Principal Petersen: [screams]
Sheldon: [screams]
Principal Petersen: What are you doing, standing there?
Sheldon: I wrote a formal complaint letter to the school board on how much money is spent on football. I was hoping you could deliver it to them.
Principal Petersen: You do realize your father's a coach here.
Sheldon: Yes, sir, I do.
Principal Petersen: Maybe you ought to talk to him about this first.
Sheldon: I did. He didn't care for the idea at all.
Principal Petersen: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: There I go what?
Principal Petersen: Let me see that. "Barbaric sport encourages bloodlust similar to Roman gladiator games Christians, lions money better spent on science and learning." You're joking, right?
Sheldon: Did you see the word "bazinga" anywhere in that letter?
Principal Petersen: Out.

Sheldon: Well, I told him religion isn't objective and there's no proof for it.
Mary: Oh, I bet he didn't like that.
Sheldon: He loved it. He quoted Kierkegaard and said if you could prove it, there'd be no room for faith.
Mary: Oh. Well, good for him.
Sheldon: He also likes homework.

George Sr.: Sheldon, listen, I know losing ain't easy. I deal with it on the football field all the time. It's like that big game we had last year against Nacogdoches. We were down 28 points at the half. It was raining, it was muddy. Everybody in the stands had gone home. But somehow, we managed to claw our way back to a tie with a minute left. And then, they threw a Hail Mary, and the receiver stepped out of bounds, but the ref didn't see it. After all that, we lose on a bad call. Believe me, I was furious. But I sucked it up, and I walked across that field and I shook their hands.
Sheldon: I didn't hear a word you said.
George Sr.: Okay.

Mr. Givens: So while an animal cell has a membrane, a plant cell has a membrane and a cell wall.
Sheldon: Who cares?
Mr. Givens: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: Being disrespectful, sir.

Sheldon: I was sent to see Principal Petersen.
Diane: What is it this time?
Sheldon: Youthful rebellion. My voice hasn't changed yet, but my attitude has.
Diane: I'll let him know you're here.
Sheldon: You do that. Ma'am.

Sheldon: Attention, students and faculty. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper. We're taught that hard work pays off, but that's not true. I came up with a solution to save Earth from killer asteroids, and lost the science fair to SueAnn Ludlow, and her frizzy hair machine. But it wasn't just me who lost, we all lost. Wake up, people. The system's broken. Real innovation isn't valued. Nowadays, it's all about flash and style.
I blame MTV. Luckily, my parents can't afford cable. I urge you all to rise up. They can't send everyone to the principal's office. Chew gum in class, use a number one pencil, go nuts. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper signing off. Live long and prosper.

Sheldon: Thank you, but I will no longer be needing these.
Ms. Fenley: You're giving up so soon? What happened? Did it hurt your fingers?
Sheldon: No. I'm following the advice of a very wise Rabbi Schneiderman from Temple Judea in Houston.
Ms. Fenley: Is this another one of your jokes?
Sheldon: No. If it were a joke, your mouth would be open and the sound "ha-ha" would be coming out.

Dr. Goetsch: Okay. Uh, you two, make yourselves comfortable. Me and my main man Sheldon are gonna go have a little chitchat in my office.
Sheldon: I don't like chitchat, and I'm not your main man.

Pat: Look, you seem like nice folk, but Yankees ain't popular around here. I suggest you be on your way.
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry to have troubled you. Let's go.
Sheldon: Excuse me. My colleagues may be from the North, but for your information, I'm a Texan, born and bred. I know that real chili has no beans, and when my meemaw says, "Bless your heart," she means something very different. Now, my friend here is in need of help, and since our state motto is literally "friendship," may he please use your phone?
Pat: Well, dang. [puts the phone on the bar]
Dr. John Sturgis: And could I trouble you for a yellow pages?
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: Wow. You're famous.
Mr. Lundy: Well, I And I was Carbucketty in the Dallas-Fort Worth Players production of Cats. [PURRS] [LAUGHS] Did you see that?
Sheldon: No, I'm afraid of cats.
Mr. Lundy: Well, you realize the cats are just the actors.
Sheldon: I still wouldn't risk it.
Mr. Lundy: You're an odd boy, but you make it work.

Mr. Lundy: Anyway, uh, auditions are next week. You're welcome to come on by.
Sheldon: Excellent. I checked out a book on acting so I should have the hang of it by then.
Mr. Lundy: Well, I like that confidence.
Sheldon: Thank you. Most people find it off-putting.
Mr. Lundy: I can see that.

Sheldon: Why are they all singing?
Meemaw: Because it's a musical.
Sheldon: But why can't they just say it?
Meemaw: Well, that wouldn't be very musical, would it?
Sheldon: And where is the music coming from?
Missy: You're thinking about it too much.
Sheldon: And how do they all know the same dance?
Missy: Come on!
Meemaw: Moon pie!

George Jr.: What are you looking for?
Sheldon: A brooch.
George Jr.: What's a brooch?
Sheldon: It's a piece of jewelry. In my acting book, there's an exercise where you look for a missing brooch in a convincing way.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: According to the story, it was given to me by a friend so I could afford to stay in drama school, but now it's gone.
George Jr.: Well, good luck finding it.
Sheldon: Thanks. Wait. You really believed I was looking for something? I did it. I'm an actor.
George Jr.: You're a freak.
Sheldon: Oh, where the heck is that brooch?

Mr. Lundy: All right, Mr. Cooper. The stage is yours.
Sheldon: Thank you. I'd like to begin with a monologue from King Lear. [looking at Mr. Lundy]
Mr. Lundy: What?
Sheldon: I believe you're supposed to say "break a leg."
Mr. Lundy: Sorry. Break a leg.

Sheldon: Poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are, that bide the pelting of this pitiless storm.
How shall your houseless heads and unfed sides, your looped and windowed raggedness defend you from seasons such as these? Oh, I've ta'en too little care of this. Take physic, pomp. Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel, that thou may shake the superflux to them and show the heavens more just.
Mr. Lundy: Holy mackerel.

George Sr.: What do you think you're doing?
Sheldon: Exploring the impact of the French invasion on Imperial Russian society.
George Sr.: Well, get out of here. You're going back to class.
Sheldon: No, I'm not.
George Sr.: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I don't learn anything in class. But in here I've taught myself the applications of gravitational lensing, Faraday's law of magnetic induction, and how to whistle. [blows air] Well, sound came out yesterday.
George Sr.: You can't spend your day in a broom closet.
Sheldon: It's no longer a broom closet. It's now a citadel of higher learning.

George Sr.: So what's this mean?
Principal Petersen: It means he pitched a perfect game, George. I've already gotten calls from colleges who want to meet him.
George Sr.: For, like, scholarships and stuff?
Principal Petersen: For everything! They might even pay you to get him.
George Sr.: My man!
Sheldon: When was the last time you washed your hands?
George Sr.: Come on!

Sheldon: Well, have a great day, Georgie.
George Jr.: A great day? Are you out of your mind? Our lives are over.
Sheldon: Well, you'll never have a great day with that attitude.

Sheldon: Hello, I'd like to speak to the mayor, please. My name is Sheldon Cooper. I'm running for class president and was hoping he could give me some advice. I'm ten years old. But if it helps get him on the phone, I'm well-behaved, a straight-A student, and have impeccable hygiene.

Sheldon: Are we going to watch an educational film?
Mr. Givens: We're gonna watch Star Trek.
Sheldon: Star Trek in school? Wowie Zowie.