Mary: I don't see them.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?
Mary: Mom.
Mary Sue: Behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Mary: Would you please be a little more discreet?
Meemaw: She doesn't know it's for you.
Mary: Well, it sure isn't for you.

Mary: So, today I thought maybe we'd mix things up a little bit, and do some reading from Esther.
Betty: I don't think I've ever read Esther.
Mary: Oh, you are in for a treat. There is some good stuff in here. Let us open our Bibles to, uh, chapter two, verse 12. "Before a young woman's turn came to go into King Xerxes, she had to complete 12 months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women: six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics." Did anyone else realize that cosmetics were right here in the Bible? I just find that fascinating.
Betty: Uh, well, t-this next verse talks about her being a concubine.
Mary: Hey, hey, don't skip ahead. We're still talking cosmetics. Did you know that Esther used her beauty to stop a genocide?
Ann: Really?
Mary: Sometimes, I think we forget how powerful beauty can be. But I know I sure feel powerful when I'm wearing this new line of Mary Kay cosmetics. Take a gander, ladies.

[Mary sobbing]
George Sr.: Hey, what what's wrong?
Mary: Nothing. Keep going.
[Mary's crying intensifies]
George Sr.: Mary?
Mary: George, I just miss my little boy so much, and he's never gonna come back 'cause he doesn't need his mama.
George Sr.: Oh, baby, of course he'll come back.
Mary: No, you should've seen how happy he was.
George Sr.: All right, well, still got Georgie and Missy.
[Mary starts wailing]

Mr. Lundy: Attagirl! They've already seen the before. Let's show 'em the after. Here. Try this.
Mary: That's awfully red.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly. And when you see red, what comes to your mind?
Mary: Satan.
Mr. Lundy: Glamour. Sex appeal, a little va-va-voom!
Mary: I don't know.
Mr. Lundy: You are not just selling makeup. You are selling power, you are selling confidence, and that starts right here. Now are you a powerful, confident woman?
Mary: Yes.
Mr. Lundy: Slather this on. Let's try again.
[later:]
Mr. Lundy: Somebody call highway patrol. This billboard is causing accidents.
Mary: Really?
Mr. Lundy: You had the va, then you got another va, now you got the voom. Sell me some makeup.
Mary: Hello there.
Mr. Lundy: Now I'm listening.

George Jr.: So how many times have you seen Road House?
Mary: Sorry, can't hear you.
George Jr.: More or less than five? 'Cause that'show many times I've seen it.
Mary: That's how many years you're gonna be grounded if you don't drop it right now.
George Jr.: Does Dad know you like this movie?
Mary: [vacuum stops] No, and it is gonna stay that way.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because it is not something I should be watching.
George Jr.: Then why are you watching it?
Mary: It is a guilty pleasure, so will you drop it now?
George Jr.: Relax. I ain't gonna tell nobody.
Mary: Thank you.
George Jr.: I think it's awesome you like it.
Mary: It is pretty cool how Dalton doesn't drive his Mercedes to the bar 'cause he knows they're gonna trash it.
George Jr.: Dalton's no dummy.
Mary: No, sir.

Mary: I thought you were gonna join a club.
Sheldon: Too bad there isn't a Dr. Linkletter Haters Club. I would join that in a heartbeat. Maybe I should start one.
Mary: Starting your own club is an interesting idea. Maybe just not one based on, you know, hating someone.
Sheldon: You started that group at church for parents who hate The Simpsons.
Mary: It's not about hate. We just write letters to get it taken off the air. [chuckles] And it's gonna happen any day now.
Adult Sheldon: Ironically, the only Simpson she did like was O.J. Time's funny that way.

Mary: Let's just eat.
Sheldon: Without praying?
Mary: [chuckles] How silly of me.
George Sr.: You all right?
Meemaw: Well, she's had a whole beer, so who knows.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Can we just pray? [sighs] Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it. And forgive me for that beer. My mother made me do it. Amen.
Meemaw: Snitch.

Sheldon: Good news. I found a way to take a break from science.
Mary: That's great. What is it?
Sheldon: A fantasy book series called The Lord of the Rings.
Mary: Well, it's got "the Lord" in it. That's something.

Mary: What's going on with John?
Meemaw: Not much. We write letters back and forth.
Mary: That's romantic.
Meemaw: Romantic if he were off to war, not in a mental hospital.
Mary: Well, he's at war with his inner demons.

Mary: Esther would be so proud. This is a face that would stop the spilling of blood.
Ann: You think?
Mary: I do. Now, if you order the starter package today, I will throw in the spring palette.
Ann: Sold.
Mary: Oh, praise the Lord. Now who's next?

Mary: And Pastor Jeff asked me to hold him accountable so he doesn't succumb to temptation.
George Sr.: Well, how the heck you do that?
Mary: I'm not sure. Probably have to give him the stink eye every so often.

Sheldon: My mother believes I'm mentally unstable. And since there's a genetic component and I'm her child, I suppose it's possible.
Mary: I know you're angry right now, but you will not be disrespectful.
Sheldon: You know, fits of rage are a classic sign of psychosis.
Mary: Oh, you haven't seen fits of rage yet!

Pastor Jeff: "Life is too short to be married to a loser. I'm leaving you. Love, Selena."
Mary: "Love, Selena"? Well, that's kind of a mixed message.

Mary: When do we get to sit down with her and talk this through?
George Jr.: Ah, yeah, here's the thing about that: she ain't real eager to meet y'all.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Did you want to meet George's parents when he knocked you up?
Mary: I was not "knocked up," I was with child. And he's right there. [Georgie waves to Meemaw]

Mary: Okay, Dr. Sturgis will be joining us for dinner.
Sheldon: Hot darn.
Missy: That guy's back?
George Jr.: I thought he was in the nut house.
Mary: We do not call it that.
George Jr.: That's what Dad calls it.
Mary: And that's why I made him sit.

George Jr.: Veronica has a boyfriend.
Mary: You mean Dustin?
George Jr.: You know him?
Mary: Well, yeah, she met him through the church. Lovely young man.
George Jr.: You like him?
Mary: Oh. Well, um the Lord teaches us to like everybody.

Mary: What do you think? Pretty great, huh? Realtor's letting us use it for free.
Meemaw: Wow. How'd you swing that?
Mary: Well, I promised Fred Murphy a lead role in the lust room.
Meemaw: Ooh.

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?
Mary: No, not that I remember.
George Sr.: Really? You cried for, like, seven months.
Mary: Those were tears of joy. [WEAK LAUGH]
George Sr.: What about all those times you punched me?
Mary: Punches of joy.

Mary: Hi, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to see how today went.
Mary: Oh. [goes outside] Not great. Sheldon is already in some sort of fight with his philosophy professor.
Brenda Sparks: About what?
Sheldon: Currently, he's plotting "the destruction of her worldview," whatever that means.
Brenda Sparks: Sounds exciting.
Mary: It's mostly him reading a book and giggling to himself.

Mary: Oh, um... I saw you and Brenda Sparks out for a walk this mornin'. That's fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. Nice way to start the day.
Mary: Yeah. Um... I'd go with George, but he's a gym teacher, and as a group, they're not much for walkin'.
Pastor Jeff: Well, you keep asking, maybe he'll come around.
Mary: Good idea, thank you.
Pastor Jeff: It's not just witty church signs up here.