45Quotes from ‘Four Hundred Cartons of Undeclared Cigarettes and a Niblingo’
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601. Four Hundred Cartons of Undeclared Cigarettes and a Niblingo
Aired September 29, 2022George and Dale travel to the Mexican border to bail Meemaw and Georgie out of jail. Meanwhile, Mary feels unwelcome at the church, and Sheldon and Missy finally meet Mandy.
Quote from Mary
Mary: All right, what do you know?
George Sr.: Well, they're probably gonna have to pay some fine, and-and they're gonna need cash.
Mary: My son is gonna be in jail overnight?
George Sr.: What about your mother?
Mary: Oh, she's been there before.
Quote from Sheldon
Pastor Jeff: Please give us the strength to reflect your abundant love out into the world.
[After Mary, Missy and Sheldon walk out of the church, Sheldon walks back in]
Pastor Jeff: Thank you for bringing us here today to join together in worship.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Am I the only one struck by the incredible hypocrisy of this sermon? You go on and on about loving one another and how God is love. But not when it comes to my mother and our family? And why? Because my brother impregnated a woman years 11 older than him? Which one could argue was an act of love.
Mary: [enters] Sheldon.
Sheldon: At least on his part. She doesn't seem to care for him. Also, earlier, you said "Nebuh-kuh-nezzar."
Mary: Sheldon.
Sheldon: In Hebrew, it would be pronounced "Neboo-kha-nezzar." More in the back of the throat. Kha. Kha.
Mary: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Bye. Or in Hebrew, shalom. Which also means "hello." And "peace." Kha! Kha!
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: This isn't where we sit.
Mary: It's all right.
Sheldon: All right? This is nowhere near the acoustic sweet spot.
Missy: Shush.
Sheldon: And I'm sitting behind what may be the largest man in Texas.
Missy: Shh!
[The man turns around to look at Sheldon]
Quote from Mary
Sheldon: Do you think Georgie got a tattoo in jail?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Do you think Meemaw did?
Mary: Probably.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: Sadly, "niblingo" never quite caught on. But that doesn't stop me from using it in Scrabble.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: For example, if Mandy and Georgie were married, she'd be our sister-in-law.
Missy: But they're not.
Sheldon: Exactly. So we need a term for the unmarried mother of our future niece or nephew.
Missy: How 'bout "Mandy"?
Sheldon: Follow me... if we knew the sex of the baby and it was a boy, I was thinking we could call Mandy "nephewterus," because she'd be having a nephew in her uterus. However, "nieceuterus" just doesn't hit the ear right.
Missy: I still think "Mandy" works.
Sheldon: Now, there is a gender-neutral term coined by linguist Samuel Martin in the 1950s, which takes the "N" from "niece" or "nephew" with "sibling"” to get "nibling."
Missy: So she'd be our nibling?
Sheldon: No, the baby's the nibling. Mandy would be either the niblingess or the niblinger. Or, in a swerve from our traditional German suffixes, "niblingo."
Missy: That one.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, that one's the winner.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: How ya holding up?
George Jr.: Not so good. Kid ain't even born yet and I'm already a terrible father.
Meemaw: You're not terrible. A terrible father would've walked away.
George Jr.: Thank you. Was my dad real pissed off?
Meemaw: No. He was positively giddy about having to drive eight hours down to the border to bail your ass out.
George Jr.: Your ass, too.
Meemaw: Yeah, but I like it when he's pissed at me.
Quote from Mandy
Missy: Do you hate Georgie?
Mandy: No. No, Georgie's a good guy. If anything, I hate myself for making bad decisions.
Missy: Like having sex before marriage?
Mandy: More like having tequila before sex.
Mary: Hey. What's going on here?
Missy: Mandy was just telling me how she got pregnant.
Mandy: No, no...
Missy: But you said...
Mandy: No.
Missy: No.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Who are you talking to?
Mary: [exhales sharply] God.
Sheldon: To yourself. Got it. And you think, like Job, God is testing your faith?
Mary: [scoffs] Sure would explain all the bad things that have been happening.
Sheldon: So believing in a god who's going out of his way to ruin your life is more comforting than believing there's no God at all?
Mary: Isn't it past your bedtime?
Sheldon: I know. Good night.
Mary: Wait. Where's your sister?
Sheldon: At Meemaw's, talking to Mandy.
Mary: What? Why?
Sheldon: Can we table this for tomorrow? I'm running on fumes.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Okay, God, we need to talk. Are you testing me? Is this a test? Am I Mrs. Job? I try to be a good person, but... lately, it feels like you are smacking me down every chance you get. And I know that that might sound a little ungrateful right now, as I load my new dishwasher... That I love... But can't you pick on someone else for a while?
Quote from Sheldon
Missy: Freeze, dirtbag.
Mandy: Who are you?
Sheldon: No, no, we have the moral high ground here.
Missy: Yeah. Who are you?
Mandy: I'm a friend of the lady that lives here. I'm worried about her.
Sheldon: That's no lady. That's our meemaw.
Quote from Dale
George Sr.: I really appreciate this, Dale.
Dale: Smuggling cigarettes? What the hell was she thinking?
George Sr.: It was Georgie's idea.
Dale: Well, that makes more sense. Well, whose truck we taking?
George Sr.: You're coming?
Dale: My ex-girlfriend in jail at the Mexican border? [chuckles] I got to take pictures.
George Sr.: [scoffs] All right, I'll drive.
Dale: But we got to stop and get film.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Meemaw's in jail?
Mary: Uh... No.
George Sr.: Forget about it.
Sheldon: Forget about it? Do I need to remind you I remember my birth?
George Sr.: [grunts] Go to your room.
Sheldon: That was a rough day.
Mary: Rough day for me.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: What is happening to our family?
Missy: I know. Georgie and Meemaw in jail.
Sheldon: Mom getting kicked out of the church.
Missy: Georgie having a baby out of wedlock. You know what this means, don't you?
Sheldon: What?
Missy: We really are white trash.
Sheldon: Speak for yourself. I'm in college on a full ride. But I wish y'all luck.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Hello.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, I am so sorry about today. I understand why you're upset. But the church is still your family. I'd just... hate to see you walk away from the Lord.
Mary: [inhales sharply, sighs] Feels like he's walking away from me.
[Mary closes the door on Pastor Jeff]
Quote from George Sr.
Mary: Arrested? What do you mean, arrested?
George Sr.: I don't know. Some problem with Customs.
Mary: What were they doing in Mexico?
George Sr.: I don't know.
Mary: Why didn't they tell us they were going?
George Sr.: How many times I got to say I don't know?
Quote from Meemaw
George Jr.: You see what I see?
Meemaw: What?
George Jr.: An open window.
Meemaw: You want to make a run for it?
George Jr.: You got a better plan?
Meemaw: Yes. You shutting up.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: How 'bout... when we get home... I make it up to ya?
Dale: Now, hold on. You want to... you want to wipe out a $2500, debt with one roll in the hay?
Meemaw: Are you saying I'm not worth it?
Dale: I'm saying it's a lot of money.
Meemaw: Never mind. Offer's off the table.
Dale: No, no, no, wait a minute. Hang on.
Meemaw: Too late. Too late.
Dale: Hey, I was thinking a fair price would be... $500 a roll.
Meemaw: Well, isn't that what a girl wants to hear?
Dale: Seemed fair to me.
Quote from George Sr.
George Jr.: I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's expected of me. At least you and Mom got married and were a team.
George Sr.: Yeah, you got it rougher than me.
George Jr.: Does it ever stop being scary?
George Sr.: I got a call from the Mexican border that my son was in jail. What do you think?
George Jr.: Fair point. Sorry.
Quote from George Sr.
George Jr.: Can I ask you something?
George Sr.: What?
George Jr.: Were you scared when Mom got pregnant with me?
George Sr.: I was terrified.
George Jr.: Huh.
George Sr.: Why? You scared?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: Good. You'd be a fool if you weren't.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: I know I messed up.
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
George Jr.: And I'm gonna pay you back. Every penny.
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
George Jr.: You get that I was doing this for the baby, right?
George Sr.: I do.
George Jr.: Which, when you think about it, could be a reason to be proud of me. [off George's look] Take some time. Think about it.
Quote from George Jr.
Judge Landry: So, smuggling cigarettes.
Meemaw: Your Honor, there was no smuggling. This is a... misunderstanding.
Judge Landry: 400 cartons of undeclared cigarettes?
George Jr.: Is that over the limit?
Judge Landry: By 399.
Meemaw: [quietly]: I told you not to talk.
George Jr.: And he told you not to talk.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: This'll be a cool story to tell my kid someday.
Meemaw: Sure.
George Jr.: Oh. You know what would be awesome? If it was a boy, we name him Winston. You know, like the cigarettes? And if it's a girl, we could name her Virginia. Virginia Slims.
Meemaw: Okay. I think that's enough of you for now.
[Meemaw moves further down the bench, away from Georgie]
Quote from George Jr.
Judge Landry: All right. [grunts] Here's your options: plead not guilty, post a bond, come back here for a trial, which you will lose, because you're guilty.
Meemaw: Or?
Judge Landry: Plead guilty, pay a fine and I never see your face again.
George Jr.: But we get the cigarettes back, right?
Judge Landry: No.
Quote from Mandy
Sheldon: Mandy: Are you Georgie's brother and sister?
Missy: Yeah.
Mandy: I'm Mandy. I'm Georgie's... I'm Mandy.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: How much is the fine?
Judge Landry: Why don't we say $2,500?
Meemaw: Let's say $500.
Judge Landry: This is not a negotiation.
Meemaw: I hear ya. $750.
Quote from Dale
Dale: So instead of traveling around the country with me, she'd rather smuggle cigarettes and rot in jail. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?
George Sr.: I don't know. Bad?
Dale: Damn right, bad. Treated that woman like a queen.
George Sr.: Didn't you break up with her?
Dale: [huffs] That was a bluff. Never thought she'd call it.
George Sr.: Well, you are coming to her rescue. Maybe this'll turn things around.
Dale: Who says I want her back?
George Sr.: Great, you don't want her back. Let's drop it.
Dale: I will say one thing. I miss the sex.
George Sr.: Oh, God.
Dale: She is vivacious. And not just for a woman her age.
George Sr.: Oh, look, a hitchhiker. Let's pick him up. Maybe he'll kill me.
Quote from Sheldon
Mandy: So why is Connie in jail?
Missy: That's family business.
Sheldon: Although Mandy is carrying Georgie's baby and Georgie's also in jail, so...
Mandy: Georgie's in jail?!
Missy: Why are you still talking?
Sheldon: That is a valid question. It's past my bedtime.
Missy: Good. Go.
Sheldon: [waves at Mandy] Nice meeting you! [walks off]
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: Evening! Evening! Mary.
Mary: Evening.
Pastor Jeff: How come George ain't taking out the garbage?
Mary: He's, uh... [inhales sharply] I am perfectly capable of taking the trash cans out.
Pastor Jeff: 'Course. You are woman... hear you roar. [chuckling]
Quote from Missy
Missy: Who you spying on?
Sheldon: Meemaw's house. There's a strange woman loitering on her porch.
Missy: Let me see.
Sheldon: Should we call the police?
Missy: Nah, she's too pretty to be a burglar.
Sheldon: I don't think that's how that works.
Quote from Missy
Pastor Jeff: Hi there, Missy.
Missy: [sighs] May I help you?
Pastor Jeff: Um, I was hoping to talk to your mom. She around?
Missy: I'm not sure. Let me see if she's available.
Mary: What's going on?
Missy: She's available.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: How's Mom?
Missy: Pretty upset.
Sheldon: Even after that excellent speech I made?
Missy: For once, I don't think you're the problem.
Sheldon: Good for me. [doorbell rings] I'm reading. [Missy sighs]
Quote from Mary
Pastor Jeff: Dear friends, let us love one another. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. It means that we are responsible for sharing that love with all those around us. Now let's join hands and pray.
[The woman sitting along the pew from Mary turns behind her to take somebody else's hand]
Pastor Jeff: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for gathering us here today to join together in worship...
Mary: I've had enough. Let's go.
Missy: You sure?
Mary: Yes.
Quote from Sheldon
Mandy: And I'm worried about your meemaw.
Missy: Well, you don't have to be. She's fine.
Sheldon: She is?
Missy: Yes, Sheldon, she is.
Sheldon: So she's not in jail?
Mandy: She's in jail?
Sheldon: Well, I thought so, but maybe not.
[Missy gives an oblivious Sheldon a scornful look, but he breezily shakes his head, oblivious to her intent]
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Just to be clear, I'm gonna pay you back every cent.
Dale: Ah. Don't worry about it.
Meemaw: I am worrying about it.
Dale: Well, think of the money as a gift. That I'm gonna be holding over your head.
Meemaw: Well, that doesn't work for me.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: Well, regardless, it's happening. I'm gonna be a dad.
George Sr.: Yes, you are.
George Jr.: I hope I'm as good a dad as you are.
George Sr.: Don't try to butter me up.
George Jr.: [chuckles] You saw that, huh?
George Sr.: Yeah, I saw it.
George Jr.: Boy, you are smart.
Quote from Meemaw
Judge Landry: Leon, get these clowns out of here.
George Jr.: Your Honor, please, I really need those cigarettes back. My girlfriend's gonna have my baby and I was gonna sell 'em to help pay for the medical expenses.
Judge Landry: That's a touching story. Leon!
Leon: [enters] Sorry. Too much Mountain Dew.
Judge Landry: Take 'em back to holding.
Meemaw: [sighs] How 'bout $1,000, and you can keep my grandson?
Quote from Dale
Dale: When I get the pictures developed, you want copies?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: Jail's made you cranky. Still haven't heard "thank you."
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dale: Those are the words, but... just not feeling it.
Meemaw: I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm embarrassed. Could we just... please not?
Dale: Sorry. Did you have to join any gangs when you were in there? [chuckles]
Quote from Dale
Dale: This is gonna be my Christmas card. [camera clicks, flashes]
Meemaw: [wakes up] What the hell? What are you doing here?
Dale: I'm saving ya.
George Sr.: You think I got that kind of cash lying around?
Dale: He doesn't. That's why I'm saving you.
Meemaw: Well, damn.
Quote from Meemaw
Judge Landry: [enters] Son of a bitch. New shirt.
Meemaw: You give me some seltzer, I can get that right out.
Judge Landry: Shh.
Meemaw: Sorry.
Quote from Mary
Pastor Jeff: How's Georgie and his, uh, young lady friend?
Mary: Great. They're great.
Pastor Jeff: Has anything changed vis-à-vis their... nuptials?
Mary: Nope. Baby's gonna be a bastard. That's what you're implying, isn't it?
Pastor Jeff: [stammers] Not a word I like to use. But, most important, a happy, healthy...
Mary: Bastard.
Pastor Jeff: What you said.
Mary: Good night, Pastor.
Pastor Jeff: God bless.
Quote from Missy
Mandy: So, what happened?
Missy: All I know is they had a problem at the border. Something about smuggling cigarettes.
Mandy: [quietly] What an idiot.
Missy: Hey. He was just trying to make money 'cause you got pregnant.
Mandy: Oh, so this is my fault?
Missy: He didn't make that baby on his own.
Mandy: Look, you're just a kid, okay? You don't understand what's going on here.
Missy: I know my mom lost her job and got kicked out of the church because you won't marry my brother.
Mandy: I didn't know that.
Missy: So... did I win this argument? Feels like I did.
Quote from Missy
Missy: Are we going to church?
Mary: I'm going.
Missy: After everything that happened? Isn't that weird?
Mary: Doesn't matter. I need to.
Missy: I'll go with you.
Mary: You don't have to.
Missy: I want to.
["Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. plays. Mary and Missy turn to look at Sheldon, who is eating his cereal]
Sheldon: What?
Quote from Missy
Mandy: I'm sorry about your troubles with the church.
Mary: [to Missy] What did you tell her?
Missy: Just the highlights. Oh! I forgot I punched out a kid in Sunday school.
Mary: You don't have to tell her all that.
Missy: Maybe she'll feel guilty and marry Georgie.
[Mary turns and looks expectantly at Mandy]
Mandy: No.
Quote from Missy
Missy: [over walkie-talkie] Yeah?
Sheldon: I can't sleep.
Missy: Me neither. This whole Mandy thing is a mess.
Sheldon: If you mean the nomenclature, I agree.
Missy: Norman who?
Sheldon: Nomenclature... the system of devising or choosing names for things.