George Sr.: Hey, Tom, you got a minute?
Principal Petersen: Pretty busy. Make it quick.
George Sr.: It turns out I don't need that raise.
Principal Petersen: What happened, you win the lottery?
George Sr.: No, no.
Principal Petersen: Aw, George, I am so sorry.
George Sr.: Well, what can you do?
Principal Petersen: Listen, I cleared your raise already, why don't you just keep the money.
George Sr.: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Principal Petersen: No. No, I mean it. It's yours.

Sheldon: You wanted to see me?
Principal Petersen: When don't I want to see you, Sheldon? Come in. I have something I'd like to give you. This is a key to the faculty restroom. No students allowed. One person at a time. And unlike the other restrooms, this one gets cleaned every night.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Principal Petersen: No, Sheldon. Thank you.
Sheldon: You're welcome.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Principal Petersen: A student like Sheldon comes along... once in a lifetime. This school is not gonna be the same without him. But I know he's gonna do great things. And I'm honored to have been a small part of it.

George Sr.: Are you saying I'm losing my job?
Principal Petersen: No. No, no, I'm saying you just got some fires to put out.
George Sr.: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Principal Petersen: Talk to the boosters. Tell 'em something encouraging.
George Sr.: Yeah. Got it.
Principal Petersen: And say it like your job depends on it. Not that it does. But it does.

Principal Petersen: Uh, look, you know your team didn't have a great year.
George Sr.: I'm aware.
Principal Petersen: I'm aware, too, 'cause I've been hearing about it everywhere. The grocery store, gas station, barbershop. And I'm only in there, like, seconds, George.
George Sr.: I know people are upset, but we're gonna turn things around.
Principal Petersen: Look, I'm on your side. But you should know the boosters got pitchforks out. Not literally, but Charlie Dean owns that feed store, so...

George Sr.: So, that's why I wanted to give you a heads-up.
Principal Petersen: I got to tell you, George, this is a real blow.
George Sr.: Appreciate it. But, uh, yeah, you'll find someone. There's a lot of good coaches out there.
Principal Petersen: Not you. Sheldon.
George Sr.: Sheldon? I thought everyone would be thrilled for him to leave.
Principal Petersen: Don't get me wrong, your kid is a royal pain in the ass. However, his state test scores are so extraordinary, the school actually gets more funding because of it.
George Sr.: You serious?
Principal Petersen: Serious as the fire alarms, which are now functional. And always were, if anyone asks.

Principal Petersen: I would love to, Sheldon, but there's a district rule that says a principal can't live next door to a student.
Sheldon: That makes sense.
Principal Petersen: Does it? Good.

Brenda Sparks: Anyway, his name is Billy, and he's in sixth grade, so you're gonna be seeing him in three or four or five years. [Petersen laughs]
George Sr.: You met him at my house when we were playing poker.
Principal Petersen: The big kid. I love that kid.
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
Brenda Sparks: Good. Remember that when he's failing homeroom.
Principal Petersen: Oh, don't worry about grades. He's gonna be a linebacker. Where you been hiding this one, George?
George Sr.: Haven't been hiding her.
Brenda Sparks: Well, not that easy to hide.
Principal Petersen: [chuckles] I'll get us another round. [whispers to George] Tell her how I make more money than you.

George Sr.: What made you and your wife call it quits?
Principal Petersen: George, let me tell you something. Getting divorced sucks.
George Sr.: I know.
Principal Petersen: You don't. If you think you're upset about a $500 scratcher, try sitting home alone with half your money gone.
George Sr.: I thought you were gonna say something about love and vows.
Principal Petersen: Half, George. And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole.
George Sr.: I said I'd buy your drinks.
Principal Petersen: Well, thank you. Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

Principal Petersen: If you could have any job in the high school, what would it be?
George Sr.: [laughs] I don't know, why?
Principal Petersen: Sometimes I look at the janitor pushing around that buffing machine. That thing looks like a blast. He doesn't wear a tie. No fights with the school board. Vomit and feces aside, he's, he's living the dream.

George Sr.: Tell me about your fun bachelor life.
Principal Petersen: Well, as of last week, I officially tasted every Campbell's soup.
George Sr.: [laughing] Come on, Tom. I'm trying to live vicariously here. There's got to be something good.
Principal Petersen: Let's see, I go hunting and fishing whenever I feel like it.
George Sr.: Now we're getting somewhere.
Principal Petersen: Spend my money on whatever I want.
George Sr.: Mm. What was the last thing you got?
Principal Petersen: Foreman fight on pay-per-view. I ate a bucket of chicken and watched it in my underwear.
George Sr.: You lucky bastard.
Principal Petersen: Uh-huh.

George Sr.: What do you want to do?
Principal Petersen: Oh, I don't know. We can't leave him here.
George Sr.: Let's take him to your place.
Principal Petersen: I can't do that.
George Sr.: Why not?
Principal Petersen: If I took in every teacher with marital problems, my apartment would look like a firehouse.

Principal Petersen: Interesting bar, George.
George Sr.: Just wanted a change of pace.
Principal Petersen: Well, other than the noise and smell, you've picked a winner.
George Sr.: You want to go someplace else, we'll go someplace else.
Principal Petersen: No, I'm happy to stay here and bust your balls. I see they've even got a chili dog buffet, and just the sight of it makes me want to sit on a toilet.

Mary: I just can't believe Darlene would do that to him.
Principal Petersen: Yeah, just... Right before the big game Friday night. Think he can pull himself together by then?
George Sr.: How would I know?
Mary: Really? A man's life is coming apart and you're worried about a football game?
Principal Petersen: Well, yeah.

George Sr.: Wayne, what's going on?
Coach Wilkins: My life is a lie.
Principal Petersen: [whispers] Gay?
George Sr.: I don't know.

Principal Petersen: George, you don't mess with a winning streak.
George Sr.: So as long as we're winning I'm stuck with this guy?
Principal Petersen: That's right.
George Sr.: What if we lose?
Principal Petersen: Then you're gonna get murdered by a guy wearing a pink cowboy hat.

Principal Petersen: Oh, listen, George, I really need your help here.
George Sr.: What do you expect me to do?
Principal Petersen: I don't know. Get him coaching again.
George Sr.: You gave him my job. This is your problem.
Principal Petersen: Well, you quit.
George Sr.: You were gonna fire me.
Principal Petersen: But you quit first.

Principal Petersen: 'Cause I have a bet with the Jasper principal and I really don't want to wear a pink cowboy hat to the next pep rally.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I gotta be honest, it'd be going better if Pastor Rob would stay in his lane.
Principal Petersen: Well, I thought the kids liked having him around.
George Sr.: Yeah, 'cause he's filling their heads with junk like they should be treated nice and not get yelled at.
Principal Petersen: Oh. Well, he's one of those, huh?
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah. So I can get rid of him?
Principal Petersen: Hell no. We just beat Pineview by 28 points. You telling me God didn't have anything to do with that?
George Sr.: Well, I think I deserve a little credit.
Principal Petersen: Fine, good job. Mustache boy stays.

Mary: So you're saying he's being rude to his teachers?
George Sr.: That's unacceptable. I'll-I'll give him a talkin' to.
Principal Petersen: I don't know if I'd call him rude.
Mary: Well, put a word on it.
Principal Petersen: Rude, let's go with rude. Rude is good.

Principal Petersen: 500 bucks? I guess drinks are on you.
George Sr.: Fine, but is that all you got from my story?
Principal Petersen: It's called lightening the mood, George.