George Jr.: Who buys this crap?
Meemaw: Me, after three beers. I mean, look at this damn thing. What was I thinking? [chuckles]

Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: No, everything is terrible.
Meemaw: Oh. That sounds like a job for cookies.

Meemaw: They ever leave the store together?
George Jr.: Can I please just go to bed?
Meemaw: Just answer the damn question.
George Jr.: I feel like I'm gonna get fired for this.
Meemaw: Georgie, don't worry. Anything you say is gonna stay right here.
George Jr.: But you lie all the time. I learned to lie from you.
Meemaw: See what a special bond we have? Now answer the damn question!

Mary: Guess who is getting a divorce.
Meemaw: About time. Congrats.

Meemaw: Her daughter got kicked by a horse. They had to pin a couple of bones together.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, my.
Meemaw: She won't be stealing any more horses for a little while.

Mary: Maybe it's me. Maybe I did something to upset him.
Meemaw: What are you talking about? He loves you like crazy. Much more than he loves this one.
George Sr.: It's true.

Meemaw: But listen, if you've just come over here to badger me, please don't.
Mary: Fine. I brought you fried chicken from the carnival.
Meemaw: I don't need your pity chicken.
Mary: Look, I know you're having a tough time.
Meemaw: I'm fine.
Mary: Okay. Does that mean you'll still take Sheldon to Dr. Sturgis's class?
Meemaw: No. But I'm fine.
Mary: So you won't mind if I take him?
Meemaw: Do whatever you want.
Mary: See, when you say it like that, it sounds like you might mind.
Meemaw: How about this? Darling daughter, please, do whatever it is that makes you happy.
Mary: If you're gonna act like this, then I'm gonna leave.
Meemaw: Oh, no. And after I didn't open the door for you? Hey, wait. Get me a beer.
Mary: No.
Meemaw: Well, at least get me some chicken!

Mary: Oh, Mom, Pastor Jeff is gonna be spending the night. If the kids could sleep at your place?
Meemaw: No. Bye.

Mary: He just took the ticket and stormed off. I don't know why he cares so much about a dishwasher.
Meemaw: Maybe it ain't about the dishwasher.
Mary: Well, what is it, then?
Meemaw: Mary, I love you, but sometimes it's kind of like you're waging a war on fun.
Mary: Why? Because I have values? Well, too bad because they're not going away.
Meemaw: Oh, and fun is down for the count.

Meemaw: Anyway, the point is, you don't can't go throwing gasoline on the fire.
Mary: Well, they started this fire, and now, they're gonna get burned.
Meemaw: I believe you've had enough coffee.

George Sr.: No more coffee?
Meemaw: Last cup.
George Sr.: Well, you mind making more?
Meemaw: I just sat down.
George Sr.: But you finished the pot.
Meemaw: George, if I wanted to make a cup of coffee, I'd have stayed at my house. Mmm.
George Sr.: One day I'm gonna put you in a home, and I'm gonna smile just like that.
Meemaw: That's fine. By then I won't know who you are anyway.

Meemaw: What do you two want?
Mr. Lundy: What we want is to make you rich.
Meemaw: Oh, God.

George Sr.: Do I have to?
Meemaw: You want to add grandkids to this mess?
George Sr.: God, no.

Mary: It's not like I don't want to be fun, but I feel like I am the only one holding the family together.
Meemaw: Mary, can I point out that you weren't exactly like this when y'all got married?
Mary: So? I'm not allowed to grow?
Meemaw: Apart? Okay.

Mary: You're coming with us, right?
Meemaw: No, I'm not.
Mary: Come on, it'll be fun.
George Sr.: The old lady wants to be cranky and alone. You got to respect that.
Meemaw: I'm not cranky. And I'm sick of everybody thinking that they know what's best for me.

Meemaw: George. Why are you not in that bedroom?
George Sr.: Well, I'm just thinking of what to say.
Meemaw: They're teenagers. If you wait any longer, they'll be done.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna grab a beer.
Meemaw: George!

Meemaw: You seem to be interested in this alternative universe thing. Maybe that's something you could work on.
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe there's another universe where I'm already doing that.
Meemaw: Sure, but maybe you could do it in both. [chuckles]
Dr. John Sturgis: What are you getting at?
Meemaw: Just that instead of wasting your time bagging groceries, you could be working on something worthwhile.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing wrong with me trying something new.
Meemaw: But you've got a PhD. You're the smartest person here.
Sheldon: Well...
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I'm happy doing what I'm doing right now.
Meemaw: I don't believe that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. You know more about how I should live my life than I do?
Meemaw: Yeah, maybe.
Dr. John Sturgis: May I speak with you outside?

Meemaw: You still dating that young guy?
June: Justin? Oh, yeah. It wasn't just to bug Dale. He's hot. And he doesn't eat dinner at 5:00.
Meemaw: Dale and I once ate dinner at 3:30. I still think it was lunch. [June laughs]

Jake: I've heard that in cash businesses such as this, that some owners can benefit by having a strong relationship with their local police department.
Meemaw: What are you getting at?
Jake: I'm just wondering if there's something you can do to incur good will.
Meemaw: Are you shaking me down?
Jake: No.
Meemaw: Are you hitting on me?
Jake: No! Uh... I'm just saying I've heard some business owners like to invest in local law enforcement.
Meemaw: You are shaking me down.
Jake: It's a gray area.

Meemaw: All right, let's tell her.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Meemaw: But first I'm gonna tell her what you did at the picnic. Oh, Mary!
George Sr.: Okay, okay, shh. [SIGHS] I don't know how much longer we can keep this going.
Meemaw: I'm willing to find out.