President Hagemeyer: Here we are.
Sheldon: [chuckles] What is this?
President Hagemeyer: A dorm room, and it's all yours. You can study, take naps, do whatever you want.
Sheldon: No one's living here?
President Hagemeyer: Well, we had an Indian exchange student, but he developed a taste for barbecue, so his parents made him go home.
Sheldon: Well, thank you for this.
President Hagemeyer: You're welcome.
Sheldon: It's like I always say, never underestimate the power of complaining.
Adult Sheldon: I've been testing that theory for decades, still works like gangbusters.

Sam: This is so unfair. You get so much more than every other student.
Sheldon: Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing. Fair is everyone getting what they deserve.
Sam: Sheldon, that arrogant attitude is why no one sits with you in class or lunch or ever.
Sheldon: Well, I like to think that they're maintaining a respectful distance out of deference to my intellect.
Sam: No. That's not what they're doing. They're avoiding you because you're an entitled brat who thinks that you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: So, I should just pretend I'm less intelligent than I am?
Sam: You should realize that there are more important things in life than how smart you are.
Sheldon: Well, I'm also cute as a button, but it seems shallow to say it. [an exasperated Sam walks away] You could say it.

Sheldon: Mom, I know what I want to do for spring break. What happened to your face?
Mr. Lundy: Told you, people take notice.
Mary: This is for my new job.
Sheldon: Is your new job fighting Batman? Because you look like The Joker.

Sheldon: Niblingo, I have a question.
George: Niblingo?
Missy: He made it up.
Sheldon: I coined it because there was no word to denote the unmarried mother of our niece or nephew.
Mandy: Sheldon, that sounds rude.
Sheldon: Do you have a better word for the unmarried mother of a niece or nephew?
Mary: [exhales] I'm not sure we need one.
Mandy: I think it's sweet. Kind of.

Professor Salzman: [sighs] You are far behind many of your peers.
Sheldon: I have no peers.
Professor Salzman: I think they would agree. Which is why I'm going to recommend tutoring.
Sheldon: Me tutor them?
Professor Salzman: No.
Sheldon: You tutor me?
Professor Salzman: No.
Sheldon: Me tutor you?
Professor Salzman: Miss Chen.
Mei-Tung: Yes, Professor?
Professor Salzman: You have an undergraduate degree in education, ja?
Mei-Tung: Yes, sir.
Professor Salzman: Teach him.

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, what you got there?
Sheldon: An IBM ThinkPad.
Pastor Jeff: Does that seem appropriate for church?
Sheldon: It's a miracle of technology. [stands up] Luddites, this is a portable computer. 50 megahertz of processing power, four megabytes of RAM. Behold and worship.
Adult Sheldon: What a mischievous imp I was.

Ms. MacElroy: What?
Sheldon: Also in violation of the grooming code on page 48, article five, subsection B, you have a bit of a mustache.

Mrs. Costello: Okay, let's see. What about Caltech in Pasadena?
Sheldon: I can't see myself living in California. I don't trust their carefree lifestyle.

Sheldon: You're sitting in my spot.
Tam: Why is it your spot?
Sheldon: It's complicated. Just move.

Mary: That's enough. Now, let's pray.
Sheldon: A moment please.
George: Hmm.
Mary: Leave him be.
George: He can hold hands with his family. It won't kill him.
Sheldon: We don't know that.

Missy: Why don't you believe in God? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Because science explains the universe without the need of inventing a supernatural being.
Missy: But how do you know for sure He doesn't exist?
Sheldon: Ooh. [raises hand]
Missy: Stop that.
Sheldon: The burden of proof isn't on me. If I said there was an invisible monkey in the room with us, you shouldn't believe me just because you can't prove me wrong.

Sheldon: Georgie, did you wash your hands before dinner? Or even this week?
Georgie: None of your business.
Sheldon: Hence the mittens.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, First National Bank. I'd like to speak with a loan officer. It's regarding a second mortgage on my home. My name is Sheldon Lee Cooper. Sure, I'll hold. Oh, I hate hold music.

Sheldon: Whoa. That girl just took a book on geostatistics.
Tam: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: That's not required reading for any science course.
Tam: Maybe she wants to squash a spider with it.
Sheldon: No, look, she's reading it. Who is this mystery woman?
Tam: Should we invite her to have lunch with us?
Sheldon: I don't know. So far, it's just been you and me, and we know that works. Do we really want to mess with success?
Tam: We could think of it as an experiment.
Sheldon: Oh, you do know how to push my buttons.

Ms. MacElroy: Mr. Cooper, you're late.
Sheldon: I know I'm late. My training wheels broke.
Derek: Training wheels?
Sheldon: Yes, Derek! I have training wheels like a child! I also have a job like an adult. I'm a very complicated person!
Ms. MacElroy: Sure. Let's go with complicated.