Meemaw: Could you change her and let me finish up here?
Dale: How do you mean?
Meemaw: I mean, like, go get a new diaper and put it on her.
Dale: Oh. No, thanks.
Meemaw: Don't you be a baby. Go and change her.
Dale: The first diaper I change is gonna be my own.
Meemaw: You've never changed a diaper?
Dale: Not a one.
Meemaw: You have kids. And grandkids. How did you get away with never changing a diaper?
Dale: Mm. It wasn't easy. When there's something important to you, you find a way.

Meemaw: I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.
Waiter: And for you?
Dale: Uh, just the house salad, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Meemaw: House salad? You watching your figure?
Dale: I have a physical tomorrow.
Meemaw: Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?
Dale: Can't hurt.
Meemaw: It ain't gonna undo years of red meat and beer.
Dale: I'm not trying to undo it, I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Meemaw: Where we eating tonight?
Dale: Well, that depends. Why don't you look in the glovebox and check on the Tums situation.
Meemaw: There's five.
Dale: Oh, my, this is tricky. Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
Meemaw: We might get by with two each if it's Italian.
Dale: You get red wine and then tomato sauce. Hey, if they put lemon in the water, we're dead.
Meemaw: Hmm. That leaves barbecue.
Dale: Sold.
Meemaw: Who gets Tum number three?
Dale: Me. They're my Tums.

Georgie: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
Georgie: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
Georgie: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
Georgie: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

George: You know, you seem pretty stressed out... Maybe it'd be easier if I go to Germany.
Mary: You got to be kidding.
George: Well, it might make more sense. I got the summer off. And, come on, beer and sausage? I've been training for that my whole life.

Dr. Linkletter: This will allow us to calculate the speed of sound in the liquid using the standard elements of the Einstein field equations. The answer is only correct, of course, if the density changes slowly. And to begin, we use the standard equations of thermal physics to simplify the answer... [sniffing] Wh-Wha-What am I smelling?
Sheldon: Oh, that might be my sauerkraut and knockwurst.
Ben: [raises hand] It is.
Dr. Linkletter: Why are you eating sauerkraut in my classroom?
Sheldon: I'm acclimating my body to a Germanic meat-based diet.
Dr. Linkletter: At 11:00 a.m.?
Sheldon: It's dinnertime in Heidelberg.
Dr. Linkletter: We're not in Heidelberg.
Sheldon: But I will be over the summer, so I'm trying to adjust my internal clock to the local time so I can hit the ground running mitout jet lag.
Dr. Linkletter: I got to get back to my lecture, if that doesn't interfere with your meal.
Sheldon: Oh, dinner and a show, I love it. Although... would you be a lamb and open this jar of mustard for me?
Dr. Linkletter: Here are two words you don't often hear... poor Germany.

George: "Chicken boo-eh-lon"? What does that even mean?
Mary: Bouillon. It's the tiny cubes that turn into soup.
George: So, the soup aisle?
Mary: There you go.