Mary: It's not funny.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, now. Sheldon in detention? That's funny.

Meemaw: Just when you think he's gonna zig, you get a big old zag.

Mary: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.

[Sheldon is throwing laundry in the dryer]
Mary: What am I supposed to do with this?
Meemaw: Send him over to my house before he runs out of gas.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Now, let's talk about this hula girl lamp. What's your best price?
Meemaw: It's my gift to you.
George Jr.: Nice haggle.
Meemaw: Nice mullet.

Meemaw: What do you think? I won it bowling. It was either that or a Crock-Pot, and I already got three of those, so I thought I'd surprise you.
Sheldon: No, thank you. Video games are for children.
Meemaw: Sheldon, you are a child. I just blew the hot off your SpaghettiOs.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Meemaw, I just don't think it's a very productive use of my time.
Meemaw: You're a man of science. Aren't you interested in doing a little research here?

Meemaw: Would you like to fight the last boss?
Sheldon: You think I'm ready?
Meemaw: We couldn't have gotten here without you.
Sheldon: Well, except for the part you did when I was sleeping.
Meemaw: We're having a moment here. Don't ruin it.

Meemaw: Excuse me.
Mary: Where are you going?
Meemaw: I'm gonna go put up an American flag in front of my house.

Meemaw: [singing] From the mountains, To the prairies, To the oceans white with foam, God bless America, Our home sweet home-
Man: Pinko!
Meemaw: Screw you! [singing] God bless America!

Sheldon: Mom, I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12% compared to last quarter. Any idea why?
George Sr.: There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.
Meemaw: There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.

Sheldon: I wonder if we'll get to meet an astronaut.
Meemaw: I remember when I was a teenager, I had the biggest crush on John Glenn. I would've given it up for him no problem.
Mary: Mom.
Missy: Given what up?
Mary: Her allowance. Just eat.

Meemaw: [singing] You're a grand old flag, You're a high-flying flag, And forever in peace may you wave, You're the emblem of the land I love, The home of the free.

Meemaw: [singing] Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner, Yet wave-

Sheldon: Okay, here's the plan. End your relationship with Coach Ballard, date Dr. Sturgis again, get him to love you more than ever, then when he least expects it, break his heart and say, "That's for Sheldon."
Meemaw: Great plan.
Sheldon: You think so?
Meemaw: For the sake of this car ride, sure.

Meemaw: Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera. Don't catch him till I get back.

Brenda Sparks: Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be inferring there's something wrong with my Billy.
Meemaw: Darlin', there's no inferring. I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt eating his own belly button lint.

Meemaw: You're not gonna get much out of Fred and Wilma here. Why don't you just get crackin' on the kids?

Mary: I don't want my little boy in some car with a teenager behind the wheel.
George Sr.: All high school kids drive.
Mary: Yeah? Well, I don't like it. Would you let me get in a car with a stranger when I was young?
Meemaw: Well, nobody ever asked you out, so it didn't really matter.

Meemaw: So I saw a lawyer today.
Mary: Why?
Meemaw: I'm putting together my last will and testament.
George Sr.: We're gonna miss ya.
Mary: George.
Meemaw: Don't worry. I ain't leaving him squat.

George Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
George Jr.: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid. He tucks in those shirts.