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49Quotes from ‘Half a Wiener Schnitzel and Underwear in a Tree’

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: What're you doing here?
Missy: He came to apologize.
Meemaw: Nobody's talking to you.
Missy: Cranky, cranky.
Meemaw: Don't you have some place better to be?
Missy: Actually, I'm about to go run around the block. I am buzzing.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: Actually, maybe Meemaw can take Sheldon's room, and Mandy and I can take Mom and Dad's room with the bigger bed.
George Sr.: Really? You want to sleep on the mattress you were conceived on?
Mandy: Ew.
Missy: Ew.
Mandy: Wait, you've had the same mattress for 18 years?
George Sr.: There's nothing wrong with it. It's a Sealy.

Quote from George Jr.

Mandy: We'll be fine in Sheldon's room.
George Sr.: Okay, I'll take the garage.
George Jr.: Hey, you get to sleep on the mattress CeeCee was conceived on.
Mandy: [whispers] Shut up.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Don't you think this is a decision I should've been a part of?
Officer Robin: How about this? You can decide what we watch first.
Pastor Jeff: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
Officer Robin: Well, then I'll decide. [turns TV on] Walker, Texas Ranger. Tell me that's not a sign from God.
Pastor Jeff: Geez Louise! It's like we're in a movie theater.
Officer Robin: If you're still uncomfortable, I can return it.
Pastor Jeff: I-I guess it's okay.
Officer Robin: I'll make popcorn. [exits]
Pastor Jeff: [quietly] Why are you testing me?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: [on the phone] I need to change our return flights. As soon as possible.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Uh... Tonight would be great. How much? [Sheldon hangs up the phone] Sheldon Lee Cooper!
Sheldon: I told you I'm not going home.
Mary: I am your mother. What I say goes. [Sheldon lays down on the couch] What are you doing?
Sheldon: Passive resistance. Good luck lifting my limp body.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Your grandmother lost her home.
Sheldon: And I feel terrible, but I can't change what happened.
Mary: You could be there for your meemaw.
Sheldon: Does she even want us there?
Mary: Of course she does.
Sheldon: Let's ask her.
[cut to Meemaw on the phone from Dale's bed:]
Meemaw: There's too many people here already. You'd just be in the way.
Mary: No need to thank me. We could be back by tomorrow.
Meemaw: Are you deaf? I said don't come.
Mary: We will get through this together. God will provide.
Meemaw: What's wrong with you?
Mary: Nothing.
Meemaw: Put Sheldon on the phone.
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Let me talk to her.
Mary: Love you, bye. [hangs up]

Quote from Missy

Dale: Hi. Is your meemaw home?
Missy: She took the baby for a walk.
Dale: Oh. [awkward silence] Is she gonna be gone long?
Missy: Do you want to wait? I just made a pot of coffee.
Dale: You like coffee?
Missy: I'm about to find out. Come on in, I don't want to air condition the whole neighborhood.
Dale: Well, sure. Thank you.

Quote from Dale

Dale: How'd your meemaw seem this morning?
Missy: Cranky.
Dale: Well, she's always cranky. Can you be more specific?
Missy: You may need more flowers.

Quote from Missy

Dale: Well, it's been pretty traumatic around here. [Missy sputters as she drinks her coffee] Try some cream and sugar in there.
Missy: Nah. [drinks again] Black's good. [coughs] So, what'd you do that pissed her off?
Dale: Well, I'm not gonna talk to you about none of this.
Missy: 'Kay.
Dale: What makes you think it was my fault?
Missy: The flowers, your hang-dog face...
Dale: This is my regular face.
Missy: 'Kay.
Dale: What goes on between me and your grandma is none of your business.
Missy: 'Kay.
Dale: She totally overreacted.
Missy: Mm-hmm. [drinks coffee; coughs] Maybe a little. [Missy puts a massive heaped spoonful of sugar in her coffee; sighs] There we go.

Quote from Mandy

Mandy: Damn.
George Jr.: I know.
Mandy: What is it about a tornado that makes people want to gamble?
George Jr.: Don't know. Guess they're happy to be alive, scared they're gonna die.
Mandy: If we had an earthquake, I bet we could retire.
George Jr.: Here's to hoping.

Quote from Mandy

George Jr.: Oh, hey, your mom stopped by the video store earlier.
Mandy: What'd she want?
George Jr.: She was just being nice.
Mandy: Oh, Georgie, grow up.
George Jr.: No, I'm serious. She heard about Meemaw's house and offered us a place to live.
Mandy: There it is.
George Jr.: The- The niceness?
Mandy: She's plotting and scheming to control my life.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: All I heard is they got two bathrooms.
Mandy: Doesn't matter, I am never living under their roof.
George Jr.: You realize even if business stays like this, we're at least two years away from getting our own place.
Mandy: Georgie, I am not living with my parents.
George Jr.: Okay, what if...
Mandy: No.
George Jr.: You don't even know what I was going to say.
Mandy: You wanted to live there by yourself.
George Jr.: How do you do that?

Quote from Dale

Missy: You made fun of her for not having the right insurance?
Dale: It was a joke. The only thing I got wrong was the timing. If I said it two or three years later, everybody's laughing their ass off.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What's wrong with the couch?
Meemaw: Like you'd fit on the couch.
George Sr.: Hey.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Hi. I brought you flowers.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dale: I was stupid.
Meemaw: No, I was stupid.
Dale: This feels like a trap.
Meemaw: I was embarrassed about the insurance thing, 'cause I didn't think anything like this was gonna ever happen to me, and... now I've lost everything. Worse, I've lost living with Mandy and my little great-granddaughter, and... I liked that.
Dale: Yeah, I get it. But look on the bright side, you're running a successful criminal enterprise. Before you know it, you're gonna have enough money to rebuild. Assuming you stay out of jail. [Meemaw pulls a face and walks off] Eh, two years from now, that's gonna be so funny.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

George Sr.: Ooh, what do you got there? New TV?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George Sr.: Ooh. Trinitron. That's pricey.
Pastor Jeff: There was a sale.
George Sr.: Where?
Pastor Jeff: I don't know, my wife bought it. Probably with coupons.
George Sr.: You lucky duck.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. [George chuckles] He doth provide.
George Sr.: I guess so. How big is it?
Pastor Jeff: I don't really know.
George Sr.: Well... it says 27 inches on the box.
Pastor Jeff: [forced laughter] 27.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Excuse me. Um... Herr Dr. Pepper?
Thomas: Ah, nein.
Mary: Um, sweet tea? [he looks confused] Oh, oh. Um... [looks at translation book] Uh, susser tea?
Thomas: Ah. Nein. Bier?
Mary: Sure. Danke.
Thomas: Bítte.
Mary: [In German: "There is a dressmaker in the village."] Oh. [chuckles] Grande. [laughs] Mmm. I'm from America.
Thomas: No kidding.
Mary: [drinks] It's good.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Who's hungry for spaghetti? Oh. Didn't realize your boyfriend was staying for dinner.
Meemaw: Is that a problem?
Missy: No, just... would've been nice if someone told me.
Dale: I'm sorry.
Missy: All right, grace.
George Sr.: We're still doing that?
Missy: We survived a tornado. Thank you, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it, which are mine.
Dale: I got it.
Missy: Amen.
All: Amen.

Quote from Missy

Mandy: Missy, I'm really impressed how you stepped up.
Missy: Thanks, it's easier now that I've discovered coffee.
George Jr.: There's vegetables in the spaghetti. Since when do we eat vegetables?
Missy: We got one bathroom. Got to keep things moving.
Dale: That's very important.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

George Sr.: Who's knocking at suppertime? [opens door]
Pastor Jeff: This is your TV now. I can't have this on my conscience. I don't want to go to hell. [hands over remote control] You'll need this.
George Sr.: Sweet. Georgie!

Quote from Sheldon

Student #1: So, you're from Texas?
Sheldon: Ja.
Student #2: Where is your cowboy hat?
Sheldon: Oh, I don't have one.
Student #3: Boots?
Sheldon: No.
Student #1: Horse?
Sheldon: No.
Student #2: Gun?
Sheldon: No.
Student #1: Are you sure you're from Texas?
Sheldon: Well, I do think I'm better than everyone else. That's mighty Texan.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [sings] ♪ Danke schoen ♪ ♪ Darling, danke schoen ♪ ♪ Thank you for all the joy and pain ♪ ♪ Picture show, second balcony ♪ ♪ Was the place we'd meet ♪ [talks] Hey, honey.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Oh, I love this country. Mwah! ♪ Second seat, go Dutch treat ♪ ♪ You were sweet ♪ Sing it with me. ♪ Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen ♪
Adult Sheldon: I don't know what could have gotten into her. Probably jet lag.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: 27 inches. We're living in the future.
Dale: Boy, that color's amazing.
Meemaw: Those Japanese fellas know what they're doing.
Mandy: Why'd Pastor Jeff give this to you?
George Sr.: I have no idea.
Dale: You didn't ask him?
George Sr.: Didn't care.

Quote from Missy

Missy: [to Dale] Are you staying the night? 'Cause we're gonna need to lay a few ground rules.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: [retching]
Sheldon: You know, sympathetic vomiting has an evolutionary basis. In the Paleolithic era, when one member of a tribe would start vomiting, it was a signal to the rest that they'd eaten something poisonous and... Oh, scooch. [retches] Like that. [retches] Another fun fact...

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: [toilet flushing] Bathroom's free.
Missy: You wash your hands?
George Sr.: Yes.
Missy: Dad?
[Missy sighs as George turns around and heads back to the bathroom]

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [enters] Good news. Found some of your underwear in a tree.
Mandy: Those are your grandmother's.
George Jr.: Ew. [drops underwear]

Quote from Missy

Mandy: Did you find any diapers?
Missy: Yes, but only one. Use it wisely.
Mandy: Okay. Thanks.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: [on the phone] Your mother's house is sort of... gone.
Mary: Gone where?
George Sr.: Everywhere.
Mary: What?! Why didn't you call me right away?
George Sr.: Well, the phones were down, honey.
Mary: That is no excuse.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [on the phone with Mary] There's nothing to do. I got it under control.
Missy: Hey, where are the extra sheets?
George Sr.: We have extra sheets?
Mary: They're in the linen closet.
George Sr.: We have a linen closet?
Mary: Yes!

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: [on the phone] I have to come home.
George Sr.: Well, Sheldon's not gonna be real happy about that.
Mary: George, when is he ever happy?
[cut to Sheldon biting into a pretzel he just bought from a stall:]
Sheldon: This is the greatest pretzel I've ever had. Ich bin ein Heidelberger! [crowd cheer]

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: [on the phone] What do you mean I don't have coverage for tornadoes? All right, fine, it's a hurricane. No? Then what the hell am I paying you for? All right, there you have it, it's a flood. Everything's wet, what difference does it make? You know what, I'd like to talk to your supervisor.
["Walking on Sunshine" plays on phone]

Quote from Dale

Dale: Hey, how's it going?
Meemaw: I don't have coverage for tornados.
Dale: So call it a hurricane.
Meemaw: I did.
Dale: Flood?
Meemaw: I tried that.
Dale: Locusts?
Meemaw: You're not helping.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Oh, listen, come on. As long as it takes you to rebuild your place, you always got a home right here with me.
Meemaw: Thank you. Thank you. [hugs Dale] Well, I don't want to be a freeloader. I-I'll pay you rent.
Dale: Great.
Meemaw: My house just blew away, you're supposed to say no!
Dale: Well, you offered.

Quote from Missy

Missy: [knocks on door] Dad, there's other people in this house.
George Sr.: [o.s.] I just got in here.
Missy: I saw you bring in a newspaper. It's not a library. Wrap it up.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Good morning.
Missy: Eggs are on the table. Here's some toast. Bacon's coming up.
George Jr.: Wow, look at you being Mom.
Missy: Say that again, and you can make your own lunch.
George Jr.: Oh, you're touchy like Mom, too.

Quote from Missy

Mandy: Oh, that smells good.
Missy: Help yourself.
Mandy: You know, you're gonna make a really good mom one day.
Missy: Thank you.
George Jr.: How's that different from what I said?
Missy: You said our mom, she said a mom. Totally different.
George Jr.: No, it ain't.

Quote from George Jr.

Mandy: [to CeeCee] What are you smiling about? All your stuffed animals blew away to Oklahoma.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What's this?
Missy: Your lunch.
George Jr.: We just had a tornado. I'm not going to work.
Missy: Then you're gonna help me clean the house.
George Jr.: Dang, it's like Mom never left. [off Missy's look] Sorry, it's like a mom never left.

Quote from Mandy

Missy: Better. [to Mandy] How about you and me run and get groceries, baby supplies, whatever else you need.
Mandy: Okay, great. Other than your grandma's underwear, I have nothing.

Quote from George Sr.

Missy: You're watching CeeCee today.
George Sr.: Well, who put you in charge?
[Missy, Georgie and Mandy all raise their hands]
George Sr.: Okay, just asking.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: It must've blown over from Connie's house.
Officer Robin: You don't know that.
Pastor Jeff: Robin. We have to return it.
Officer Robin: Why?
Pastor Jeff: What do you mean why? It's the Christian thing to do.
Officer Robin: You said yourself she was running an illegal gambling establishment.
Pastor Jeff: That's true.
Officer Robin: You really think it was a coincidence that her house was the only one on the street to get torn up?
Pastor Jeff: Could be.
Officer Robin: Or could be a sign. Look at the bill, who does it say to trust?
Pastor Jeff: I see it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I brought you a wiener schnitzel.
Mary: Thank you.
Sheldon: I tried it. It's yucky.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, sit down.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Just sit. [sighs] I don't know how else to say this other than just to say it. [exhales] We have to go home.
Sheldon: Oh, no, who did Germany invade now?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Um... there was a tornado back home. Everybody's okay, but your meemaw's house was destroyed.
Sheldon: But everyone's okay, that's confirmed?
Mary: Thank God, yes.
Sheldon: You're thanking the deity who sent the tornado?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Honey, your meemaw lost her house.
Sheldon: I'm sure she has insurance.
Mary: That is not the point.
Sheldon: Well, what is the point? What would we do once we get there?
Mary: I don't know. Uh... be there, provide solace, lend a hand.
Sheldon: Me? Lend a hand? You're funny.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Too bad. We are going.
Sheldon: Class is starting tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere.
Mary: Sheldon, do not argue with me. You are going home.
Sheldon: Mom, the people of Germany are obsessed with rules and devoid of humor. I am home.

Quote from Dale

Dale: You know something? I think that tornado had a silver lining.
Meemaw: Oh, and what would that be?
Dale: It just blew you right in to where you're supposed to be.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You mean it destroyed my house so you could have sex in the middle of the day?
Dale: No. Well, yeah. Making love and living together.
Meemaw: Well, I don't want to live together. This is temporary.
Dale: Pretty tough talk for a woman who didn't have tornado insurance. [Meemaw lets go of Dale's hand and sits up] Oh, no, come on! I was joking.
Meemaw: Do you think I'm stupid just because I didn't have tornado insurance?
Dale: We are in Texas.

Quote from Missy

Missy: All right, Georgie and Mandy are in Sheldon's room. I'm in my room. Meemaw, you'll be in Mom and Dad's. Dad, you get the garage.
George Sr.: Why do I get the garage?
Missy: Would you rather put the baby or the old lady out there?
Meemaw: Hey.
Missy: I'm helping you.

 Episode 622 Episode 702