Mary: I was just letting you know that if you were having any problems you could come to me with them.
Sheldon: You think I have mental problems?
Mary: Well, not problems. I'm just worried about your future, and when I see you moving subatomic particles around in the air, that makes-
Sheldon: Subatomic particles are real! You talk to an invisible man in the sky who grants wishes. If anyone's mental, it's you.

Sheldon: Georgie, why are there bathing suit ladies where Captain Picard should be? Georgie!

Sheldon: Are you still interested in getting rich quick?
Georgie: No, I want to do it slow like a chump.
Sheldon: Oh. Never mind.

Sheldon: So none of you can help me?
Albert Einstein: I believe I can. Sheldon, if I was offered a choice between all the knowledge of the universe or the endless pursuit of it, I would choose the pursuit.
Sheldon: That's very insightful.
Richard Feynman: Hold it, hold it... He didn't come up with that! He stole it from Gotthold Lessing.
Professor Proton: Who's-who's Gotthold Lessing?
Cyndi Lauper: [v.o.] He's an 18th century German philosopher. Now do you mind? We girls are trying to have some fun over here.
Einstein: Apologies.
Richard Feynman: Sorry, Cyndi Lauper.
Stephen Hawking: Our bad.
Professor Proton: I-I like fun.

Sheldon: Go get me a beer, woman.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: It infuriates my mom when my dad says it.
Paige: Sheldon, stop. You can't upset me.
Sheldon: Why not?
Paige: Because there are things in my life that are way worse than anything that you can come up with.
Sheldon: You mean your parents splitting up.
Paige: Obviously.
Sheldon: I think I know how to irritate you. I bet you think the divorce is all your fault and now your family is torn apart forever. Did I do it? Did I get under your skin? [Paige clenches her first]

Sheldon: Hello, Niblingo. Little nibling.
Mandy: What is it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was hoping I could try to calm your baby down.
Mandy: Why?
Sheldon: I'm trying new things to build up a tolerance for setbacks and frustration.
Mandy: So you want to use my child for some kind of experiment?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mandy: Okay, here you go.

[fantasy:]
George: See y'all later.
Mary: 4:00.
Sheldon: Dad, wait.
George: Yeah?
Sheldon: I love you.
George: I love you, too, son.

Mary: Are you gonna go, too? I know you don't believe.
Sheldon: I don't. But I believe in you.
Mary: Thank you.

Sheldon: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Tam: You're not?
Sheldon: I was touched 82 times this afternoon.
Tam: What do you mean, "touched"?
Sheldon: Not inappropriately. Joyfully. Affectionately. A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.
Tam: That's amazing. [goes to high five Sheldon]
Sheldon: No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.

Sheldon: Greetings from stall number one. As much as I detest that odd-smelling cigarette, I do applaud your rule-breaking bravado. My name is Sheldon. What's yours?

Sheldon: I've been giving geology some more thought.
Tam: Yeah, and?
Sheldon: I've decided it's not really a science.
Tam: It's not?
Sheldon: No, it's more like a hobby. Rock collecting. Childish, really.
Tam: I can see that.

Ms. Hutchins: Aw, honey, you having a hard time adjusting to high school?
Sheldon: I'm having a hard time adjusting to Earth.

Sheldon: I'm not going to be assaulted. High school is a haven for higher learning.
George: Oh, dear God.

Ms. Hutchins: Hey there, Sheldon. What can I get for you today? Chemistry? Quantum mechanics? Astronomy?
Sheldon: No, nothing fun today. I need to learn how to make a friend.

Sheldon: I'm done.
Mary: You finished it?
Sheldon: All of it. Ask me which birds are kosher.
George: I'll bite. Which birds are kosher?
Sheldon: Chickens, yes. Quail, yes. Owls, surprisingly no.
George: Well, there ain't a lot of meat on them anyway.