Sheldon: I was shocked to learn that the Happy Hearth Home Bakeries had been bought out by the Domestic Food Corporation, and they started making their bread faster and cheaper.
Anchor: And you don't like that, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Anchor: And you're collecting signatures to make them stop.
Sheldon: I am. Corporations shouldn't be allowed to make these decisions on their own.
Anchor: Well, who should?
Sheldon: The people who eat the bread. This wouldn't happen if there were centralized control over all these big corporations.
Anchor: Are you suggesting a communist form of government in Texas?
Sheldon: I suppose I am.
Meemaw: Hang on a sec-
Anchor: There you have it. Local boy Sheldon Cooper says communism is what Texas needs.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

George Sr.: Sheldon, can you come in here for a minute?!
Sheldon: Yes?
George Sr.: Have a seat. We want to talk to you.
Sheldon: All right.
George Sr.: So, today we found out about a school in Dallas for really smart kids.
Sheldon: When can I start?
Mary: Hold on. Dallas is far away, so you'd have to live with another family.
Sheldon: Do they have a dog?
Mary: Uh, we don't know.
Sheldon: Well, can you make some calls?
Mary: I guess, but wouldn't you miss your mom and dad?
Sheldon: Oh. Yes, I suppose I will. So, when are you calling about the dog?

Mary: Sheldon, I understand why you're upset, but you still owe him an apology.
Sheldon: Then you don't understand.
Mary: Well, for now, it sounds like you two could use a little quiet time.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll switch over to Dr. Linkletter's class. He's a foot taller than Sturgis and can reach more of the chalkboard.

Meemaw: Honey, Channel 7 is not coming.
Anchor: [HORN HONKS] You Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am.
Meemaw: You got to be kidding me.
Sheldon: How's my hair look?

Sheldon: I can't find an umbrella.
Mary: What do you need an umbrella for? It's gonna be hot and sunny.
Sheldon: I think you've answered your own question.

George Sr.: Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight. When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause then he'll go to, you know, scratch his nose, and he gets shaving cream on his face.
Sheldon: And then what?
George Sr.: Well that - that's it.
Sheldon: But I'm a guest in their home, and that doesn't seem like a very good way to repay their kindness.
George Sr.: Never mind.
Sheldon: And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes? That would sting.
George Sr.: Sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream. I'd have to use his dad's, and that-
George Sr.: Forget it!

Sheldon: Okay. Who's next?
Missy: Wendy and Bill Mackenzie.
Sheldon: Of Mackenzie Chevrolet? Now those are what we call "deep pockets."

Sheldon: When the Aggies give up the ball on their own five-yard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring. When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring. But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.

Sheldon: Did he apologize?
Mary: No. He is very upset with you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm upset with him.
Mary: That doesn't excuse you from trying to get him in trouble by calling Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Who else was I supposed to tattle to? I doubt his mother's still alive.

Sheldon: How come Mom's not taking me to school?
George Sr.: 'Cause once in a while, your dad wants to spend some time with you. My little Shel-man.
Sheldon: But Mom's car has a backseat. Statistically, I'm much safer there.

George Sr.: Hey, I'm glad you brought up statistically. You think those numbers you talked about for Texas A&M would apply to my JV squad?
Sheldon: I don't see why not. Unlike our former principal, math doesn't discriminate.

George Sr.: I got something for you.
Sheldon: It's dirty.
George Sr.: Well, that's 'cause it's the game ball. And you earned it, 'cause you helped us win.
Sheldon: Okay, but can you wash it?
Mary: Sheldon, your daddy's telling you he's proud of you.
Sheldon: I see. Thank you, Dad.
George Sr.: You're welcome.
Sheldon: I'm still never touching that.
Mary: Let's go wipe it off.

Mary: How do they feel?
Sheldon: My brand loyalty is being severely tested.

Meemaw: Hey! There's my little Moonpie. Did you get a chance to look at this week's games for me?
Sheldon: Not yet.
Meemaw: You understand there's a little time crunch involved? Meemaw's got some outstanding loans I need to pay back.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I have to finish my homework and then I have to help my dad.
Meemaw: Come on. I'm your meemaw. I make you cookies. How 'bout a little quid pro quo?
Sheldon: As much as I enjoy your use of Latin, no.

Sheldon: [on the phone with a veterinary practice] Yes, hello? Oh, that's too bad. How about a small fluffy one that's recently died of old age?

Mary: Calm down. It was just the 4:00 news. I'm sure no one saw it.
Sheldon: I hope a lot of people saw it and Happy Hearth is forced to give our country good bread again.

Paige: Why are you taking a backpack to the mall?
Sheldon: This is my mall safety kit. Earplugs to drown out crowd noise, Wet-Naps to wipe down escalator handrails, a compass, a map of the mall, and a whistle, in case I get lost or approached by a woman holding a perfume bottle.
Missy: You want to stuff him in there, right?
Paige: No. [nods]

Sheldon: Thank you for asking. I appreciate it. And how are you doing?
Ms. Hutchins: Since when are you interested?
Sheldon: My father told me I should be kind to old people.
Ms. Hutchins: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My father also told me if a woman ever asks you that, it's a trap.
Ms. Hutchins: Smart man.
Sheldon: But I'll say 53.

Mary: All right, I'll make a deal with you.
Sheldon: I'm listening.
Mary: You can go to Houston with your friends, but I want to meet this girl first.
Sheldon: That's very reasonable. Thank you.
Mary: You're welcome.
Sheldon: Now, can you please reach the dryer sheets? I get vertigo on the step stool.

Sheldon: No, we have to wait for Channel 7 news.
Meemaw: Channel 7?
Sheldon: Yes. I called them this morning and told them there was a human interest story at the supermarket.
Meemaw: What story?
Sheldon: Classic Americana. Little guy versus corporate greed.