Georgie: How much are we getting paid today?
Meemaw: You're not getting paid squat. You're helping out your meemaw.
Missy: That doesn't seem fair.
George: Yeah, we should get something.
Meemaw: Fine. How much you want?
Missy: Five dollars.
Georgie: Each.
Missy: Each.
Meemaw: That's pretty steep. How about I give you a buck apiece?
Georgie: Let's meet in the middle, three dollars each.
Meemaw: Now we're haggling. Let me ask you a question. If you break something today, are you prepared to cover the cost of that?
Missy: No.
Georgie: Nuh-uh.
Meemaw: Mm. Well, we're gonna have to factor that in. And did you bring your own lunch?
Georgie: You said we were getting pizza.
Meemaw: Well, I did, but pizza ain't free. And I'm teaching you about negotiating, which is a pretty valuable life lesson, right?
Missy: Yeah.
Georgie: I guess so.
Meemaw: So, if my math is right, you owe me two dollars each.
Georgie: We owe you?
Meemaw: The numbers don't lie.
Georgie: Dang it.
Meemaw: All right, listen. I love ya, and you're family, so if you do it for nothing, we'll call it even.
Missy: Take it, take it, take it.
Georgie: You got yourself a deal.
Meemaw: [SIGHS] Y'all drive a hard bargain. [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] Now start bringing that crap outside. [LAUGHTER]

Meemaw: Whatcha working on?
Missy: A welcome home sign for Sheldon.
Meemaw: Oh, that's a nice thing.
Missy: Yeah, but this "W" took me half an hour.
Meemaw: Hmm. You want some help?
Missy: Yeah.
Meemaw: Georgie, get your ass in here!

Meemaw: Hello. Well, don't you look like Madonna?
Missy: Thank you. I was actually trying to look like you.
Meemaw: Thank you.

Meemaw: Well, if he's wrong, then teach him to be right instead of berating him like a big ol' jackass.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's very hurtful!
Meemaw: Well, how 'bout that? They do run slower.

Meemaw: [singing] My country, 'tis of thee, Sweet land of liberty, Of thee I sing, Land where our fathers died, la- Sing along - Land of the pilgrims' pride.

Mary: Oh, Mom. If you're sleeping with the man, you should be married to him.
Meemaw: Why do I come here? I got to find a cooler chick to talk to.

Meemaw: Well, we're not getting married any time soon.
Sheldon: You should. You're old; you don't have many years left.
Meemaw: I really need to meet a whole new group of people.

Meemaw: So, what's new?
Mary: I'm worried about Sheldon.
Meemaw: I said "new."

Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, thank you. That looks amazing. I love ice cream.
Meemaw: Did you know that they used to use the anal glands of beavers to make it taste like vanilla?
Ira Rosenbloom: No. Where'd you hear that?
Meemaw: It's just something I picked up along the way.
Ira Rosenbloom: You okay?
Meemaw: Yeah. Let's eat pie.
Ira Rosenbloom: And maybe not the ice cream.

Mary: By the way, don't send Georgie to the store anymore to get you beer.
Meemaw: He snitched on me? Well, he tried to steal one.

Meemaw: I tried to call you last night; the phone was busy.
Mary: Oh, yeah, that was Sheldon.
Meemaw: Sheldon has friends he talks on the phone with?
Mary: Well, his computer was talking to another computer.
Meemaw: Oh. And the world makes sense again.

Meemaw: You got to remember to hoist your food up into the trees so this one can't get it.
George: Very funny.
Meemaw: You make fun of my face, I'm gonna have to make fun of your enormous, bear-like body.

Meemaw: So now I have these two guys in my life. And I know that might sound like bragging, but at my age, if you are single and not hooked to an oxygen tank, you got to swat 'em away. I'm still pissed at you for dying. I'm not gonna just sit at home and miss you. I mean, you wouldn't want that. You'd want me to go out and have fun, right? Take your time, think about it.

Mary: I don't feel I'm being out of line wanting to know how old this girl is or what church she goes to or her last name.
Meemaw: Owens. What? Now you know.
Mary: Unbelievable!
Meemaw: Oh, geez, you worry about Sheldon not being normal, now you're worried about Georgie being normal how did I raise such a turd?
Mary: I am not... that word.
Meemaw: If you can't say the word, you might be the word.

Meemaw: You keep frownin' like that, you're gonna get wrinkles like your meemaw.
Missy: You look great.
Meemaw: I know, I just wanted to hear you say it.