David: [on the phone] Okay, so what we're gonna need to do is wipe your hard drive clean and reinstall the operating system.
Sheldon: What about all my files?
David: Do you have everything backed up?
Sheldon: I back up my files every Thursday night. I call it Backup Thursdays. It's not the catchiest, but it sums up the situation.
David: Perfect. After we wipe your drive, you can restore it, and you'll be good as new.
Sheldon: Thank you so much.
David: No problem. So, start by turning the computer off and inserting the DOS disk.
Sheldon: Wait, what if I used the backup disk after the virus was already on the computer?
David: Oh. Uh, then I'm afraid it's corrupted, too.
Sheldon: But how do I get my files?
David: You don't.
Sheldon: But I have all my old papers on there, my parents' taxes.
David: I'm sorry.

Sheldon: Dad, something terrible happened.
George Sr.: What's the matter?
Sheldon: I lost all the files on my computer.
George Sr.: Oh, well, I'm sure you can get 'em back.
Sheldon: I can't, and It's all my fault.
George Sr.: All right, calm down.
Sheldon: I can't calm down. This is a disaster.
Billy Sparks: It'll be okay, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don't understand. They're gone. And they're gone forever. And no matter what I do, they're never coming back, so it won't be okay.
Adult Sheldon: I wish I could tell you I realized the cruel irony of what I had just said to Billy, and apologized. But I didn't.

Sheldon: But you don't need another child prodigy. You've already got me.
President Hagemeyer: And you have been... [scoffs] so great. Just imagine what it'd be like having two of you.
Sheldon: Well, why would you want two of me? I mean, I've heard even one of me is a lot to handle.
President Hagemeyer: Well, you're not afraid of a little competition, are you?
Sheldon: From Paige? Hardly. But I should warn you, she can be very difficult.
President Hagemeyer: Well, luckily I've had some practice with that lately.
Sheldon: And how do you handle it?
President Hagemeyer: Usually I, uh, play to their egos. You know, make them feel like the smartest person in the room.
Sheldon: And they fall for that?
President Hagemeyer: Well... [chuckles] not everyone's as smart as you, Sheldon.

Sheldon: So now I'm supposed to talk Paige into coming to my school.
Meemaw: Maybe it'll be nice to have somebody your own age to hang out with.
Sheldon: Sure, so the next time someone says, "Hey, look what the kid genius did," people will say, "Which one? There's so many."
Meemaw: I thought you and that little girl were friends.
Sheldon: Missy's her friend. I'm her rival.
Meemaw: Well, I think you're getting worked up about nothing. Maybe she won't even decide to come to this school.
Sheldon: Oh, I see where you're going. I should convince her it's a terrible school. That's brilliant.
Meemaw: That's not where I was going.
Sheldon: Too late, I'm already there.

Sheldon: There's the cafeteria. If you like tuna salad with hair in it. Over there is the quad. It's a nice place to relax, if you like getting hit in the head with Frisbees.
Paige: I know what you're doing.
Sheldon: No, you don't.
Paige: You have nothing to worry about. I don't want to come to this school. I'm just looking at it to make my mom happy since it's close to home.
Sheldon: Well, that's wonderful news.
Paige: Besides, I've got offers from way better universities.
Sheldon: What do you mean? What's wrong with this school?
Paige: It's fine. It's just nowhere near as good as Harvard or Columbia.
Sheldon: It is too.
Paige: If you like a substandard science department and hair in your tuna.

Sheldon: She said she doesn't even want to come to this university.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I hope you convinced her otherwise.
Sheldon: She said she'd rather go to Harvard or Columbia.
President Hagemeyer: [scoffs] T-Those are all perfectly fine schools, but we have a lot to offer here, too.
Sheldon: I told her that, but she said I was settling because I want to live close to my mommy.
President Hagemeyer: Well, that's ridiculous.
Sheldon: That's why I came here to tell on her.
President Hagemeyer: Well, the important thing is you're here and you're happy.
Sheldon: I thought I was, but why does Paige get to go to a better school than me?
President Hagemeyer: Hey, I know what'll solve your problem. Convince Paige to come here.
Sheldon: Yeah. Wait.

Sheldon: Ooh, maybe I'll transfer to the University of Zurich.
Missy: I thought you liked your school.
Sheldon: I did, until Paige ruined it.
Missy: Why do you care what she thinks?
Sheldon: I don't.
Missy: Sure sounds like you do.
Sheldon: I can't help it. She makes me crazy.
Missy: Then stop thinking about her.
Sheldon: I wish I could.

Paige: Look, Sheldon, you're not gonna convince me to come here. You're wasting your time.
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm afraid we have a bigger problem.
Paige: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm a scientist, and I have to follow the data wherever it leads, whether I like it or not.
Paige: Get to the point.
Sheldon: It seems I have a crush on you.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: I'm as surprised as you are. But I have all the symptoms according to both Dr. Sturgis and the editors of Sassy magazine.

Paige: Uh, Sheldon, I'm really glad that you told me this, 'cause... the truth is, I feel the same way about you.
Sheldon: You do?
Paige: I mean, I've been trying to hide it, but now I don't have to anymore. This is such a relief.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. This is new information. I had been operating under the assumption that my crush was unrequited.
Paige: Oh, it's requited, Sheldon. It's very requited.
Sheldon: Hmm. [Paige moves closer to Sheldon] What are you doing?
Paige: We have a crush on each other.
Sheldon: So?
Paige: Well, now we have to kiss.
Sheldon: We do?
Paige: I mean, it's where the data has led us.
Sheldon: I suppose.

Paige: Okay. Now close your eyes and pucker up. This might tickle.
[As Paige puts two fingers on Sheldon's lips, she pulls out a magic marker and draws a mustache on his face]
Sheldon: [muffled] What's happening? Are we kissing?
Paige: You bet. How was that?
Sheldon: I didn't feel anything romantic.
Paige: Hmm. Me, either.
Sheldon: I guess it wasn't a crush after all.
Paige: I guess not.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's a relief.
Paige: It is.
Adult Sheldon: I went to three classes before I figured it out. Good thing I look spiffy in a mustache.

President Hagemeyer: Why would I rehire him? He just caused a panic about the supercollider.
Sheldon: They say there's no such thing as bad publicity. That's a quote from P.T. Barnum.
President Hagemeyer: I don't care.
Sheldon: Do you care that the "P" stood for Phineas?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Then I won't tell you what the "T" stood for.
President Hagemeyer: Great.
Sheldon: Taylor.

Meemaw: Okay, here you go.
Sheldon: You're not baking them fresh?
Meemaw: Do you want me to bake or you want me to listen?
[Sheldon shrugs]
[cut to Meemaw mixing cookie dough]

George Jr.: [calls] Missy? Sheldon!
[As Georgie barges into the cabin, a startled Sheldon wakes up and falls off his crate. Missy is a woken and flings the lamp at the wall]
George Jr.: [gasps] What the hell?!
Missy: You scared me.
George Jr.: You scared me.
Sheldon: Everyone scared me.

Pastor Rob: Well, hey, y'all. I'm Pastor Rob. I'm, uh, guessing everyone knows what this is.
Missy: [raises hand] The Bible.
Pastor Rob: That's right. That's right. What else is it?
Billy Sparks: [raises hand] The word of God.
Pastor Rob: Excellent. Excellent. You know what else it is? [drops the Bible on the floor] It's just a book.
Sheldon: [whispers] I like him.
Pastor Rob: It's a good book. Got lot of great stories. Instructions on how to live life. But... [picks up the Bible] God is more than just a book. God is real. God is everywhere. And God loves you.
Sheldon: [whispers] He's losing me.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, I bounced around from job to job after college. Never really had a plan for what was next until one day, I felt the Lord call me to his service. [Missy raises her hand] Yes, Missy Cooper. Right?
Missy: How'd you know?
Pastor Rob: Let's see, Mary's your mother, Sheldon's your brother, and I hear you are one heck of a pitcher. I do my homework, y'all.
Sheldon: [whispers] Homework. He's winning me back.

Mary: He doesn't have to pay for food.
Sheldon: Meemaw does eat here for free.
George Sr.: That's a separate problem.

George Sr.: Well, you been busy.
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: You get this in here all by yourself?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: How?
Sheldon: Science.
George Sr.: Well, it looks good.
Sheldon: I know. Now trains will be the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: If I stir in the middle of the night, you know what I'll see?
George Sr.: Trains?
Sheldon: Trains.
George Sr.: Well... as long as you're happy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm happy. [pained smile]

Mary: So, you okay?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't I be okay?
Mary: Well, there's a lot of change going on. I know that's not your favorite.
Sheldon: Where is that railroad crossing?
Mary: Would you like to eat in here? I'll make you a plate.
Sheldon: I have to find that sign. It should be in this box. Where is it?

Sheldon: [enters] I can't find my railroad crossing sign.
George Jr.: Hey, how about knocking?
Sheldon: Sorry, I've never had to knock on that door before.
George Jr.: Well, now you do.
Sheldon: [grunts] I need the crossing sign for my train set. Have you seen it?
George Jr.: No, and I've got company coming soon.
Sheldon: Perfect. An extra set of eyes will be helpful.
George Jr.: It's a girl, and you need to get out of here.
Sheldon: I'm not leaving until I find it.
George Jr.: Is this really about some dumb sign, or is about you being scared to have a room to yourself?
Sheldon: That sign has been there for as long as I've had that railroad set. It may seem insignificant to you, but I need it. Everyone only cares about themselves. You're happy because you got the garage, Missy's happy because she has her own room, but no one cares about my problems.
George Jr.: I'll help you look.
Sheldon: Just forget it.

[fantasy:]
Conductor: Next stop, Medford.
Sheldon: That won't be necessary. Keep going.
Conductor: But, sir, your family's waiting to board.
Sheldon: I'm aware. Drive on.
Conductor: But, sir...
Sheldon: I don't need them. I'm fine on my own. Do not stop this train. [whistles blowing]