Sheldon: [on the phone] Yes, I'm still here.
Officer Robin: Sorry, no murders. Just one death from natural causes in 1948.
Sheldon: How can we be sure it wasn't foul play?
Officer Robin: The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's a lot of years to make enemies.
Officer Robin: Bye. [line clicks, dial tone sounds]

Sheldon: Mr. Lundy. Oh, what now? What happened with the open house after you had me kicked out? Were there any potential buyers? And if so, can I have their names so I can run a background check with my friends in blue?

Adult Sheldon: I was normally a rule follower, but one of the rules of spring break is to cut loose and break rules.
Sheldon: I'm heading out.
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To see my comic book friends.
George Sr.: Hmm. I'm leaving in a few. You want a ride?
Sheldon: No, I'm taking my bike.
Adult Sheldon: All the way to the bus station. [Sheldon smirks]
George Sr.: Something funny?
Sheldon: Not funny. Just normal.
Adult Sheldon: Smooth.
Sheldon: Bye.
Adult Sheldon: So smooth.

Sheldon: Would you like to go with me to a comic book convention?
George Jr.: Will there be girls there?
[Sheldon turns around and walks away without saying a word]

Pastor Rob: Gentlemen. How are we tonight?
Billy Sparks: [whispers] Be cool.
Pastor Rob: Y'all wouldn't be planning on throwing any water balloons at the girls later?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
[Pastor Rob picks up Billy's backpack and removes a water balloon]
Pastor Rob: Nice try.
Billy Sparks: How did he know?
Sheldon: Maybe God told him.

Sheldon: I'm neither holding hands nor praying. I don't even know why I walked over here.
Pastor Rob: Heavenly Father, may this evening bring us closer to you. Keep us safe and, most importantly, Heavenly Father, help us rock this night of fellowship. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor Rob: I don't think he heard you.
All: Amen!
Sheldon: He can't hear you because he's not real.
Pastor Rob: One more time for Sheldon, y'all. [Sheldon covers his ears]
All: Amen!

Mary: Should you really be reading in the car, baby?
Sheldon: I'll be fine.
Mary: You sure? You're not the one who'll have to clean up the oatmeal back there.
Sheldon: I said I'll be fine. And it's the blueberries you should be worried about.
Mary: Well, you're in a mood.
Sheldon: Maybe because there was so much bickering going on at home that I couldn't study.
Mary: Oh, I'm sorry if our family problems are getting in the way of your schoolwork.
Sheldon: I accept your apology. [vomits]
Mary: Oh...
Sheldon: Yep, blueberries.

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah, well... Neither-neither do you!

Ms. Ingram: I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Sheldon: Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently, I'm hilarious.

Pastor Jeff: Actually, Mary, can I speak to you for a sec?
Mary: Sure. Um, I'll be right there.
Meemaw: Yeah, make it quick. I don't want to miss kickoff.
Sheldon: [groans] Church and football? At least 60 Minutes is on tonight.

Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George Sr.: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I'm not the one who made your schedule.
Sheldon: No, but as the president of the university, you do have the power to adjust the class times.
President Hagemeyer: So, you expect me to disrupt the schedule of hundreds of students for your convenience?
Sheldon: Finally, we're on the same page.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I have work to do, and I'm sure that you can solve this one on your own.
Sheldon: I suppose a nap might be refreshing. What kind of lumbar support does that couch have?
President Hagemeyer: That's it. Come with me.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, may I speak with you?
Dr. Linkletter: If I say no, will you leave?
Sheldon: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Then why even ask?
Sheldon: It's called manners.

Sheldon: I also found this letter from Caltech. I wonder why she was hiding it.
Missy: So read it.
Sheldon: I'm not allowed to. It's not addressed to me.
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: The U.S. Postal Service is a government agency. Mail is protected by federal law.
Missy: I'll read it.
Sheldon: Don't. If you do, I'll be an accessory to the crime.

Sam: Wait, you have a single?
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Sam: And you don't even sleep here?
Sheldon: Well, sometimes I take naps, but that mattress is lumpy, lumpy.
Sam: I live with two other girls in a room this size.
Sheldon: You should've complained to President Hagemeyer. She was very accommodating.
Sam: Wait, there are two closets?
Sheldon: That's a bathroom.
Sam: Are you kidding me? I share one with, like, 30 other people.
Sheldon: That sounds yucky.
Sam: It is, Sheldon. It is very yucky. However yucky you think it is, it is yuckier.
Sheldon: Well, you're welcome to use mine. Just squat over the seat, don't sit.

Sam: Well, I was gonna study in my dorm, but there was a sock on my door.
Sheldon: Oh, and you didn't want to touch it. I understand completely.
Sam: Yeah, you really don't, but that's fine.
Sheldon: Well, I have a room here, so you could study with me if you'd like.
Sam: Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. [chuckles]
Sheldon: Why was there a sock on your door?
Sam: It's like a signal.
Sheldon: A signal for what?
Sam: A signal that I should change the subject. How are your classes going?
Sheldon: So well, thank you for asking.

Meemaw: What's going on here?
Sheldon: Wesley Crusher was just accepted into Starfleet Academy, and for his final mission, he's accompanying Picard on a shuttle mission to Pentarus Five.
Meemaw: No. I mean who's your friend?
Sheldon: Oh, he's not a friend. He's a stranger. I met him on a Star Trek bulletin board. He had a copy of the episode Georgie taped over and brought it here.

Richard Feynman: [v.o.] All right, hang on. Where is the fun in finding things out if some joker with a bird head just tells you the answer?
Sheldon: But a grand unified field theory would explain the universe.
Richard Feynman: Answers are all well and good, but a real scientist loves the thrill of the chase. Am I right, Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: [v.o.] I would agree. I do also enjoy the thrill of rolling over bubble wrap with my chair.
Professor Proton: It-it is fun to pop that stuff, isn't it?
Stephen Hawking: So fun.

Sheldon: But what if I never figure it out?
Albert Einstein: I never did and my scientific career is nothing to sneeze at.
Richard Feynman: Same here.
Stephen Hawking: Agreed.
Professor Proton: Uh, don't-don't look at me. I-I drive a Yugo.

Jana: I think I'm gonna go.
George Jr.: Okay.
Sheldon: Hola, senorita. She's in my Spanish class.
Jana: I'll call you later.
Sheldon: Te veo manana en la clase de espanol.
Jana: What?
Sheldon: That means, "See you tomorrow in Spanish class." I was going to ask how you thought you did on Friday's quiz, but I'm guessing the answer is no bueno. Adios.