Principal Petersen: If you don't want another one, do what I did.
George: I'm not getting a divorce.
Principal Petersen: No, I mean, get a little snip. Never worry about it again.
George: Well, you mean like a... like a down-there snip?
Principal Petersen: I can't believe I let you teach Health.
George: Well, Mary'd never go for that.
Coach Wilkins: I didn't know you got snipped.
Principal Petersen: That's 'cause my balls are none of your business.
Coach Wilkins: Fair point.

George: Wow, Tom, I... I don't know what to say.
Principal Petersen: You can say no and stay here.
George: Well, I sure ain't saying that. [chuckles] But moving to Houston... that's a big deal.
Principal Petersen: That's why I wanted to give you a heads-up, so you and Mary could talk before they make the offer.
George: Appreciate that.
Principal Petersen: Congratulations, George. I've always believed in you.
George: What about that time you fired me?
Principal Petersen: We're having a nice moment, do you have to?

Mary: So you're saying he's being rude to his teachers?
George: That's unacceptable. I'll-I'll give him a talkin' to.
Principal Petersen: I don't know if I'd call him rude.
Mary: Well, put a word on it.
Principal Petersen: Rude, let's go with rude. Rude is good.

Diane: Sheldon Cooper's outside.
Principal Petersen: Who sent him now?
Diane: Givens.
Principal Petersen: Well, you know what? Givens needs to man up. Cooper's a little boy. It's not hard to handle him.
Diane: I'll send him in.
Principal Petersen: H-Hold on a minute, just Does he know I'm in here?

Principal Petersen: You better run, you little punk!

Principal Petersen: You ever play football?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
Principal Petersen: Think about it. I will forge a birth certificate tomorrow.

Georgie: You wanted to see me?
Principal Petersen: Actually, I wanted to see you yesterday, but you weren't in school.
Georgie: You noticed that, huh?
Principal Petersen: I've noticed it a lot lately. Level with me, son. Is it drinking? Drugs?
Georgie: Actually, it's work.
Principal Petersen: Oh. I don't think I have a pamphlet for that. You sure you didn't get a girl in trouble? [holds up pamphlet] You will at some point, just take it.

George: [chuckles] What about women?
Principal Petersen: [sighs] Honestly... it's tough to meet people at this age.
George: No, come on, charming fella like you?
Principal Petersen: [scoffs] Sadly, this is the best night out I've had in a long time.
George: Yeah. Me, too.
Principal Petersen: But if you know anybody, send them my way.
George: Yeah, I'll think about.
Principal Petersen: You ever eat chicken in your underwear?
George: What do you think?
Principal Petersen: Yes.
George: Yes.

George: Don't you usually hang out at Nate's?
Brenda Sparks: Well, I thought that was more your spot.
George: Yeah, usually.
Principal Petersen: But tonight he took me to this charming dump.
George: She works here.
Principal Petersen: Cool.

Brenda Sparks: Well, it was nice meeting you. I'll let y'all enjoy your night.
George: Good seeing you.
Principal Petersen: Hey, if you're here by yourself, join us.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, no. No, I wouldn't want to intrude.
George: We're probably leaving soon, anyways.
Principal Petersen: What are you talking about? You made me put on pants and leave the house. I'm at least getting a beer out of this.
George: Fine.
Principal Petersen: Sit. I'll grab us a round.

Principal Petersen: 500 bucks? I guess drinks are on you.
George: Fine, but is that all you got from my story?
Principal Petersen: It's called lightening the mood, George.

George: Wayne, what's going on?
Coach Wilkins: My life is a lie.
Principal Petersen: [whispers] Gay?
George: I don't know.

Mary: I just can't believe Darlene would do that to him.
Principal Petersen: Yeah, just... Right before the big game Friday night. Think he can pull himself together by then?
George: How would I know?
Mary: Really? A man's life is coming apart and you're worried about a football game?
Principal Petersen: Well, yeah.

Principal Petersen: Oh, listen, George, I really need your help here.
George: What do you expect me to do?
Principal Petersen: I don't know. Get him coaching again.
George: You gave him my job. This is your problem.
Principal Petersen: Well, you quit.
George: You were gonna fire me.
Principal Petersen: But you quit first.

Principal Petersen: 'Cause I have a bet with the Jasper principal and I really don't want to wear a pink cowboy hat to the next pep rally.
George: [chuckles] I gotta be honest, it'd be going better if Pastor Rob would stay in his lane.
Principal Petersen: Well, I thought the kids liked having him around.
George: Yeah, 'cause he's filling their heads with junk like they should be treated nice and not get yelled at.
Principal Petersen: Oh. Well, he's one of those, huh?
George: [chuckles] Yeah. So I can get rid of him?
Principal Petersen: Hell no. We just beat Pineview by 28 points. You telling me God didn't have anything to do with that?
George: Well, I think I deserve a little credit.
Principal Petersen: Fine, good job. Mustache boy stays.