Sheldon: Are there any Vietnamese superheroes?
Tam: There's one called Half-Face.
Sheldon: Why?
Tam: The communist government forced him to build bombs, and one blew off half his face.
Sheldon: The left half or the right half?
Tam: The bottom half.
Sheldon: That's an important half.

Missy: How was your chicken?
Sheldon: Not bad. The dish soap gave it a nice lemony flavor.

Mrs. Costello: Um, how about MIT in Boston?
Sheldon: Do they have a strong physics program?
Mrs. Costello: They're more of an engineering school.
Sheldon: Next.

Sheldon: Well?
Randall: Do you even have a resume?
Sheldon: No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.

Meemaw: Maybe you got a little crush on her.
Sheldon: Do you want me to kick your seat?
Meemaw: I don't know, Moonpie. I'm still thinking it might be jealousy.
Sheldon: Give me one reason why I would be jealous.
Meemaw: Well, Dr. Sturgis means a lot to you, and now he's paying attention to somebody else. You're used to being the only smart kid around, and now there's another. Oh, and there's the possibility-
Sheldon: I said one reason, thank you.

Sheldon: And she's such a know-it-all.
Meemaw: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Sheldon: I'm surprised her arm wasn't sore from raising her hand so much.
Meemaw: Yep, sure.
Sheldon: And who goes to college with stickers on their notepad?
Meemaw: I don't know.
Sheldon: Unicorn stickers!

Sheldon: Now we need to put in a name before we start.
Meemaw: What are you thinking?
Sheldon: We should combine the letters in our two names, Sheldon and Meemaw.
Meemaw: Like, uh, ShelMaw?
Sheldon: No, using all the letters, like Emelda Showmen.
Meemaw: Did you just do that in your head?
Sheldon: Yes, why?
Meemaw: Never mind, just put it down.

Nora: So, we've got a tummyache?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm afraid it might be cholera.
Nora: Again?
Sheldon: I have one of the symptoms.
Nora: Okay, on a scale of one to ten, what's your pain level?
Sheldon: Three point four seven.
Nora: That's pretty serious. But since you're at a 3.47, I'm gonna give you the strongest medication I'm allowed to give you.
Sheldon: You're an angel of mercy, Nurse Nora. Ooh, cherry.

Sheldon: One second. Excuse me, Nurse Robinson?
Nurse Robinson: Yes?
Sheldon: Will you give this Iron Man comic to Ricky?
Nurse Robinson: I'll see that he gets it.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Nurse Robinson: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: And thank you for taking care of me.
Nurse Robinson: You're welcome. You stay healthy.
Sheldon: I will.
Nurse Robinson: When did he become nice?

George: I may not understand exactly what's going on with you and Dr. Sturgis, but you can't be rude to an adult.
Sheldon: What if they're wrong?
George: Doesn't matter. There are plenty of stupid people in the world, but when they're older than you, you got to show them respect.
Sheldon: I understand, sir. Thank you for your incredibly wise advice.
George: Okay.
Missy: Did you just call Dad stupid without calling him stupid?
Sheldon: Yes.

Mr. Givens: All right. Well, I'll see you on Monday.
Sheldon: Wait. Would you like to sign my petition against Happy Hearth Home Bakeries?
Mr. Givens: Well, what have they done?
Sheldon: They're making their bread faster and cheaper to save money.
Mr. Givens: That's terrible.
Sheldon: It is. Would you like to sign?
Mr. Givens: I would.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Mr. Givens: I'll get you on the way out.
Sheldon: Thank you. Well, that's one.
Meemaw: Yeah.

Sheldon: In other school news, this Friday night our football team will be playing another football team.

Sheldon: Are we going to watch an educational film?
Mr. Givens: We're gonna watch Star Trek.
Sheldon: Star Trek in school? Wowie Zowie.

Sheldon: This is bad.
George: You're gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: This is the arm I write with. This is the arm I eat with. This is the arm I do the Vulcan salute with. Ow.
George: It's not too swollen. That's a good sign.
Sheldon: You're not a doctor.
George: But I see this on the football field all the time.
Sheldon: Football players are meant to be hurt. I'm meant to be cherished.

George: Should we get started?
Malcolm Green: Yes.
Adult Sheldon: I realize some people may find the ins and outs of tax law a little tedious, so allow me to spice this story up. Instead of an audit, imagine this is a showdown between two warriors in the most brutal and exciting form of combat there is... chess. Am I the only one who just got chills?
[fantasy:]
Malcolm Green: Let's start with the business deductions from Schedule A on the tax return dated 1989.
Adult Sheldon: I know, bold opening move. Don't worry, I came to play.
Sheldon: Happy to. I've got those receipts right here. Dated, highlighted... and itemized.
Adult Sheldon: Told you. For the next three hours, we battled it out. Two mighty brains locked in mortal tax code combat.
Malcolm Green: Justify this expense.
Sheldon: Our AGI was less than $50,000.
Malcolm Green: Improper classification.
Sheldon: Rolled over from the previous fiscal year.
Malcolm Green: The receipt has barbecue sauce on it.
Sheldon: Dad.
George: Sorry.