Missy: Sheldon, there has to be stuff you're excited to do.
Sheldon: Of course. Getting my PhD, winning the Nobel Prize, getting to meet Professor Proton, working with Stephen Hawking.
Missy: Okay, so, when you start to get upset, focus on that stuff.
Sheldon: But... what if I grow up and none of those things ever happen?
Missy: All you can do is try and find out.
Sheldon: Those are the fundamentals of the scientific method.
Missy: No doy.

Sheldon: Meemaw's in jail?
Mary: Uh... No.
George: Forget about it.
Sheldon: Forget about it? Do I need to remind you I remember my birth?
George: [grunts] Go to your room.
Sheldon: That was a rough day.
Mary: Rough day for me.

Missy: Freeze, dirtbag.
Mandy: Who are you?
Sheldon: No, no, we have the moral high ground here.
Missy: Yeah. Who are you?
Mandy: I'm a friend of the lady that lives here. I'm worried about her.
Sheldon: That's no lady. That's our meemaw.

Sheldon: Who are you talking to?
Mary: [exhales sharply] God.
Sheldon: To yourself. Got it. And you think, like Job, God is testing your faith?
Mary: [scoffs] Sure would explain all the bad things that have been happening.
Sheldon: So believing in a god who's going out of his way to ruin your life is more comforting than believing there's no God at all?
Mary: Isn't it past your bedtime?
Sheldon: I know. Good night.
Mary: Wait. Where's your sister?
Sheldon: At Meemaw's, talking to Mandy.
Mary: What? Why?
Sheldon: Can we table this for tomorrow? I'm running on fumes.

Sheldon: This isn't where we sit.
Mary: It's all right.
Sheldon: All right? This is nowhere near the acoustic sweet spot.
Missy: Shush.
Sheldon: And I'm sitting behind what may be the largest man in Texas.
Missy: Shh!
[The man turns around to look at Sheldon]

Pastor Jeff: Please give us the strength to reflect your abundant love out into the world.
[After Mary, Missy and Sheldon walk out of the church, Sheldon walks back in]
Pastor Jeff: Thank you for bringing us here today to join together in worship.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Am I the only one struck by the incredible hypocrisy of this sermon? You go on and on about loving one another and how God is love. But not when it comes to my mother and our family? And why? Because my brother impregnated a woman years 11 older than him? Which one could argue was an act of love.
Mary: [enters] Sheldon.
Sheldon: At least on his part. She doesn't seem to care for him. Also, earlier, you said "Nebuh-kuh-nezzar."
Mary: Sheldon.
Sheldon: In Hebrew, it would be pronounced "Neboo-kha-nezzar." More in the back of the throat. Kha. Kha.
Mary: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Bye. Or in Hebrew, shalom. Which also means "hello." And "peace." Kha! Kha!

Missy: We could let people punch you for a buck.
Sheldon: No, all our profit would just go to medical expenses.

Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. I don't think I can do the assignment.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why not? Just pick either side of any ethical argument and present it.
Sheldon: But how do I know which argument to present?
Dr. John Sturgis: Any one you want.
Sheldon: And how do I know which side to take?
Dr. John Sturgis: Any side you want.
Sheldon: But I want to take the right side.
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe there is no right side.
Sheldon: [groans] This is torture, and that can't be ethical.
Dr. John Sturgis: There you go! You picked a subject. And a side.
Sheldon: Oh. Good. Torture is unethical. That's clearly the correct position.
Dr. John Sturgis: I agree. But what if there's a bomb hidden underneath the city and someone says that the only way to find out its location is through torture? Answer that.
Sheldon: Let's see. Batman plays by Gotham City rules and would use torture, but Superman's got those Midwest values. I hate ethics!

Sheldon: My mom accepts God as an act of faith, and zero is way more useful than God.
Billy Sparks: Do not say that around Pastor Jeff.
Sheldon: Think about it. Without zero, we wouldn't have calculus. Without God, we wouldn't have Spanish Inquisition.
Billy Sparks: I know the Spanish word for "fajita."
Sheldon: And don't forget... before the Big Bang, there was actually nothing.
Billy Sparks: It's "fajita."
Sheldon: So you could say the entire universe was born out of zero. Meaning that zero created the universe, not God.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Mom. It's your son, Sheldon.
Mary: Hello, my son, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I have an 8:00 a.m. class tomorrow, and I was wondering if I could spend the night in my dorm.
Mary: That's fine.
Sheldon: Now before you answer, hear me out. I have a list of reasons why this is a good idea. Number one...
Mary: Sheldon, I know that you're safe there. It's fine.
Sheldon: That's reason number four. Please don't skip ahead.
Mary: Honey, I trust you. Just go to bed at a reasonable hour and call if you need anything. Otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow.
Sheldon: Okay. Number one: I'm not...
Mary: Goodbye, Sheldon. [hangs up]
Sheldon: Who hangs up on a list?

Sheldon: I've compiled a list of reasons why I should be appointed the dormitory R.A. Number one...
President Hagemeyer: Fine. You're the R.A.
Sheldon: Okay. "Number one: I love rules... creating them, following them, and most fun of all, enforcing them."
President Hagemeyer: You're the R.A., Sheldon.
Sheldon: Excellent. "Number two... punishment for rule infractions must be both fair and merciless."

Mandy: Uh, what's your question?
Sheldon: Thanks, Niblingo. I've heard that pregnant women eat for two. Does that mean that you need two full-size portions?
Missy: I guess Dad's pregnant then.
Mandy: One portion should be fine, considering the baby's the size of a golf ball.
Sheldon: Actually, according to my calculations, the baby's the size of a bell pepper. Although I could be off. When was your last menstruation?
Mary: You do not need to answer that.
Mandy: I was not going to.

Missy: You know, twins run in our family.
Mandy: It's not twins.
Sheldon: That's too bad. It would double your chances of having a remarkable child. Like me.
Missy: Or a child that people like.
Mary: Just eat your dinner.

Sheldon: Did you know the modern baby shower has history that goes back to ancient Egyptian and Greek civilizations? [Sheldon points to himself] Remarkable.

Sheldon: That's Commander Data. He's an android, but he aspires to be human. Which, if you ask me, is a step in the wrong direction.