Sheldon Quotes
Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
Mary: So, you okay?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't I be okay?
Mary: Well, there's a lot of change going on. I know that's not your favorite.
Sheldon: Where is that railroad crossing?
Mary: Would you like to eat in here? I'll make you a plate.
Sheldon: I have to find that sign. It should be in this box. Where is it?
Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
Sheldon: [enters] I can't find my railroad crossing sign.
George Jr.: Hey, how about knocking?
Sheldon: Sorry, I've never had to knock on that door before.
George Jr.: Well, now you do.
Sheldon: [grunts] I need the crossing sign for my train set. Have you seen it?
George Jr.: No, and I've got company coming soon.
Sheldon: Perfect. An extra set of eyes will be helpful.
George Jr.: It's a girl, and you need to get out of here.
Sheldon: I'm not leaving until I find it.
George Jr.: Is this really about some dumb sign, or is about you being scared to have a room to yourself?
Sheldon: That sign has been there for as long as I've had that railroad set. It may seem insignificant to you, but I need it. Everyone only cares about themselves. You're happy because you got the garage, Missy's happy because she has her own room, but no one cares about my problems.
George Jr.: I'll help you look.
Sheldon: Just forget it.
Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
[fantasy:]
Conductor: Next stop, Medford.
Sheldon: That won't be necessary. Keep going.
Conductor: But, sir, your family's waiting to board.
Sheldon: I'm aware. Drive on.
Conductor: But, sir...
Sheldon: I don't need them. I'm fine on my own. Do not stop this train. [whistles blowing]
Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones
Missy: [to Pastor Rob] Are you allowed to have a girlfriend?
Sheldon: In the Baptist church, yes.
Pastor Rob: Pastor Jeff is married.
Sheldon: And was married before, so he's had two wives, but not at the same time, that's not allowed.
Pastor Rob: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: At least not anymore. In the Old Testament, Abraham had two, Jacob had four, and Solomon had 1,000, but those were largely for political alliances.
Pastor Rob: Fun fact: only 700 of those were wives. The other were concubines.
Sheldon: I wouldn't count on the Bible for facts, but that was fun.
Quote from the episode An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel
Sheldon: I finished my design assignment early.
Professor Boucher: I admire that initiative.
Sheldon: Thank you, I stayed up late to finish it. My normal bedtime is 2100 hours, but I was so excited to do it that I took a power nap in my Meemaw's back seat on the drive home. [slides document towards Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Uh, you'll need to do this again. It's wrong. [slides it back to Sheldon]
Sheldon: No, it's not. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Son, I'm giving you another chance before it's due.
Sheldon: Well, what's wrong with it?
Professor Boucher: That's your job to figure out.
Sheldon: I would argue that it's your job to teach me. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Let's see. [clears throat] To start, this bridge is in pieces.
Sheldon: What do you mean? [Boucher rips the document in two] Well, two can play at this game.
[Sheldon rips the document in two] [Boucher places the pieces in the trash can] Well, now they can't.
Quote from the episode An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel
Sheldon: And then he ripped up my paper right in front of me.
Mary: What is this man's problem?
Sheldon: I don't know. He didn't even use a ruler. He just ripped it up, willy-nilly.
Mary: Do you want me to call the school?
Sheldon: No, he was in the Army. I want him to think I'm tough.
Mary: Sure. Well, I'm sorry you had a bad day. How about a little trip to RadioShack?
Sheldon: RadioShack's not gonna make this better. It's also not gonna make it worse, so okay.
Mary: You got it.
Sheldon: Maybe he was just intimidated by my intelligence.
Mary: Or maybe he's an insecure bully taking out his frustrations on a little boy.
Sheldon: I like my version better where I'm intimidating and not a helpless child.
Mary: Okay, he's taking out his frustrations on a powerful and intimidating young man.
Sheldon: That works.
Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin
President Hagemeyer: Not now, I'm on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh, are you talking to the grand chancellor? Who I know doesn't exist, just like your integrity.
President Hagemeyer: Uh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Sheldon: Don't believe her!
Quote from the episode The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian
Bob Ross: [on TV] Little stand of evergreens that lives right in here.
Missy: I didn't know Richard Simmons can paint.
Sheldon: His name's Bob Ross. And he's oddly hypnotic.
Missy: You're gonna paint?
Sheldon: No, I just like watching him. I can't explain it, but his voice and demeanor are comforting, like a hot beverage.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Let's get crazy and, once again, just pull it out, just like we did the other one.
Missy: Yawn.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Barely touch, whisper. Just whisper-light. Let it go. Let it go. no pressure.
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
Bobby: Hey. Did I just hear you say you have a dorm room you're letting people use?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm letting Sam use it to study.
Bobby: You think there's any chance my girlfriend and I could use it sometime?
Sheldon: You two study together?
Bobby: We'd like to. It's been a while.
Sheldon: Well, I use it during the day, so it's only available at night.
Bobby: Nights work for us.
Sheldon: Then it's all yours.
Bobby: [chuckles] Thanks, man.
Sheldon: And how does this make you feel about me? More positive, less positive, or neutral?
Bobby: Really, really positive.
Sheldon: Great. Tell a friend.
Bobby: All right.
Sheldon: I might have to draw up a schedule.
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
Sheldon: It turns out it's easy to make people like you. You just have to give them things.
Sam: Wow. I think you've really discovered something here.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should publish before someone else stumbles onto it.
Bobby: Oh. Hey.
Sheldon: An all-nighter, huh?
Bobby: Oh, yeah. All night. Thank you.
Sheldon: Someone's gonna ace those midterms.
Bobby: Yeah, you know it.
Sheldon: My room has become quite the little study hall.
Sam: Yeah, they may not be... Uh, you know what, you're fine.
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
Sheldon: [picks up phone] Hi, Travis. Oh, Monday's no good. I can pencil you in for Wednesday. You got it. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Mary: Is that a friend from school?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Mary: Well, that's exciting.
Sheldon: And a little exhausting. I've been letting students use my dorm to study while I'm not there, and it's made me very popular.
Mary: It's nice that you're helping people out. [phone rings]
Sheldon: Yes, but who knew having friends involved so much scheduling?
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Sheldon: 22 minutes. This has to be a record.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Nathan: You going?
Sheldon: I'd like to. Are you?
Nathan: Yeah. I quit my job for the time off.
Sheldon: Wow.
Nathan: Well, my job search.
Sheldon: Hmm.
Nathan: You know, it hasn't been announced yet, but I hear there's a special guest appearance by David Gerrold.
Sheldon: He wrote the Star Trek episode "Trouble with Tribbles."
Nathan: Uh, no doy.
Sheldon: I just found my spring break.
Nathan: I'm not really looking for a job. I don't know why I lied.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Sheldon: [on the phone] And since we're both on spring break, I thought you might like to go with me.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I am the president of the university.
Sheldon: You're right. I should've asked you first. So is that a "yes"?
President Hagemeyer: No!
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Announcer: [on TV] Attention, science fiction and comic book fans, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday in Ballroom B of the Texarkana Holiday Inn, it's Texarkana-Con! That's right, Texarkana...
Captain Kirk: [on TV] Khan!
Announcer: Celebrity appearances, panel discussions, autograph alley, only at Texarkana...
Captain Kirk: Khan!
Announcer: Raffles, prizes, costume parade, Friday through Sunday at Texarkana...
Captain Kirk: Khan!
Announcer: William Shatner not appearing.
Sheldon: William Shatner may not be appearing, but Sheldon Cooper is.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Oscar: Uh, who are you?
Sheldon: I'm in the room next door.
Oscar: Oh, you're that smart kid.
Darren: Who is it?
Oscar: That smart kid.
Darren: Tell him to come in.
Oscar: Want to come in?
Sheldon: No, I'm here to complain.
Oscar: He's here to complain.
Darren: Then don't let him in.
Oscar: You can't come in.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Sheldon: I'm trying to study, and your loud music is very distracting.
Oscar: You mean the game?
Sheldon: "The game"? I'm not up on today's one-named pop stars.
Oscar: No. It's a video game.
Sheldon: You have video games?
Oscar: A bunch. You play?
Sheldon: My meemaw and I beat Quest of Adeera.
Oscar: Dude, this kid beat Adeera.
Darren: Well, tell him to come in.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Oscar: Watch out for the CyberToad.
Sheldon: What's a CyberToad?
Darren: The evil little robot frogs. Although they're only known as CyberToads in the west. In Japan they're known as...
Oscar: MechaGamas.
Darren: Can I finish my own thoughts, please?
Oscar: He's very sensitive.
Sheldon: I'm protective of my fun facts, too.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Darren: "You open the gate of the crypt, and you see two identical elven princesses." Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I... I don't feel so good.
Darren: What's going on?
Sheldon: My stomach hurts.
Abby: How much did you eat?
Sheldon: Well...
[montage of Sheldon drinking cans of root beer, eating chips and candy]
Darren: Dude.
Sheldon: I need to lie down. [groans] Oh, I don't want to throw up.
Darren: We don't want you to throw up.
Abby: If he throws up, I throw up.
Darren: Well, what should we do?
Abby: I don't know. Why are you asking me?
Darren: You're the closest to a mom here.
Abby: I don't know. Call his mom.
Sheldon: Oh, no, don't call my mom. She'll never let me do this again. [groans]
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Darren: Get him something to throw up in. Oscar grabs a bowl] No, not the Skittles.
Oscar: Here, here.
Darren: Here.
Sheldon: Next door there's an emergency Alka-Seltzer tablet in my bathroom medicine chest.
Oscar: You have a bathroom?
Abby: Why does he get a bathroom?
Darren: Go throw up in your own bathroom.
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