Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips

Paige: Look, Sheldon, you're not gonna convince me to come here. You're wasting your time.
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm afraid we have a bigger problem.
Paige: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm a scientist, and I have to follow the data wherever it leads, whether I like it or not.
Paige: Get to the point.
Sheldon: It seems I have a crush on you.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: I'm as surprised as you are. But I have all the symptoms according to both Dr. Sturgis and the editors of Sassy magazine.

Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips

Paige: Uh, Sheldon, I'm really glad that you told me this, 'cause... the truth is, I feel the same way about you.
Sheldon: You do?
Paige: I mean, I've been trying to hide it, but now I don't have to anymore. This is such a relief.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. This is new information. I had been operating under the assumption that my crush was unrequited.
Paige: Oh, it's requited, Sheldon. It's very requited.
Sheldon: Hmm. [Paige moves closer to Sheldon] What are you doing?
Paige: We have a crush on each other.
Sheldon: So?
Paige: Well, now we have to kiss.
Sheldon: We do?
Paige: I mean, it's where the data has led us.
Sheldon: I suppose.

Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips

Paige: Okay. Now close your eyes and pucker up. This might tickle.
[As Paige puts two fingers on Sheldon's lips, she pulls out a magic marker and draws a mustache on his face]
Sheldon: [muffled] What's happening? Are we kissing?
Paige: You bet. How was that?
Sheldon: I didn't feel anything romantic.
Paige: Hmm. Me, either.
Sheldon: I guess it wasn't a crush after all.
Paige: I guess not.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's a relief.
Paige: It is.
Adult Sheldon: I went to three classes before I figured it out. Good thing I look spiffy in a mustache.

Quote from the episode The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics

Meemaw: Okay, here you go.
Sheldon: You're not baking them fresh?
Meemaw: Do you want me to bake or you want me to listen?
[Sheldon shrugs]
[cut to Meemaw mixing cookie dough]

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

George Jr.: [calls] Missy? Sheldon!
[As Georgie barges into the cabin, a startled Sheldon wakes up and falls off his crate. Missy is a woken and flings the lamp at the wall]
George Jr.: [gasps] What the hell?!
Missy: You scared me.
George Jr.: You scared me.
Sheldon: Everyone scared me.

Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

Pastor Rob: Well, hey, y'all. I'm Pastor Rob. I'm, uh, guessing everyone knows what this is.
Missy: [raises hand] The Bible.
Pastor Rob: That's right. That's right. What else is it?
Billy Sparks: [raises hand] The word of God.
Pastor Rob: Excellent. Excellent. You know what else it is? [drops the Bible on the floor] It's just a book.
Sheldon: [whispers] I like him.
Pastor Rob: It's a good book. Got lot of great stories. Instructions on how to live life. But... [picks up the Bible] God is more than just a book. God is real. God is everywhere. And God loves you.
Sheldon: [whispers] He's losing me.

Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

Pastor Rob: Yeah, I bounced around from job to job after college. Never really had a plan for what was next until one day, I felt the Lord call me to his service. [Missy raises her hand] Yes, Missy Cooper. Right?
Missy: How'd you know?
Pastor Rob: Let's see, Mary's your mother, Sheldon's your brother, and I hear you are one heck of a pitcher. I do my homework, y'all.
Sheldon: [whispers] Homework. He's winning me back.

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

Mary: He doesn't have to pay for food.
Sheldon: Meemaw does eat here for free.
George Sr.: That's a separate problem.

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

George Sr.: Well, you been busy.
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: You get this in here all by yourself?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: How?
Sheldon: Science.
George Sr.: Well, it looks good.
Sheldon: I know. Now trains will be the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: If I stir in the middle of the night, you know what I'll see?
George Sr.: Trains?
Sheldon: Trains.
George Sr.: Well... as long as you're happy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm happy. [pained smile]

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

Mary: So, you okay?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't I be okay?
Mary: Well, there's a lot of change going on. I know that's not your favorite.
Sheldon: Where is that railroad crossing?
Mary: Would you like to eat in here? I'll make you a plate.
Sheldon: I have to find that sign. It should be in this box. Where is it?

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

Sheldon: [enters] I can't find my railroad crossing sign.
George Jr.: Hey, how about knocking?
Sheldon: Sorry, I've never had to knock on that door before.
George Jr.: Well, now you do.
Sheldon: [grunts] I need the crossing sign for my train set. Have you seen it?
George Jr.: No, and I've got company coming soon.
Sheldon: Perfect. An extra set of eyes will be helpful.
George Jr.: It's a girl, and you need to get out of here.
Sheldon: I'm not leaving until I find it.
George Jr.: Is this really about some dumb sign, or is about you being scared to have a room to yourself?
Sheldon: That sign has been there for as long as I've had that railroad set. It may seem insignificant to you, but I need it. Everyone only cares about themselves. You're happy because you got the garage, Missy's happy because she has her own room, but no one cares about my problems.
George Jr.: I'll help you look.
Sheldon: Just forget it.

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

[fantasy:]
Conductor: Next stop, Medford.
Sheldon: That won't be necessary. Keep going.
Conductor: But, sir, your family's waiting to board.
Sheldon: I'm aware. Drive on.
Conductor: But, sir...
Sheldon: I don't need them. I'm fine on my own. Do not stop this train. [whistles blowing]

Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

Missy: [to Pastor Rob] Are you allowed to have a girlfriend?
Sheldon: In the Baptist church, yes.
Pastor Rob: Pastor Jeff is married.
Sheldon: And was married before, so he's had two wives, but not at the same time, that's not allowed.
Pastor Rob: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: At least not anymore. In the Old Testament, Abraham had two, Jacob had four, and Solomon had 1,000, but those were largely for political alliances.
Pastor Rob: Fun fact: only 700 of those were wives. The other were concubines.
Sheldon: I wouldn't count on the Bible for facts, but that was fun.

Quote from the episode An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel

Sheldon: I finished my design assignment early.
Professor Boucher: I admire that initiative.
Sheldon: Thank you, I stayed up late to finish it. My normal bedtime is 2100 hours, but I was so excited to do it that I took a power nap in my Meemaw's back seat on the drive home. [slides document towards Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Uh, you'll need to do this again. It's wrong. [slides it back to Sheldon]
Sheldon: No, it's not. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Son, I'm giving you another chance before it's due.
Sheldon: Well, what's wrong with it?
Professor Boucher: That's your job to figure out.
Sheldon: I would argue that it's your job to teach me. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Let's see. [clears throat] To start, this bridge is in pieces.
Sheldon: What do you mean? [Boucher rips the document in two] Well, two can play at this game.
[Sheldon rips the document in two] [Boucher places the pieces in the trash can] Well, now they can't.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Sheldon: Excuse me, if I had an exposé that's going to rip the lid off this university's leadership and shine a light on its rotten core, who would I turn that in to?
Clark: You can give it to me.
Sheldon: I'd feel more comfortable giving it to someone who's less likely to roll it up and smoke it.
Clark: Well, I'm the editor, so it's me or nothing.
Sheldon: Very well. I'm handing you the scoop of a lifetime.
Clark: Okay.
Sheldon: As your people say, I think you'll dig it.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

President Hagemeyer: Not now, I'm on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh, are you talking to the grand chancellor? Who I know doesn't exist, just like your integrity.
President Hagemeyer: Uh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Sheldon: Don't believe her!

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Sheldon: I think I need to stop blindly trusting everything.
George Sr.: Hmm. Probably not a bad idea.
Sheldon: Thanks. I wish I could believe you.

Quote from the episode The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian

Bob Ross: [on TV] Little stand of evergreens that lives right in here.
Missy: I didn't know Richard Simmons can paint.
Sheldon: His name's Bob Ross. And he's oddly hypnotic.
Missy: You're gonna paint?
Sheldon: No, I just like watching him. I can't explain it, but his voice and demeanor are comforting, like a hot beverage.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Let's get crazy and, once again, just pull it out, just like we did the other one.
Missy: Yawn.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Barely touch, whisper. Just whisper-light. Let it go. Let it go. no pressure.

Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

Bobby: Hey. Did I just hear you say you have a dorm room you're letting people use?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm letting Sam use it to study.
Bobby: You think there's any chance my girlfriend and I could use it sometime?
Sheldon: You two study together?
Bobby: We'd like to. It's been a while.
Sheldon: Well, I use it during the day, so it's only available at night.
Bobby: Nights work for us.
Sheldon: Then it's all yours.
Bobby: [chuckles] Thanks, man.
Sheldon: And how does this make you feel about me? More positive, less positive, or neutral?
Bobby: Really, really positive.
Sheldon: Great. Tell a friend.
Bobby: All right.
Sheldon: I might have to draw up a schedule.

Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

Sheldon: It turns out it's easy to make people like you. You just have to give them things.
Sam: Wow. I think you've really discovered something here.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should publish before someone else stumbles onto it.
Bobby: Oh. Hey.
Sheldon: An all-nighter, huh?
Bobby: Oh, yeah. All night. Thank you.
Sheldon: Someone's gonna ace those midterms.
Bobby: Yeah, you know it.
Sheldon: My room has become quite the little study hall.
Sam: Yeah, they may not be... Uh, you know what, you're fine.