George Sr.: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George Sr.: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George Sr.: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.

Meemaw: At what age do guys stop acting like idiots?
Dale: Oh, no. What'd I do now?
Meemaw: Not you. Georgie's dating an older woman and he's lying about his age.
Dale: Oh. That rascal.
Meemaw: You already knew.
Dale: You don't know what I know.
Meemaw: I see it in your face.
Dale: [sighs] Fine.

Waiter: Can I get y'all started with some drinks?
Meemaw: Yeah. Uh, margaritas?
Waiter: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Split a pitcher?
Dale: Mm, no, I think I'm okay.
Meemaw: More of a beer night?
Dale: No, not really. I'm gonna take a little break. I'll just stick with water.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, you know, I don't do my best thinking after I've been drinking. [laughs]

Dale: What about Georgie's idea?
Meemaw: That dumb Chuck E. Cheese thing? Dale, come on.
Dale: Well, actually, I think it's kind of brilliant.
Meemaw: You think that grown-ups are gonna gamble for some stuffed animals?
Dale: Yeah, that you're buying back from them.
Meemaw: Well, a teddy bear's only worth a couple of bucks.
Dale: It's worth whatever you say it's worth. They win a hundred bucks, then it's worth a hundred bucks.

George Sr.: What are you thinking?!
Dale: I'm thinking I should've went home after your wife left.

Dale: [on the phone] Well, we don't carry hockey skates. Uh, heck, I know of a place up north where you can find them. It's called Canada. [hangs up]

Meemaw: I can't believe we have to drink so much of that garbage.
Dale: [sighs] Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear.
Meemaw: You are so full of crap.
Dale: Well, not for much longer. Excuse me, the festivities have begun.
Meemaw: You're taking that whole thing with you?
Dale: I'm gonna be a while.

Meemaw: Are you disappointed this isn't more like some old cop show?
Dale: I loved Rockford Files.
Meemaw: Well, I tell you what, when he gets here, you're my muscle. If anything goes sideways, you jump in.
Dale: See, now you're talking. I'll stand behind you and I'll crack my knuckles.
Meemaw: With your arthritis?
Dale: It's only bad when it rains.

Meemaw: I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks.
Dale: Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting?
Meemaw: Sure.
Dale: Okay, how about this? If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.
Meemaw: God, are you still on this?
Dale: Come on, why not?
Meemaw: 'Cause I don't wanna.
Dale: Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to.
Meemaw: Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.
Dale: When was the last time you saw him?
Meemaw: I don't know, it's been a while.
Dale: Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while, "Watergate" a while?
Meemaw: Drop it.
Dale: Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches?
Meemaw: I'm about to take this pool cue and beat your doctor to the punch.
Dale: Oh. That long, huh? Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup.
Meemaw: I feel fine.
Dale: Okay. At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in...
Meemaw: I'm not going to the doctor, so just... mind your own business.

What do you think about letting me borrow your truck today?
Dale: I don't know.
Meemaw: Why not?
Dale: 'Cause I like my truck.
Meemaw: Not funny.
Dale: It is. You're just cranky.
Meemaw: Fine. Maybe I'll just ride my bicycle to the salon.
Dale: You ride a bike?
Meemaw: Is that amusing to you?
Dale: An old lady riding a bike? Oh, no. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Shut up.
Dale: Okay, will do.

Dale: Hey. You ready for dinner?
Meemaw: Do I look ready?
Dale: No. How was your day, dear?
Meemaw: Well, I ran out of quarters. Then I had to break up a fight over a dryer sheet. Then washer number three overflowed again.
Dale: Oh. Well, I had a nice day. I got to pet a horse. Come on, let me take you to dinner.
Meemaw: Dinner's not gonna fix this mess.
Dale: Yeah, I was counting on margaritas to do the heavy lifting.

June: [on answer machine] Hey, Connie, it's June. You know, I don't feel good about what happened the other night, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Could you give me a call back? Thanks. Bye. [machine beeps]
Meemaw: That's nice.
Dale: I don't know why you get an apology. I'm the one she was trying to piss off.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Looks like she's still doing it.
Dale: All the years we were married, I never once got an apology.
Meemaw: Well, you're not exactly the apologizing kind yourself, you know.
Dale: Well, that's not true. For years after we broke up, I was telling people I was sorry I married her.

Dale: You go to church, don't you?
Meemaw: Yeah, when I'm not hungover.
Dale: Well, maybe I'll go with you sometime.
Meemaw: Really? You?
Dale: Yeah, I was thinking a little religion might do me some good.
Meemaw: Well, good for you. [chuckles] I was thinking it was a fajita night.
Dale: Your daughter runs a Bible study, doesn't she?
Meemaw: Uh-huh.

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Meemaw: Where we eating tonight?
Dale: Well, that depends. Why don't you look in the glovebox and check on the Tums situation.
Meemaw: There's five.
Dale: Oh, my, this is tricky. Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
Meemaw: We might get by with two each if it's Italian.
Dale: You get red wine and then tomato sauce. Hey, if they put lemon in the water, we're dead.
Meemaw: Hmm. That leaves barbecue.
Dale: Sold.
Meemaw: Who gets Tum number three?
Dale: Me. They're my Tums.

Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.