Sheldon: So, if I'm to understand correctly, our meemaw's been running a criminal enterprise.
Missy: Cool, huh?
Sheldon: No, it is most certainly not cool. On the one hand, people need to pay for their crimes. On the other, if Meemaw's in prison, who's gonna smell like Bengay and kiss me on the head?
Missy: She's an old lady, they're not gonna lock her up forever.
Sheldon: I sure hope not.

Audrey: I can't believe this. What kind of a family has my daughter married into?
Mary: To be clear, I did not condone any of this.
Audrey: Doesn't matter. This is a criminal environment, and I'm taking the baby. [Sheldon opens a door]
Mary: [gasps] Over my dead body. [Sheldon retreats] CeeCee is my granddaughter, too, and she is perfectly safe here.
Audrey: Well, as long as she's here, I'm here.
Mary: Fine. Are you hungry? I have half a bucket of spaghetti in the fridge.
Audrey: I could eat.
Mary: All right, I'll go heat it up. [takes the stroller]
Audrey: [scoffs] What? You think I'm gonna take the baby and run?
Mary: Yes. Would you like some garlic bread?
Audrey: That sounds nice.

Missy: What's she in jail for?
Sheldon: I'm not sure. Some kind of room got shut down.
Missy: Oh, the gambling room.
Sheldon: What?
Missy: Yeah, in the back of the laundromat.
Sheldon: Isn't that illegal?
Missy: Yeah, that's why she's in jail.

George: [on the phone] She tried to run? [chuckles] Oh, that... Oh, that makes me so happy.

Dale: [plays guitar and sings] ♪ Met her on the mountain ♪ ♪ There I took her life ♪ ♪ Met her on the mountain ♪ [Cee fusses] ♪ Stabbed her with my knife. ♪ [crying] Yeah, it's kind of a sad one. Yeah. You'll like this one. ♪ Delia, oh, Delia ♪ ♪ Delia all my life ♪ ♪ If I hadn't shot poor Delia. ♪ Here you go. This is for you. ♪ Hey, yeah, baby ♪ ♪ Shake it on down. ♪ [CeeCee coos] That's the one. That's the one.

Mary: George told me about the arrest.
Dale: Oh. Yeah. Boy, I know how to pick 'em, huh?
Mary: Is she okay?
Dale: Oh, yeah, she's a tough old bird.
Mary: Well, let me take the baby off your hands till the kids come back.
Dale: Well, but we're having such a good time.
Mary: Dale.
Dale: She likes me.
Mary: Dale.
Dale: [sighs] Oh. Fine. You get the baby, I'll grab her Binky. [Mary goes inside] You know, she really does like me.

Georgie: You think CeeCee's gonna be an only child?
Mandy: I don't know. For a while she is. Why?
Georgie: Well, since we're man and wife now, we got to make plans.
Mandy: I'm almost back in my old jeans. This can wait.
Georgie: Well, I'm just saying, I liked having a brother and sister. Don't you like having a brother?
Mandy: Eh.
Georgie: So, y'all didn't get along?
Mandy: I picked on him. I made him cry a lot.
Georgie: That's what I did with Sheldon. Don't you want CeeCee to have that?

Mandy: Just so you know, my plans include more than making babies so they can pick on each other. I want a career.
Georgie: I support that.
Mandy: And maybe go back to school.
Georgie: Curveball, but okay. I don't have to go back to school, do I?
Mandy: Oh, no, sweetheart.
Georgie: Thank you.

Dale: Hey there. Alice, isn't it?
Audrey: Audrey.
Dale: Right. What can I do for you, Audrey?
Audrey: I came to visit my granddaughter.
Dale: Not here.
Audrey: Where is she?
Dale: Well, as they say in Canada, she's "oot and aboot."

Missy: Are there any other family secrets that I don't know about?
Missy: Um... actually, yes.
Sheldon: Tell me.
Missy: No, you couldn't handle it.
Sheldon: Now I have to know.
Missy: Okay. You ever wonder why Mom made that prayer garden in the back yard?
Sheldon: To pray.
Missy: You're so naive. [whispers] There's a dead body under there.
Sheldon: Whose?
Missy: I've already said too much.

Mary: Oh. Hi.
Audrey: Why do you have the baby?
Mary: Um... It's kind of a long story.
Audrey: Why do you have the baby?
Mary: My mother was arrested, she's in jail.
Audrey: I can't get a straight answer from anybody in this family.

Audrey: A gambling room?
Mary: Yes.
Audrey: And she'd been bribing the authorities?
Mary: I wouldn't use that word, but there were... donations made to the authorities.
Audrey: And Georgie worked there?
Mary: Well, he also runs the laundromat. Very legitimate.
Audrey: For money laundering.
Mary: And regular laundering.

George: [answers phone] Hey, Dale, what's up? You're kidding. Till Monday?
Missy: What's going on?
George: Shh! Well, is there anything I can do? Yeah, I know a couple lawyers.
Missy: Who needs a lawyer?
Sheldon: [still holding the phone] Meemaw's in jail.
George: Hang up.

Georgie: You know, we should really start looking for our own place.
Mandy: You think?
Georgie: I mean, the gambling room's doing great, and since we put in the roulette wheel, we're basically printing money.
Mandy: [sighs] Sure would like to have my own bathroom.
Georgie: [sighs] Your own bathroom, one of them walk-in shoe closets like on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. And carpet everywhere, even in the kitchen.
Mandy: That's a terrible idea.
Georgie: 'Cause of spilling and crumbs, sure.

Georgie: Point is, I want to spoil you, so whatever you want.
Mandy: Well, right now, I just want you.
Georgie: Really? Now?
Mandy: Yeah.
Georgie: Hot damn. Just so you know, I promised my dad I'd use condoms.
Mandy: [chuckles] Good.

Meemaw: My chariot awaits.
Dale: Oh. Did you have diner?
Meemaw: They ordered in some pizza from Del Bonos.
Dale: That sounds good. I had cold spaghetti.

Meemaw: Well, I'll see you Monday.
Dale: Well, they have visiting hours. I can come tomorrow morning.
Meemaw: Not till 1:00.
Dale: Oh, I see. My game's on. So, how about 4:30 or 5:00?
Meemaw: I'll see you Monday.
Dale: All right. See ya. [Meemaw leaves] Well, why does she get pizza? I want pizza.

George: Well, right now it's kind of a standoff. They're eating spaghetti, and Mary's holding the baby hostage.
Jim: All right. What's our play?
George: Well, I figured we'll be dealing with each other for the rest of our lives, so we got to keep things civil.
Jim: I'm with you.
George: [stammers] Let me start by saying, you are a pleasure.
Jim: [chuckles] Oh, back at you.
George: And your daughter is a keeper.
Jim: And your son is a fine young man.
George: Thank you. So, you ready to do this?
Jim: I'm right behind you. [both go inside]
George: Hey, Mare, look who stopped by.

Jim: Mmm, it's good coffee. Is that Folgers?
Mary: Maxwell House.
Jim: Ah, sure. Good to the last drop. Uh, Audrey, am I crazy, or didn't we used to drink Maxwell House?
Audrey: Yes.
Jim: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Why'd we change? [Audrey looks at Jim] It's a mystery. [chuckles]

George: Speaking of mysteries, Mary, did you ever find that earring you were looking for? [clears throat] Family heirloom just gone.
Audrey: Maybe her mother stole it.
Mary: [exhales sharply] I am not holding the baby anymore, so you better watch it.

Jim: Audrey's uncle was a bank robber.
Audrey: Jim!
Jim: He's in Leavenworth.
Audrey: He's my uncle by marriage.

Jim: Look, a-all I'm saying is every family's got secrets, right?
[Sheldon walks into the kitchen]
George: We sure got some skeletons in the closet.
Mary: We do not. [Sheldon quickly leaves] Other than my mother. [breathes deeply]
George: And?
Mary: [sighs] My cousin Janine is a practicing witch, but that's it.
George: Worships Satan. [Mary sighs heavily]

Jim: I got you beat. My brother William... [whispers] He's a Democrat. He voted for Mondale.
George: Aw, I'm so sorry.
Jim: Mm. Actually, feels good to talk about it. [Audrey pats Jim's hand]

Sheldon: Are you sure there's a body down here?
Missy: Oh, yeah, keep digging.
Adult Sheldon: I'd like to tell you I found something that night, but for once you all might be ahead of me.

Mary: Oh, and I can watch the baby.
Audrey: Or me, the one who just paid for your honeymoon.
Mandy: You two are on probation. I don't want to come home and find out there was an exorcism. Connie, will you do it?
Meemaw: I would love to.
Dale: Wait a minute, it's my house. Don't I have a say?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: I don't have a say.

Mary: I know you're mad at me, and I am sorry, but can we please be a part of this wedding?
Missy: Yes, please. I only have one brother.
Mary: What about Sheldon?
Missy: Yeah.

Audrey: [enters] Wait! Wait.
Meemaw: Wasn't me.
George: It was me. I called your dad.
Jim: [panting] Oh, that's a long hallway.
George: And those steps in front?
Jim: Brutal.

Lyndon: All right. Let's get started.
Meemaw: Could you show a little respect and stand up?
Lyndon: One of those. George Marshall Cooper Jr., do you take Amanda Elizabeth McAllister to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Georgie: I do.
Lyndon: Amanda Elizabeth McAllister, do you take George Marshall Cooper Jr. to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Mandy: I do.
Lyndon: By the power vested in me by the great state of Texas, I now pronounce you husband and wife. [Mandy laughs] You may kiss the bride. [applause]
Meemaw: You can sit down now.

Georgie: I can't believe they gave us the train car.
Mandy: Well, my dad slipped the conductor five bucks.
Georgie: Classy.
Jim: So, what are you thinking? Couple buckets of spaghetti for the table?
George: Sure. Y-Yeah... and we're gonna split the tab. [Audrey elbows Jim]
Jim: It's all right, I got it.
George: Uh, Jim, come on.
Audrey: We didn't pay for a wedding, we can spring for some spaghetti.
Jim: I-In a bucket.
Audrey: We know.

Dale: I-I'm happy to chip in.
George: No, no. No, this is between me and him. And we're splitting it.
Missy: Dad, we're poor. Let him pay.
Mary: We are not poor.
Audrey: Wouldn't matter either way.
Mary: But we're not.

Meemaw: [clears throat] I would like to propose a toast... to Mandy and Georgie. Your relationship started out with lies and deceit, which usually happens later on in marriage.
Dale: Where is this going?
Meemaw: But you two got it out of the way right up front. So I think the odds are in your favor... for having a lifetime of love and happiness. To Mandy and Georgie... [blows a kiss] and CeeCee. [glasses clink]
Dale: Way to bring it home, baby.
Meemaw: I can do heartfelt.

Sheldon: Hello.
Mary: Oh, good, you're here. Oh, thank you for bringing him, Dr. Linkletter.
Georgie: Well, you hungry? Have a seat.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I do have a half can of tuna waiting for me at home, but what the hay?

Sheldon: So, you and my brother got married and no one invited me?
Mandy: Sorry, it was kind of a last-minute thing.
Sheldon: No, I was thanking you. I hope that, someday, my sister won't invite me to her wedding.
Missy: I won't.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Jim: Here we are. Grab a shovel and dig in. There you go.
Dr. Linkletter: I spent the summer in Italy once.
Georgie: Bringing back memories?
Dr. Linkletter: No.

Audrey: [glass clinking] Amanda, Georgie, since your father and I didn't get to give you a proper wedding, we'd like to pay for a honeymoon.
Mandy: [gasps] Wow, really?
Mary: [quietly] Should we offer to split.. [George shakes his head]
Georgie: Mr. McAllister, really appreciate it, but that's not necessary.
Jim: First of all, no more of this "Mr. McAllister" stuff, okay? It's Jim.
Georgie: Thank you, Jim. Uh, very kind, Jim. This feels weird, Jim.

Mandy: So, where are we going?
Audrey: What would you say to an all-expenses-paid weekend at Dollywood?
Missy: Shut up.
Mandy: Oh, my God. Thank you.
Georgie: That's amazing.
Missy: Oh, I'm definitely getting married.
Sheldon: And I won't be going.

Georgie: Hey, little girl. In a few minutes, you're gonna be legitimate.
Mandy: You saying she's illegitimate?
Georgie: Not me, just, you know, everybody.
Meemaw: If you want to smack him, I'll hold the baby.
Mandy: Nah, it's okay. Well, just in case.
Mary: [enters] Wait! Wait!
Mandy: What are they doing here?
Meemaw: I told them, and you can't smack me 'cause I'm holding the baby.

Meemaw: I got to go open up the gambling room. Can you watch her for about an hour?
Dale: I just had coffee and a bowl of Raisin Bran. Next hour is spoken for.
Meemaw: You could've just said no.
Dale: I'm trying to keep the romance alive.

Mandy: Hey, why don't we look around for wedding rings in Tennessee?
Georgie: Hmm. Maybe they sell them at Dollywood.
Mandy: If it's all the same, I'd rather not get my wedding ring at the same place they sell corn dogs.
Georgie: Oh, corn dogs. We're definitely getting corn dogs. [Mandy laughs]

Georgie: You know, through all the rush, we didn't really talk about it, but are you gonna take my name?
Mandy: Is it important to you?
Georgie: I don't know, I'd kind of like people to know we're a family. You know, the Coopers, Georgie and Mandy Cooper. [laughs softly] I'd go to a barbecue at their house. [both chuckle]
Mandy: Well, why don't you take my name?
Georgie: I'm trying to have a serious conversation, and you're making jokes.
Mandy: Why is it a joke?
Georgie: Maybe that'd fly in New York City, but in Texas, I'd get my ass kicked.
Mandy: Maybe we should move to New York City.
Georgie: Okay, there's just some things you don't joke about.

Meemaw: And the thing you need to know about slot machines is that they provide the house with a 17% edge. And that... is a whole lot of edge for Meemaw and your daddy.
[Meemaw looks at the CCTV camera and sees two cop cars out back]
Meemaw: Huh? Ooh, that ain't good.
[Meemaw rushes with CeeCee in her stroller through the laundromat towards the front door]
Woman: Excuse me.
Meemaw: I don't work here!
[Meemaw calmly pushes CeeCee's stroller up the sidewalk. When a police siren wails, Meemaw picks up the pace.]
Police Officer: [over P.A.] Connie Tucker? Please stop running. [siren wails]

Dale: Hey.
Meemaw: Took you long enough.
Dale: Yeah, I'm old. I had to go to the bathroom.

Dale: Why are you handcuffed? Why is she handcuffed?
Officer Gilroy: She's a flight risk.
Dale: What is she talking about?
Meemaw: I was just taking the baby for a walk, and Cagney and Lacey here decided that I was evading arrest.

Dale: Oh, Connie. H-How much is bail?
Officer Gilroy: Won't know till Monday.
Meemaw: What?
Officer Gilroy: Judge left town for the weekend.
Meemaw: Well, get him back.
Officer Gilroy: Can't. Gone fishing.
Dale: Beautiful day for it. Where'd he go?
Meemaw: Dale.
Dale: Right.

Meemaw: Oh, my God. Dale, take the baby home.
Dale: Me? Why don't you call Mary?
Meemaw: The last thing I want is for her to know about this.
Officer Gilroy: I'll watch the baby if you like.
Dale: There you go, problem solved.
Meemaw: No. Take the baby.
Dale: [groans] Yeah. Well, is there anything I can bring you?
Meemaw: Yeah, a cake with a file in it.
Officer Gilroy: [laughs] Good one.

Dale: Can I give the flight risk a kiss goodbye?
Officer Gilroy: That's up to her.
Meemaw: I'm good.
Dale: She's good.

Officer Gilroy: All right, let's get you to your cell. So, that beautiful little girl is your granddaughter?
Meemaw: Great-granddaughter.
Officer Gilroy: I never locked up a great-grandma before.
Meemaw: Well, isn't this your lucky day?

George: [phone ringing] Sheldon, phone.
Sheldon: [to himself] 187 IQ and I'm a receptionist. [answers phone] Cooper residence. Hello, Mr.
Ballard. He's here. May I tell him what this is concerning? I may not? Very well. Dad, it's Mr. Ballard.
George: I'll pick it up in here.
Sheldon: [quietly] Which you could've done to begin with.