Mary Quotes
Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips
Mary: When I was younger, I used to love making my own clothes.
June: Mm-hmm.
Mary: I always thought I'd do something with that. Maybe I should get back to it.
June: You definitely should.
Mary: Okay.
June: Okay. So, what are we thinking?
Mary: Actually, I don't think I need a haircut anymore. Thank you so much.
June: Oh, my pleasure. [chuckles] I got to start charging by the hour.
Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips
Mary: Maybe this is a bad idea. I should come back.
June: No, no, no, no. Come on, you're already here. Either way, there's nothing wrong in a little change.
Mary: Okay. Uh... What do you think I should do?
June: Well, when you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see?
Mary: I see a mom and... a wife.
June: Okay, that's the hair you already got. Who do you want to see?
Mary: Oh, um...
June: Maybe we start with the nails.
Mary: That's a great idea.
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Mary: So, then, was there no big blowup when he left?
Brenda Sparks: Not really.
Mary: Well, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Let's see... We used to be happy. Little by little, we weren't. Then there was bickering, then there was silence, and then... it was over.
Mary: I mean... all couples bicker, right?
Meemaw: You worried about you and George?
Mary: Of course.
Brenda Sparks: I'm sure you guys will be fine.
Meemaw: And if it doesn't work out, I'd be happy to introduce you to Butt Crack Bob over here. [laughs]
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Mary: Here we go.
Brenda Sparks: Is that three beers I see?
Mary: It's girls' night out and I said I was gonna show you a good time.
Meemaw: All right, then, party girl, give us a toast.
Mary: Oh, um, well, uh... Bless these beers and the bartender who poured them.
Meemaw: Seriously?
Mary: I thought it was good.
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Mary: [on the phone] Listen, I appreciate that you value Sheldon at your school.
President Hagemeyer: Love him.
Mary: But I am trying to raise him to be a well-rounded individual who will get in a car.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Academia draws all kinds of eccentrics. Yeah, we've got a biology professor who hasn't cut his nails in years. Ugh. Looks like Edward Scissorhands.
Mary: That is not what I want for my son. [sighs] Do you have children?
President Hagemeyer: No, but thanks for bringing it up.
Mary: Anyway, I would like Sheldon to function in society, and it does not help if you give him everything that he asks for.
President Hagemeyer: I'm just doing my job.
Mary: And I am just doing mine.
President Hagemeyer: Understood.
Mary: Thank you.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, and, um, in a few minutes, my assistant is gonna be dropping off a big old basket of Star Trek tapes. [chuckles] I'm afraid it's too late for me to pump the brakes on that one.
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Mary: [answers phone] First Baptist of Medford. How may I bless you?
Meemaw: I thought Peg answered the phones.
Mary: Mom?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: Something I can help you with?
Meemaw: No, it can wait.
Mary: You want the number to the shuttle, don't you?
Meemaw: [sighs] Yes.
Mary: Let me get that for you. Huh. Um, looking under "G" for "geezer bus," and it's not there.
Meemaw: Oh, that's hilarious.
Mary: Maybe it's under "O" for "old fogies."
Meemaw: You know, you're not being a very Christian person right now.
Mary: I have enough prayers in the bank, I can coast for a day.
Meemaw: Just give me the number!
Mary: All right. Now, remember when you call to let them know if you need any help getting up stairs.
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Mary: What's going on?
Sheldon: I can't do it.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: What if there's another crash?
Mary: Baby, that's not gonna happen again.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Mary: Sheldon, if you don't get in right now, you're going to miss school.
Sheldon: [sighs] True. [enters car]
Mary: I know you don't believe in it, but I'm gonna say an extra special prayer right now to keep us safe. Lord, please look after me and Sheldon on our drive to school... [door opens] [sighs] I'll get back to you.
Quote from the episode A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science
Brenda Sparks: What now?
Mary: I feel like I might've overstepped my bounds last night, so I just wanted to bring you these and apologize.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you.
Mary: And I did mean it. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Brenda Sparks: Appreciate it.
Mary: Okay. [starts to walk off]
Brenda Sparks: It's more than Billy. Herschel moved out.
Mary: Oh, Brenda, I'm so sorry.
Brenda Sparks: Do you want to come in?
Mary: Of course.
Quote from the episode A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science
Brenda Sparks: [answers phone] Hello?
Mary: Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Hey.
Mary: Hi. I was just checking in, seeing how you're doing.
Brenda Sparks: How am I doing about what?
Mary: Well, I heard that Billy might be having a tough time at school.
Brenda Sparks: Well, you know what, he'll be fine, so thanks for calling.
Mary: Okay. Um, if there's anything I can do, or if you ever want to talk...?
Brenda Sparks: Good to know. Anything else?
Mary: Uh, no, that was it.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. Bye. [hangs up]
Quote from the episode An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
George Sr.: Oh, come on. You're making it out like they were some kind of monsters. Sheldon has his own room. There's books everywhere. Even has a big old backyard he won't play in.
Mary: Aren't you forgetting somethin'?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: The underground laboratory.
George Sr.: I think it's called a finished basement, honey.
Mary: I know what I saw.
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
Mary: Hey, guys, I brought snacks.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?
Sheldon: Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.
Mary: Oh.
Sheldon: We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.
Mary: And is this the devil?
Tam: No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.
Mary: Oh, I see. Yes, oh, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he? Okay, well You kids have fun.
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
Mary: Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary: What's this, now?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Mary: If you want, I can ask Missy to hang out with him, make sure things go okay.
Brenda Sparks: Absolutely not.
Mary: Why?
Brenda Sparks: That girl is cute and sassy, and has a real chance at being popular. Do not take that from her. Or me.
Mary: Popularity isn't that important.
Brenda Sparks: It is the most important. Look at us. I'm miserable. You're always worried about something. I'd like one girl around here to win.
Mary: I'm not always worried.
Brenda Sparks: It's Sheldon's first day of college, and you're not freaking out?
Mary: It's on my mind.
Brenda Sparks: Mm.
Mary: But he's been looking forward to this for a long time. I'm sure he's having a wonderful day.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And with school starting tomorrow, please watch over our children.
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff already covered this.
Mary: He did?
Missy: Yeah, we're good. Amen.
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Clarissa: You have kids?
Mary: Three.
Clarissa: You look amazing!
Mary: Oh...
Sam: Two of 'em are twins.
Mary: I don't want to brag, but natural birth.
Jason: Whoa.
Mary: I love college. [laughs]
Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
Mary: I noticed that there are no baseball trophies with girls on them.
Ralph: Girls don't play baseball.
Mary: Actually, my daughter does.
Ralph: Oh. Good for her.
Mary: And some of the girls might like a trophy with a girl on it.
Ralph: Well, then they'll be very disappointed.
Mary: You know what? I'm gonna take my business elsewhere.
Ralph: Oh, no.
Mary: And you should win a trophy for being such a sourpuss!
Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
Mary: Look, the only girl trophies are for cheerleading, soccer and golf.
George Sr.: So buy Missy a golf trophy and tell her it's a skinny bat.
Mary: George. That poor girl has been watching her brother win awards since he was three years old. I'd like for her first one to be special.
George Sr.: 'Cause you think it may also be her last one?
Mary: I didn't say that.
George Sr.: But you thought it.
Mary: [sighs] Yeah.
Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
Mary: Hello. Remember me?
Ralph: Ah, I thought you were gonna take your business elsewhere.
Mary: Well, lucky for you, I believe in second chances. Now, I know that you don't have girl baseball trophies in stock, but could you have one made special?
Ralph: Sure.
Mary: Great.
Ralph: A custom mold is 50 bucks, and it takes six weeks.
Mary: I'm not paying you $50 for a trophy. And I don't have six weeks.
Ralph: Well, does your daughter look like a horse? Maybe she'd like this.
Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
Mary: Morning. I need to order some baseball trophies.
Ralph: Baseball's over there.
Mary: So many choices.
Ralph: Mm-hmm.
Mary: You should win a trophy for the most trophies.
Ralph: Mm. [clears throat]
Mary: [quietly] Maybe not the trophy for customer service.
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