[As the rain pours down outside, Georgie finds Sheldon sitting on his bed holding a bucket]
Georgie: Hey, I brought some pizza home, come on.
Sheldon: Can't.
Georgie: Sheldon, there ain't no leaks.
Sheldon: There might be. I can't risk it.
Georgie: You want me to bring you a slice in here?
Sheldon: What about crumbs? Crumbs attract bugs. Bugs bring disease.

Sheldon: Since when is it Pancake Sunday?
Mary: Since today.
Sheldon: No, it's not. It's Kellogg's Bran Buds Sunday, like it's been for the past three years.
Mary: Well, I thought it would be fun. I'll- I'll make you any kind of pancake you want.
Sheldon: On Bran Buds Sunday?
Mary: Fine. I'll put Bran Buds in the pancakes.
Sheldon: That could work.
[cut to Mary watching Sheldon eat at the kitchen table:]
Sheldon: [mouth full] It doesn't work. [spits out food]

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: [wakes up] What is it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I know you had some questions about Star Trek, so I've compiled a detailed guide outlining all the shows, characters, and how they fit in a timeline.
Mary: Can we do this later? I've got a headache.
Sheldon: Unfortunately not. If we don't do it now, you'll be completely lost when we watch The Animated Series this afternoon.
Mary: Just 20 more minutes.
Sheldon: Mom, this is almost a hundred pages. We have to get started. In the 23rd century, alien races from around the galaxy have come together to form the United Federation of Planets, which is... open your eyes... Headquartered in San Francisco.

Sheldon: And now there's bunk beds in my room? It's like summer camp. Two words I loathe.

Paige: I have not had dinner yet, so we are going to go get some food.
Sheldon: We are?
Paige: Do you have cash?
Sheldon: Of course. I always have an emergency 20, plus four quarters for the telephone.
Paige: 21 bucks? Okay, you're buying.

Sheldon: Are you still inebriated, or can we have an intelligent conversation?
Paige: Both.
Sheldon: You do realize that alcohol kills brain cells.
Paige: Ah, but it also makes life tolerable.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Paige: Well, talking to you is usually annoying.
Sheldon: So you're what's called a mean drunk. Noted.

Sheldon: So I'm assuming you haven't taken the DARE pledge.
Paige: The what?
Sheldon: DARE. It's an acronym. It stands for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. It's not too late. You can take it now. I promise not to do drugs, to avoid violence, to be responsible, and to make responsible choices. Now you say it.
Paige: No.
Sheldon: I dare you. Clever, right? Because I still have all my brain cells.
Paige: Sheldon, just eat your pizza.

Sheldon: Mm, you know, Officer McDaniel was in charge of our DARE program. One time, he even brought in his drug-sniffing dog Alfie. Which I didn't care for, but it was nice to see a dog gainfully employed and off the streets.

Missy: Paige is drunk?
Sheldon: And high on what Officer McDaniel called Mary Jane, reefer and ganja.

Sheldon: All right, let's do this.
Mandy: Why are you wearing dish gloves?
Sheldon: To deliver the baby.
Mandy: That is not happening.
Sheldon: Good. Whew. Can I get a glass of water?
Mandy: Sheldon, I need to go to the hospital.
Sheldon: Well, I can't drive. I do have a bike, but you'll never fit in the wagon.

Sheldon: You know, in a way, you and I are having a very similar day.
Mandy: Really? How might that be?
Sheldon: I'm also bringing something new into the world. Although mine does not involve my privates being inspected my strangers.

Sheldon: Excuse me, does that computer have a modem?
Rhonda: A what?
Sheldon: A modem. It's how you access the World Wide Web.
Rhonda: The what?
Sheldon: It's when your computer wants to talk to another computer, and it goes... [imitates modem dialing]
Rhonda: You mean a fax machine.
Sheldon: It's like I'm from the future.

Sheldon: I don't understand. The code is perfect. It should have worked.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, the problem isn't that it didn't work, the problem is that nobody wanted to use it.
Sheldon: So, you're saying we didn't fail, the public failed us.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, we failed.
Sheldon: And you've also failed at cheering me up, so good job.
Dr. John Sturgis: Here's a thought. I've been toying around with this new plasma confinement idea. Why don't we work on that and, uh, take your mind off the database?
Sheldon: What if we fail at that, too? Then we'll have two failures back to back. I'll have to leave the country or grow a mustache, or leave the country until I can grow a mustache.

Sheldon: [sings] ♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty ♪ ♪ Little ball of fur ♪ ♪ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty ♪ ♪ Purr, purr, purr. ♪ [CeeCee stops crying]
Mandy: Are you freaking kidding me?
Sheldon: I'm not happy about it either.
[As Sheldon hands CeeCee back to Mandy and walks out, CeeCee starts crying again]
Mandy: No, no, no, no, no, no. ♪ Soft kitty, kitty, kitty. ♪ Sheldon, come back.

Sheldon: They saw each other a few weeks ago. Although Paige was quite inebriated.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: It means drunk.
George: We know what it means.
Sheldon: And Paige has run away from home before. If I was going on the lam, that's certainly who I'd contact. "Lam." What a fun word. I'm glad I got the chance to use it. Lam.