Meemaw: Well, there must be a way to compromise.
Dale: Compromise? There's no compromise. You won't let me spritz your nasal passages.
Meemaw: Even if I did, that's not gonna stop the tear gas coming out of your pants.
Dale: Onions in, onions out... We talked about this, you know.

Mary: So, how's it going, you two living together?
Meemaw: She's leaving out, "in sin."
Mary: I didn't say it.
Dale: Well, don't we get a pass for being old?
Mary: I didn't say anything.
Meemaw: With his back being all askew, there's not much sinning going on.
Dale: Well, not none. We find ways to be creative.
Mary: I don't want to know. [scoffs]

Dale: Hey there. Alice, isn't it?
Audrey: Audrey.
Dale: Right. What can I do for you, Audrey?
Audrey: I came to visit my granddaughter.
Dale: Not here.
Audrey: Where is she?
Dale: Well, as they say in Canada, she's "oot and aboot."

Meemaw: Is this what you do when I'm not here?
Dale: You could've walked in on a lot worse.

Meemaw: And for your information, you fart all night long.
Dale: It's 'cause of your cooking. Quit feeding me fajitas.

Dale: Hey.
Meemaw: Took you long enough.
Dale: Yeah, I'm old. I had to go to the bathroom.

Meemaw: Hmm. "I overstepped the bounds of friendship. Sorry. John." [answering phone] Hello?
Dale: So, why in the hell would your ex-boyfriend send me a giant cookie?

Dale: Well, I mean, how'd you meet this guy? What, did you try to steal his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Meemaw: Okay, okay, he's a very sweet man.
Dale: Well, I bet he is.
Meemaw: If you must know, he's Sheldon's college professor.
Dale: Smart, short and weird well, that's the whole package right there.
Meemaw: Hey, okay, that's enough.
Dale: Well, I got to ask. Do you feel like you're dating a supermodel right now?

Dale: I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Missy: Meemaw told you?
Dale: She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
Missy: So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
Dale: I was just being nice.
Missy: Since when are you nice?
Dale: Well, don't get used to it. Just go strike out your boyfriend.

Georgie: [answers phone] Hello?
Dale: Hi, it's Dale. Listen, you gotta tell your dad.
Georgie: Well, I will, eventually.
Dale: Well, if you don't, I'm gonna.
Georgie: I just need more time to figure things out.
Dale: Well, your dad's sniffing around here, he's asking a lot of questions.
Georgie: What kind of questions?
Dale: Like why are you talking to me instead of him?
Georgie: Why does he care?
Dale: His feelings are hurt.
Georgie: That's weird.
Dale: I know. 'Cause talking to you ain't great.
George: [opens door] Can I get a hand with something?
Dale: Yeah. [on the phone] Oh, gotta go. I love you, Mom. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
George: Your mom's still alive?
Dale: Huh?

Dale: Hey. Pastor Jeff.
Pastor Jeff: What you doing up there?
Dale: Oh, I was installing security cameras. You know, you can't be too safe.
Pastor Jeff: People rob laundromats? [games chiming]
Dale: Yeah. All the time. I-I got to go grab something. So, help yourself to a washer and... peace be upon you.
Pastor Jeff: And you as well.
Dale: Thank you.

Rich: You got a 50-yard radius from the base. It'll beep when you get close to the edge. If you cross it, we get a call. If you tamper with it, we get a call.
Dale: Will it give her a little zap?
Rich: No.
Dale: Well, how's she gonna learn?
Meemaw: Will it beep if I kill him?
Rich: As long as it's within 50 yards, go for it.

Meemaw: Look who came to visit.
Dale: Oh, great.
Sheldon: You will think it's great when you hear the brilliant legal strategy I have to keep Meemaw out of prison.
Dale: I thought you were a science guy.
Sheldon: I am, but sometimes I like to spread my wings. [makes winged gesture with hands]
Dale: Oh, okay. [mimics Sheldon's gesture] Uh, proceed.

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.

Meemaw: Oh, my grandson's been wanting some weights.
Dale: Sheldon? Hell, can't he just lift a soup can or something?
Meemaw: The other grandson. The pretty one with the hair.