George: Hey, Tom, you got a minute?
Principal Petersen: Pretty busy. Make it quick.
George: It turns out I don't need that raise.
Principal Petersen: What happened, you win the lottery?
George: No, no.
Principal Petersen: Aw, George, I am so sorry.
George: Well, what can you do?
Principal Petersen: Listen, I cleared your raise already, why don't you just keep the money.
George: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Principal Petersen: No. No, I mean it. It's yours.

Sheldon: You wanted to see me?
Principal Petersen: When don't I want to see you, Sheldon? Come in. I have something I'd like to give you. This is a key to the faculty restroom. No students allowed. One person at a time. And unlike the other restrooms, this one gets cleaned every night.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Principal Petersen: No, Sheldon. Thank you.
Sheldon: You're welcome.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Principal Petersen: A student like Sheldon comes along... once in a lifetime. This school is not gonna be the same without him. But I know he's gonna do great things. And I'm honored to have been a small part of it.

Mandy: What's going on?
Coach Wilkins: Mary, we got some bad news.
Mary: Where's George?
[Missy and Meemaw wander over and stand next to Mary]
Principal Petersen: I'm so sorry. He, uh... He had a heart attack.
Missy: But he... he's okay, right?
Principal Petersen: He's gone.

Coach Wilkins: [sobs]
Principal Petersen: Okay. Okay. Uh, what Wayne here is trying to say, uh, is, uh, George was a hell of a coach. He was a hell of a friend. And we're gonna miss him a hell of a lot. [microphone feedback]
Coach Wilkins: Thank you.

George: So, that's why I wanted to give you a heads-up.
Principal Petersen: I got to tell you, George, this is a real blow.
George: Appreciate it. But, uh, yeah, you'll find someone. There's a lot of good coaches out there.
Principal Petersen: Not you. Sheldon.
George: Sheldon? I thought everyone would be thrilled for him to leave.
Principal Petersen: Don't get me wrong, your kid is a royal pain in the ass. However, his state test scores are so extraordinary, the school actually gets more funding because of it.
George: You serious?
Principal Petersen: Serious as the fire alarms, which are now functional. And always were, if anyone asks.

Principal Petersen: I would love to, Sheldon, but there's a district rule that says a principal can't live next door to a student.
Sheldon: That makes sense.
Principal Petersen: Does it? Good.

Principal Petersen: If you could have any job in the high school, what would it be?
George: [laughs] I don't know, why?
Principal Petersen: Sometimes I look at the janitor pushing around that buffing machine. That thing looks like a blast. He doesn't wear a tie. No fights with the school board. Vomit and feces aside, he's, he's living the dream.

George: Tell me about your fun bachelor life.
Principal Petersen: Well, as of last week, I officially tasted every Campbell's soup.
George: [laughing] Come on, Tom. I'm trying to live vicariously here. There's got to be something good.
Principal Petersen: Let's see, I go hunting and fishing whenever I feel like it.
George: Now we're getting somewhere.
Principal Petersen: Spend my money on whatever I want.
George: Mm. What was the last thing you got?
Principal Petersen: Foreman fight on pay-per-view. I ate a bucket of chicken and watched it in my underwear.
George: You lucky bastard.
Principal Petersen: Uh-huh.

Principal Petersen: Interesting bar, George.
George: Just wanted a change of pace.
Principal Petersen: Well, other than the noise and smell, you've picked a winner.
George: You want to go someplace else, we'll go someplace else.
Principal Petersen: No, I'm happy to stay here and bust your balls. I see they've even got a chili dog buffet, and just the sight of it makes me want to sit on a toilet.

Brenda Sparks: Anyway, his name is Billy, and he's in sixth grade, so you're gonna be seeing him in three or four or five years. [Petersen laughs]
George: You met him at my house when we were playing poker.
Principal Petersen: The big kid. I love that kid.
George: Mm-hmm.
Brenda Sparks: Good. Remember that when he's failing homeroom.
Principal Petersen: Oh, don't worry about grades. He's gonna be a linebacker. Where you been hiding this one, George?
George: Haven't been hiding her.
Brenda Sparks: Well, not that easy to hide.
Principal Petersen: [chuckles] I'll get us another round. [whispers to George] Tell her how I make more money than you.

Principal Petersen: Uh, look, you know your team didn't have a great year.
George: I'm aware.
Principal Petersen: I'm aware, too, 'cause I've been hearing about it everywhere. The grocery store, gas station, barbershop. And I'm only in there, like, seconds, George.
George: I know people are upset, but we're gonna turn things around.
Principal Petersen: Look, I'm on your side. But you should know the boosters got pitchforks out. Not literally, but Charlie Dean owns that feed store, so...

George: Are you saying I'm losing my job?
Principal Petersen: No. No, no, I'm saying you just got some fires to put out.
George: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Principal Petersen: Talk to the boosters. Tell 'em something encouraging.
George: Yeah. Got it.
Principal Petersen: And say it like your job depends on it. Not that it does. But it does.

George: What made you and your wife call it quits?
Principal Petersen: George, let me tell you something. Getting divorced sucks.
George: I know.
Principal Petersen: You don't. If you think you're upset about a $500 scratcher, try sitting home alone with half your money gone.
George: I thought you were gonna say something about love and vows.
Principal Petersen: Half, George. And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole.
George: I said I'd buy your drinks.
Principal Petersen: Well, thank you. Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

George: What do you want to do?
Principal Petersen: Oh, I don't know. We can't leave him here.
George: Let's take him to your place.
Principal Petersen: I can't do that.
George: Why not?
Principal Petersen: If I took in every teacher with marital problems, my apartment would look like a firehouse.