made him go home.
Sheldon: Well, thank you for this.
President Hagemeyer: You're welcome.
Sheldon: It's like I always say, never underestimate the power of complaining.
Adult Sheldon: I've been testing that theory for decades, still works like gangbusters.

Sheldon: There's no telling who could buy that house! What if they have dogs? What if they have birds? What if they have both and the birds learned to bark like dogs?
Mary: Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
Sheldon: For good reason... that house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap? Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
Mary: What's a durian?
Sheldon: A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
Mary: When did you smell that?
Sheldon: I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Mary: It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.
Sheldon: I already live with a kid my age... not a fan!