49Quotes from ‘Half a Wiener Schnitzel and Underwear in a Tree’
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701. Half a Wiener Schnitzel and Underwear in a Tree
February 15, 2024Mary wants to come home from Germany with Sheldon after she learns about the tornado. Back home, Missy takes charge as Georgie, Mandy, CeeCee and Meemaw move into the Cooper house.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Shelly, sit down.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Just sit. [sighs] I don't know how else to say this other than just to say it. [exhales] We have to go home.
Sheldon: Oh, no, who did Germany invade now?
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Too bad. We are going.
Sheldon: Class is starting tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere.
Mary: Sheldon, do not argue with me. You are going home.
Sheldon: Mom, the people of Germany are obsessed with rules and devoid of humor. I am home.
Quote from George Sr.
Georgie: Actually, maybe Meemaw can take Sheldon's room, and Mandy and I can take Mom and Dad's room with the bigger bed.
George: Really? You want to sleep on the mattress you were conceived on?
Mandy: Ew.
Missy: Ew.
Mandy: Wait, you've had the same mattress for 18 years?
George: There's nothing wrong with it. It's a Sealy.
Quote from Dale
Missy: You made fun of her for not having the right insurance?
Dale: It was a joke. The only thing I got wrong was the timing. If I said it two or three years later, everybody's laughing their ass off.
Quote from Missy
Dale: Well, it's been pretty traumatic around here. [Missy sputters as she drinks her coffee] Try some cream and sugar in there.
Missy: Nah. [drinks again] Black's good. [coughs] So, what'd you do that pissed her off?
Dale: Well, I'm not gonna talk to you about none of this.
Missy: 'Kay.
Dale: What makes you think it was my fault?
Missy: The flowers, your hang-dog face...
Dale: This is my regular face.
Missy: 'Kay.
Dale: What goes on between me and your grandma is none of your business.
Missy: 'Kay.
Dale: She totally overreacted.
Missy: Mm-hmm. [drinks coffee; coughs] Maybe a little. [Missy puts a massive heaped spoonful of sugar in her coffee; sighs] There we go.
Quote from Missy
Dale: Hi. Is your meemaw home?
Missy: She took the baby for a walk.
Dale: Oh. [awkward silence] Is she gonna be gone long?
Missy: Do you want to wait? I just made a pot of coffee.
Dale: You like coffee?
Missy: I'm about to find out. Come on in, I don't want to air condition the whole neighborhood.
Dale: Well, sure. Thank you.
Quote from Dale
Dale: Hi. I brought you flowers.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dale: I was stupid.
Meemaw: No, I was stupid.
Dale: This feels like a trap.
Meemaw: I was embarrassed about the insurance thing, 'cause I didn't think anything like this was gonna ever happen to me, and... now I've lost everything. Worse, I've lost living with Mandy and my little great-granddaughter, and... I liked that.
Dale: Yeah, I get it. But look on the bright side, you're running a successful criminal enterprise. Before you know it, you're gonna have enough money to rebuild. Assuming you stay out of jail. [Meemaw pulls a face and walks off] Eh, two years from now, that's gonna be so funny.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: All I heard is they got two bathrooms.
Mandy: Doesn't matter, I am never living under their roof.
Georgie: You realize even if business stays like this, we're at least two years away from getting our own place.
Mandy: Georgie, I am not living with my parents.
Georgie: Okay, what if...
Mandy: No.
Georgie: You don't even know what I was going to say.
Mandy: You wanted to live there by yourself.
Georgie: How do you do that?
Quote from Mandy
Georgie: Oh, hey, your mom stopped by the video store earlier.
Mandy: What'd she want?
Georgie: She was just being nice.
Mandy: Oh, Georgie, grow up.
Georgie: No, I'm serious. She heard about Meemaw's house and offered us a place to live.
Mandy: There it is.
Georgie: The- The niceness?
Mandy: She's plotting and scheming to control my life.
Quote from Mandy
Mandy: What is it about a tornado that makes people want to gamble?
Georgie: Don't know. Guess they're happy to be alive, scared they're gonna die.
Mandy: If we had an earthquake, I bet we could retire.
Georgie: Here's to hoping.
Quote from George Sr.
George: What's wrong with the couch?
Meemaw: Like you'd fit on the couch.
George: Hey.
Quote from Dale
Dale: How'd your meemaw seem this morning?
Missy: Cranky.
Dale: Well, she's always cranky. Can you be more specific?
Missy: You may need more flowers.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: [on the phone] I need to change our return flights. As soon as possible.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Uh... Tonight would be great. How much? [Sheldon hangs up the phone] Sheldon Lee Cooper!
Sheldon: I told you I'm not going home.
Mary: I am your mother. What I say goes. [Sheldon lays down on the couch] What are you doing?
Sheldon: Passive resistance. Good luck lifting my limp body.
Quote from George Jr.
Mandy: We'll be fine in Sheldon's room.
George: Okay, I'll take the garage.
Georgie: Hey, you get to sleep on the mattress CeeCee was conceived on.
Mandy: [whispers] Shut up.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
George: Ooh, what do you got there? New TV?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George: Ooh. Trinitron. That's pricey.
Pastor Jeff: There was a sale.
George: Where?
Pastor Jeff: I don't know, my wife bought it. Probably with coupons.
George: You lucky duck.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. [George chuckles] He doth provide.
George: I guess so. How big is it?
Pastor Jeff: I don't really know.
George: Well... it says 27 inches on the box.
Pastor Jeff: [forced laughter] 27.
Quote from Dale
Dale: You know something? I think that tornado had a silver lining.
Meemaw: Oh, and what would that be?
Dale: It just blew you right in to where you're supposed to be.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You mean it destroyed my house so you could have sex in the middle of the day?
Dale: No. Well, yeah. Making love and living together.
Meemaw: Well, I don't want to live together. This is temporary.
Dale: Pretty tough talk for a woman who didn't have tornado insurance. [Meemaw lets go of Dale's hand and sits up] Oh, no, come on! I was joking.
Meemaw: Do you think I'm stupid just because I didn't have tornado insurance?
Dale: We are in Texas.
Quote from George Sr.
Georgie: 27 inches. We're living in the future.
Dale: Boy, that color's amazing.
Meemaw: Those Japanese fellas know what they're doing.
Mandy: Why'd Pastor Jeff give this to you?
George: I have no idea.
Dale: You didn't ask him?
George: Didn't care.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Honey, your meemaw lost her house.
Sheldon: I'm sure she has insurance.
Mary: That is not the point.
Sheldon: Well, what is the point? What would we do once we get there?
Mary: I don't know. Uh... be there, provide solace, lend a hand.
Sheldon: Me? Lend a hand? You're funny.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: [retching]
Sheldon: You know, sympathetic vomiting has an evolutionary basis. In the Paleolithic era, when one member of a tribe would start vomiting, it was a signal to the rest that they'd eaten something poisonous and... Oh, scooch. [retches] Like that. [retches] Another fun fact...
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: I brought you a wiener schnitzel.
Mary: Thank you.
Sheldon: I tried it. It's yucky.
Quote from Mary
George: [on the phone] Your mother's house is sort of... gone.
Mary: Gone where?
George: Everywhere.
Mary: What?! Why didn't you call me right away?
George: Well, the phones were down, honey.
Mary: That is no excuse.
Quote from George Sr.
George: [on the phone with Mary] There's nothing to do. I got it under control.
Missy: Hey, where are the extra sheets?
George: We have extra sheets?
Mary: They're in the linen closet.
George: We have a linen closet?
Mary: Yes!
Quote from Dale
Dale: Hey, how's it going?
Meemaw: I don't have coverage for tornados.
Dale: So call it a hurricane.
Meemaw: I did.
Dale: Flood?
Meemaw: I tried that.
Dale: Locusts?
Meemaw: You're not helping.
Quote from Dale
Dale: Oh, listen, come on. As long as it takes you to rebuild your place, you always got a home right here with me.
Meemaw: Thank you. Thank you. [hugs Dale] Well, I don't want to be a freeloader. I-I'll pay you rent.
Dale: Great.
Meemaw: My house just blew away, you're supposed to say no!
Dale: Well, you offered.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: Good morning.
Missy: Eggs are on the table. Here's some toast. Bacon's coming up.
Georgie: Wow, look at you being Mom.
Missy: Say that again, and you can make your own lunch.
Georgie: Oh, you're touchy like Mom, too.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Um... there was a tornado back home. Everybody's okay, but your meemaw's house was destroyed.
Sheldon: But everyone's okay, that's confirmed?
Mary: Thank God, yes.
Sheldon: You're thanking the deity who sent the tornado?
Quote from Missy
George: [toilet flushing] Bathroom's free.
Missy: You wash your hands?
George: Yes.
Missy: Dad?
[Missy sighs as George turns around and heads back to the bathroom]
Quote from Missy
Mandy: Did you find any diapers?
Missy: Yes, but only one. Use it wisely.
Mandy: Okay. Thanks.
Quote from Missy
Missy: All right, Georgie and Mandy are in Sheldon's room. I'm in my room. Meemaw, you'll be in Mom and Dad's. Dad, you get the garage.
George: Why do I get the garage?
Missy: Would you rather put the baby or the old lady out there?
Meemaw: Hey.
Missy: I'm helping you.
Quote from Missy
Missy: Who's hungry for spaghetti? Oh. Didn't realize your boyfriend was staying for dinner.
Meemaw: Is that a problem?
Missy: No, just... would've been nice if someone told me.
Dale: I'm sorry.
Missy: All right, grace.
George: We're still doing that?
Missy: We survived a tornado. Thank you, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it, which are mine.
Dale: I got it.
Missy: Amen.
All: Amen.
Quote from Missy
Meemaw: What're you doing here?
Missy: He came to apologize.
Meemaw: Nobody's talking to you.
Missy: Cranky, cranky.
Meemaw: Don't you have some place better to be?
Missy: Actually, I'm about to go run around the block. I am buzzing.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: [enters] Good news. Found some of your underwear in a tree.
Mandy: Those are your grandmother's.
Georgie: Ew. [drops underwear]
Quote from Missy
Missy: [to Dale] Are you staying the night? 'Cause we're gonna need to lay a few ground rules.
Quote from Mary
Mary: [sings] ♪ Danke schoen ♪ ♪ Darling, danke schoen ♪ ♪ Thank you for all the joy and pain ♪ ♪ Picture show, second balcony ♪ ♪ Was the place we'd meet ♪ [talks] Hey, honey.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Oh, I love this country. Mwah! ♪ Second seat, go Dutch treat ♪ ♪ You were sweet ♪ Sing it with me. ♪ Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen ♪
Adult Sheldon: I don't know what could have gotten into her. Probably jet lag.
Quote from Sheldon
Student #1: So, you're from Texas?
Sheldon: Ja.
Student #2: Where is your cowboy hat?
Sheldon: Oh, I don't have one.
Student #3: Boots?
Sheldon: No.
Student #1: Horse?
Sheldon: No.
Student #2: Gun?
Sheldon: No.
Student #1: Are you sure you're from Texas?
Sheldon: Well, I do think I'm better than everyone else. That's mighty Texan.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
George: Who's knocking at suppertime? [opens door]
Pastor Jeff: This is your TV now. I can't have this on my conscience. I don't want to go to hell. [hands over remote control] You'll need this.
George: Sweet. Georgie!
Quote from Missy
Mandy: Missy, I'm really impressed how you stepped up.
Missy: Thanks, it's easier now that I've discovered coffee.
Georgie: There's vegetables in the spaghetti. Since when do we eat vegetables?
Missy: We got one bathroom. Got to keep things moving.
Dale: That's very important.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Excuse me. Um... Herr Dr. Pepper?
Thomas: Ah, nein.
Mary: Um, sweet tea? [he looks confused] Oh, oh. Um... [looks at translation book] Uh, susser tea?
Thomas: Ah. Nein. Bier?
Mary: Sure. Danke.
Thomas: Bítte.
Mary: [In German: "There is a dressmaker in the village."] Oh. [chuckles] Grande. [laughs] Mmm. I'm from America.
Thomas: No kidding.
Mary: [drinks] It's good.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: It must've blown over from Connie's house.
Officer Robin: You don't know that.
Pastor Jeff: Robin. We have to return it.
Officer Robin: Why?
Pastor Jeff: What do you mean why? It's the Christian thing to do.
Officer Robin: You said yourself she was running an illegal gambling establishment.
Pastor Jeff: That's true.
Officer Robin: You really think it was a coincidence that her house was the only one on the street to get torn up?
Pastor Jeff: Could be.
Officer Robin: Or could be a sign. Look at the bill, who does it say to trust?
Pastor Jeff: I see it.
Quote from Mandy
Missy: Better. [to Mandy] How about you and me run and get groceries, baby supplies, whatever else you need.
Mandy: Okay, great. Other than your grandma's underwear, I have nothing.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: [on the phone] I have to come home.
George: Well, Sheldon's not gonna be real happy about that.
Mary: George, when is he ever happy?
[cut to Sheldon biting into a pretzel he just bought from a stall:]
Sheldon: This is the greatest pretzel I've ever had. Ich bin ein Heidelberger! [crowd cheer]
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: [on the phone] What do you mean I don't have coverage for tornadoes? All right, fine, it's a hurricane. No? Then what the hell am I paying you for? All right, there you have it, it's a flood. Everything's wet, what difference does it make? You know what, I'd like to talk to your supervisor.
["Walking on Sunshine" plays on phone]
Quote from George Sr.
Missy: You're watching CeeCee today.
George: Well, who put you in charge?
[Missy, Georgie and Mandy all raise their hands]
George: Okay, just asking.
Quote from Missy
Missy: [knocks on door] Dad, there's other people in this house.
George: [o.s.] I just got in here.
Missy: I saw you bring in a newspaper. It's not a library. Wrap it up.
Quote from Mandy
Mandy: [to CeeCee] What are you smiling about? All your stuffed animals blew away to Oklahoma.
Quote from Missy
Mandy: Oh, that smells good.
Missy: Help yourself.
Mandy: You know, you're gonna make a really good mom one day.
Missy: Thank you.
Georgie: How's that different from what I said?
Missy: You said our mom, she said a mom. Totally different.
Georgie: No, it ain't.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Your grandmother lost her home.
Sheldon: And I feel terrible, but I can't change what happened.
Mary: You could be there for your meemaw.
Sheldon: Does she even want us there?
Mary: Of course she does.
Sheldon: Let's ask her.
[cut to Meemaw on the phone from Dale's bed:]
Meemaw: There's too many people here already. You'd just be in the way.
Mary: No need to thank me. We could be back by tomorrow.
Meemaw: Are you deaf? I said don't come.
Mary: We will get through this together. God will provide.
Meemaw: What's wrong with you?
Mary: Nothing.
Meemaw: Put Sheldon on the phone.
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Let me talk to her.
Mary: Love you, bye. [hangs up]
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: Don't you think this is a decision I should've been a part of?
Officer Robin: How about this? You can decide what we watch first.
Pastor Jeff: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
Officer Robin: Well, then I'll decide. [turns TV on] Walker, Texas Ranger. Tell me that's not a sign from God.
Pastor Jeff: Geez Louise! It's like we're in a movie theater.
Officer Robin: If you're still uncomfortable, I can return it.
Pastor Jeff: I-I guess it's okay.
Officer Robin: I'll make popcorn. [exits]
Pastor Jeff: [quietly] Why are you testing me?
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: What's this?
Missy: Your lunch.
Georgie: We just had a tornado. I'm not going to work.
Missy: Then you're gonna help me clean the house.
Georgie: Dang, it's like Mom never left. [off Missy's look] Sorry, it's like a mom never left.