George: Studying for a test?
Sheldon: Studying to take the bar exam. Meemaw's going to need a smart lawyer. By the time we find one, I could just learn how to do it.
George: Seriously?
Sheldon: Common law was invented by a bunch of English farmers in the Middle Ages. I think I can hack it.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Meemaw. [knocks three times] Meemaw. [knocks three times] Meemaw.
Meemaw: [opens door] What?
Sheldon: Oh, my, you look terrible. [covers his nose and mouth with his inner elbow] Are you sick?
Meemaw: Of life, yes.
Sheldon: Oh, good. [lowers elbow] That's not contagious.
Meemaw: Get in here. The light's killing me.
Sheldon: You smell like alcohol. Yucky.

Mandy: Do they know about Georgie?
Meemaw: No, of course not.
Dale: Your grandma's not a snitch. Which, by the way, will serve you well if you end up in the slammer.
Meemaw: The pokey, the slammer. What is it with you?
Dale: I like cop shows. You learn things.

George: All right, what do you got?
Sheldon: Well, have you ever heard of Vincent "The Chin" Gigante?
George: He a boxer?
Sheldon: He was originally. Good for you. But he's better known as a major crime boss who managed to stay out of prison by employing the legal doctrine of "mens rea".
George: Which is?
Sheldon: He pretended to be nuts. He wandered the streets of New York in a bathrobe, he had poor personal hygiene, he mumbled to himself... all the cuckoo classics.
George: Yeah. If you need someone to testify that she's off her rocker, you give me a call.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Meemaw: What do you got?
Sheldon: It's simple. We argue under Article 46-B of the Texas Penal Code that you're unfit to stand trial due to mental incompetence.
Meemaw: You-you want to tell 'em I'm crazy?
Sheldon: Yes. And keep this look. It really bolsters our case.

Rich: You got a 50-yard radius from the base. It'll beep when you get close to the edge. If you cross it, we get a call. If you tamper with it, we get a call.
Dale: Will it give her a little zap?
Rich: No.
Dale: Well, how's she gonna learn?
Meemaw: Will it beep if I kill him?
Rich: As long as it's within 50 yards, go for it.

Meemaw: Look who came to visit.
Dale: Oh, great.
Sheldon: You will think it's great when you hear the brilliant legal strategy I have to keep Meemaw out of prison.
Dale: I thought you were a science guy.
Sheldon: I am, but sometimes I like to spread my wings. [makes winged gesture with hands]
Dale: Oh, okay. [mimics Sheldon's gesture] Uh, proceed.

Rich: How's that feel?
Meemaw: Unnecessary.
Officer Gilroy: You ran from the police. You're a flight risk.
Dale: She can't run. She got a funky hip. She can barely waddle.
Meemaw: Watch it.

Dale: Ooh. I found a corner.
Meemaw: Congratulations.
Dale: Oh, come on. We can have a little fun.
Meemaw: I have lost my business, I have lost my home, I have lost my freedom, and you want to have fun?
Dale: A little fun.
Meemaw: Do you not understand? I could be going to jail.
Dale: Oh, come on, please. They're not gonna send a sweet old grandma to the pokey.
Meemaw: Well, I hope not.
Dale: Ah. Well, tell me something if you would. Is that sky or water?
Meemaw: Let me see it. [examines the piece and throws it across the room]
Dale: It's a good thing that didn't go 50 yards. You can still get it.

Adult Sheldon: I had a plan to avoid using the porta-potty. I just had to get through the night until I could get back to my dorm in the morning. I lowered my overall liquid intake, skipped my pre-bed chamomile tea, and gave my bladder a stern talking to. My bladder did not listen.
Sheldon: [exhales] I can do this.
Adult Sheldon: My body may have been weak, but my mind was strong. I just needed to think about this situation in a different way. Instead of a porta-potty, it was a TARDIS. Instead of Sheldon, I was Doctor Who, whose urine was ready to travel through space and time. For those who aren't familiar, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. This one, however, was smellier on the inside.
Sheldon: I can't do this.
Adult Sheldon: I'm not proud of this, but that night, I relieved myself inside Billy Sparks' chicken coop. Until my wife, those hens were the only females I ever exposed myself to. [chickens clucking] I guess I could have left that part out. Oh, well.

Dale: You know, I have a buddy whose nephew is a lawyer. He's gonna help us out.
Sheldon: Is this because I haven't passed the bar yet? Because that's just a formality. A monkey could do it.
Meemaw: No, I... I think that I'd just feel a little more comfortable if I was getting advice from somebody who had a little more professional experience.
Sheldon: Okay. I mean, I've been doing this for a day and a half, but suit yourself.

Meemaw: I can't leave the house? What the hell am I supposed to do all day?
Dale: I am way ahead of you. See? I stopped and I picked up puzzles. Got us the Grand Canyon and Dogs Playing Poker.
Meemaw: If I were to run right now, would you shoot me?

Georgie: What about the Laundromat, the video store?
Meemaw: They shut everything down.
Georgie: God. So what are we gonna do for money?
Mandy: Yeah.
Meemaw: That's an excellent question.
Dale: How was Dollywood?
Mandy: Magical. What are we gonna do about money?

Georgie: I can't thank y'all enough.
Jim: Oh, don't be silly. Stay as long as you need.
Mandy: It's only temporary.
Audrey: Whatever. We're just thrilled to have you and the baby here.
Georgie: And me, too, right?
Audrey: Yes, you'll be here, too.

Audrey: Now, Georgie, if the police come for you, what should we tell them?
Mandy: Mom.
Audrey: I'm sorry. I've never harbored a fugitive before.
Mandy: Mom!