Pastor Jeff: Because the first day had just begun.
Sheldon: So, before the Big Bang?
Pastor Jeff: There was no Big Bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon: Was the word "kaboom"?

Ms. Hutchins: Hey there, Sheldon. What can I get for you today? Chemistry? Quantum mechanics? Astronomy?
Sheldon: No, nothing fun today. I need to learn how to make a friend.

Sheldon: Georgie, did you wash your hands before dinner? Or even this week?
George Jr.: None of your business.
Sheldon: Hence the mittens.

Dr. Barrett: Do you want to kick this off and tell us exactly what carbon dating is?
Paige: The 5,730-year half-life of carbon 14 is used as a geochronometer.
Dr. Barrett: Anything else you'd like to add?
Sheldon: Um... carbon dating is how we figured out how old my grandmother is.
Adult Sheldon: It was at this moment I learned I was not only brilliant; I was also hilarious. [ADULT SHELDON LAUGHS]

Tam: So we came to Medford and opened up a convenience store. My parents work 16 hours a day, seven days a week for very little money. [silence]
Sheldon: Well, that was depressing.

George Sr.: Does he really have to walk around with that?
Mary: He's fine. Leave him be.
Missy: You're just begging to get beat up.
Sheldon: I'm more concerned about the biggest bully of all: the Sun.

Tam: All right, go ask her.
Sheldon: Why me?
Tam: Your lack of testosterone makes you adorable to women.
Sheldon: I can't argue with that.

Mrs. Costello: Okay, let's see. What about Caltech in Pasadena?
Sheldon: I can't see myself living in California. I don't trust their carefree lifestyle.

Sheldon: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Tam: You're not?
Sheldon: I was touched 82 times this afternoon.
Tam: What do you mean, "touched"?
Sheldon: Not inappropriately. Joyfully. Affectionately. A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.
Tam: That's amazing. [goes to high five Sheldon]
Sheldon: No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.

Ms. Hutchins: Aw, honey, you having a hard time adjusting to high school?
Sheldon: I'm having a hard time adjusting to Earth.

[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Sheldon: Go Wolves.
Lisa May: What?
Sheldon: You're a cheerleader, and by saying "Go Wolves," I'm initiating a conversation about something that interests you.
Lisa May: Oh, are you one of those special ed kids?
Sheldon: My mom says I'm special. Would you like to be friends?
Lisa May: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Are you sure? What if I told you I admired your boldly-applied makeup?

Adult Sheldon: They say, in the final moments, your life passes before your eyes. All I saw was my brother licking jelly off the knife and putting it back in the jar. [Sheldon coughs up the sausage]
Mary: Okay, it's better now. Sheldon, honey, are you okay? Can you breathe? Say something!
Sheldon: You have to throw away that jelly.

George Sr.: Did you ever wonder why we moved from Galveston to Medford?
Sheldon: I tend to worry about the bigger questions.
George Sr.: Okay. Well, here's why. Your Dad had a real good coaching job and I saw some grown-ups breaking rules.
Sheldon: What'd they do?
George Sr.: I-It's kind of complicated, but football coaches aren't allowed to recruit kids from other high schools to play on their teams.
Sheldon: And you told on them?
George Sr.: Yeah. You know what happened?
Sheldon: Justice descended on the rule breakers?

Sheldon: Greetings from stall number one. As much as I detest that odd-smelling cigarette, I do applaud your rule-breaking bravado. My name is Sheldon. What's yours?

Sheldon: I've been giving geology some more thought.
Tam: Yeah, and?
Sheldon: I've decided it's not really a science.
Tam: It's not?
Sheldon: No, it's more like a hobby. Rock collecting. Childish, really.
Tam: I can see that.

Sheldon: I'm not going to be assaulted. High school is a haven for higher learning.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

Sheldon: Why do you keep smiling?
Mary: You need to look at your mask, baby.
Sheldon: Missy!

Sheldon: When does the truck bring the papers?
George Jr.: When it does.
Sheldon: That's a tautology.
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: A tautology. A statement that's true, but uninformative. Hey, you're supposed to be the one teaching me. That's funny.

Mary: I was just letting you know that if you were having any problems you could come to me with them.
Sheldon: You think I have mental problems?
Mary: Well, not problems. I'm just worried about your future, and when I see you moving subatomic particles around in the air, that makes-
Sheldon: Subatomic particles are real! You talk to an invisible man in the sky who grants wishes. If anyone's mental, it's you.