‘Funeral’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

  • Funeral

    713. Funeral

    May 16, 2024

    The Cooper family mourns the loss of their patriach, George, after his sudden death.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I know this is hard for everyone. It's certainly hard for me. But no one... is more upset with George's passing than the Lone Star Beer company. That flag is at half-mast. [laughter] On the other hand, there's a lot of cows out there that are breathing a sigh of relief. As the king of brisket has put down his fork and ridden off into the sunset. [laughter] And, uh, I'll tell you something...
Missy: Why are they laughing at Dad?
Georgie: 'Cause they love him.
Meemaw: ...that I always kind of kept to myself, but... I wasn't always a big supporter of George and Mary being an item. As a matter of fact, whenever he came to visit, I would always invite Mary's slutty friend Janice over, hoping to catch his interest. [laughter] Hey, Janice. Thanks for coming. You're a doll. [Dale looks back] Anyway... George only had eyes for Mary. And of course brisket. [laughter] And over the years, he surely earned my respect. He was a good man. [voice breaking] And I will always be proud... to call him my son.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Before our final prayer, would anyone else like to say a few words?
Mary: Missy? [Missy shakes her head] Shelly?
[Sheldon stands up and walks up to the microphone]
Sheldon: I've been thinking a lot about the last moments I had with my dad. It was morning, and he was leaving for work. He said, "See y'all later." And I said nothing. I regret that. I could have said "bye" or asked him for a ride. Or told him that I loved him. But I didn't. I barely noticed he left. So many times that I didn't notice my father. I hope he knew how much I loved him.
Adult Sheldon: I wish I could tell you I said all those things. But I didn't.
Mary: Shelly? [Sheldon shakes his head] [Mary shakes her head to Pastor Jeff]
Pastor Jeff: Let's bow our heads in prayer.
All: Our Father, who is in heaven, hallowed be Your name...
Adult Sheldon: For a long time, I focused on my father's shortcomings. Now that I'm his age and have kids of my own, I realize he was just a person doing the best he could, and he did a lot. I didn't say it at his funeral, but I can say it now. I loved my father. I will miss him forever.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [enters] That's my spot.
Dale: Oh, sorry. [moves over] Here, have a seat.
Sheldon: I don't want to sit there, that's just my spot.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: And now George's loving wife Mary would like to say a few words. Mary.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. Um... [clears throat] I met George in high school. Well, I was in high school. He was an older man with a motorcycle. [light laughter] I'd like to tell you he caught my eye, but actually it was the motorcycle. [laughter] [voice breaking] I'm sorry, I can't... do this. I am... so angry. [sighs] George and I had our ups and downs, but we were finally in such a good place, and then he... left. [crying] He left all of us. I- How could you do that? [Meemaw stands up] I am so mad at him. I'm mad at God, I'm mad at myself for not trying harder while he was here. [Meemaw goes up to Mary] This wasn't supposed to happen. [Mary sobs] [Meemaw hugs Mary] [Georgie hugs a crying Missy]

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: And listen, if you can't think of anything complimentary to say, just make stuff up. Nobody's gonna call you on it.
Mary: Sheldon will.
Meemaw: Yeah. Sheldon will. [laughs]

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Mr. Givens: How'd you know George?
Brenda Sparks: Next-door neighbor.
Mr. Givens: Oh. So, you knew him well?
Brenda Sparks: A little. How about you?
Mr. Givens: I taught Sheldon science.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Givens: Thank you.
Brenda Sparks: I'm single.
Mr. Givens: Same.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Missy, if you want a minute with Dad before they close the casket, now's the time. [Missy looks unsure] It's okay if you don't.
Mary: I have to. [Missy stands up and walks up to her father's casket]
[flashback:]
George: Here, let me help you with that. Okay.
Missy: [eats] Holy moly.
George: It's good, huh?
Missy: Unbelievable.
George: I'll leave you to it.
Missy: No, sit with me.
George: Okay.
[present:]
Missy: [crying] Thank you for that. Thank you for everything. [sniffles] I love you.

Quote from Mary

Mary: You really didn't want to take that family portrait, did you? [kisses her hand and places it on George's forehead] See you later.

Quote from George Jr.

Georgie: When I quit the football team, I thought my dad was gonna kill me. And then, when I quit high school, I really thought he was gonna kill me. Then, when I got my girlfriend pregnant... I was sure he was gonna kill me. But as you can see, he didn't. No matter what I did, he always had my back. I love you, Dad.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I wasn't always as emotionally intelligent as I am today. For example, when my father died, I was flummoxed by all the different ways people expressed grief. My mother threw herself into religion. My meemaw turned to a different kind of spirit. My brother tried to fill the vacuum created by my father's passing.
Georgie: $3,500? You do realize we're talking about the beloved head coach of a winning football team? There's an argument...
Adult Sheldon: And then there's all the friends and neighbors who expressed their grief with food.
[montage:]
Brenda Sparks: I made you a casserole.
June: I made you a casserole.
Audrey: I made you a casserole.
Peg: I bought you a casserole.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: And of course, I thought about Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan...
Spock: I have been, and always shall be, your friend.
Adult Sheldon: ...and how upset I was over the death of Spock.
Spock: Live long... and prosper.
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Thinking about Star Trek.
Missy: What is wrong with you? Our dad just died.
Adult Sheldon: And some people express their grief by lashing out.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: Anyway, you want to read me what you got?
Mary: [exhales] Uh... [sighs] "George was a good husband, a good father and a good coach."
Meemaw: Keep going.
Mary: No, that's all I got.
Meemaw: Oh. Short and sweet. Leave 'em wanting more.
Mary: I don't know how to do this.
Meemaw: Oh, honey, why would you?

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: How did you get through Dad's funeral?
Meemaw: You're gonna think less of me.
Mary: I won't.
Meemaw: I drank tequila and smoked a marijuana cigarette.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Don't knock it till you try it.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [sighs] I'll have you know that I took a couple of puffs my senior year of high school.
Meemaw: The devil's lettuce?!
Mary: George gave it to me.
Meemaw: I knew he was a bad influence. [chuckles]
Mary: It was the night before he shipped out to Vietnam. And we snuck into my bedroom and we...
you know.
Meemaw: Mary Tucker.
Mary: [laughs] I wanted to make sure he knew what he was fighting for.
Meemaw: See, that's a story you should tell at the service.
Mary: In my church, in front of my children?
Meemaw: It's patriotic.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: Aren't y'all sweet to come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course. I saw Sheldon the other day. He wouldn't speak to me. Is he okay?
Mary: He's not really talking to anybody.
Dr. Linkletter: We'll keep him company.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll, uh, try to distract him by telling him the latest news about leptons.
Meemaw: He'll like that. He's crazy about the leptons.
Dr. John Sturgis: Who isn't?

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