Georgie: What if it hits us and we all die?
Meemaw: It's not gonna hit us! I might hit you. But first I'm gonna hold you.

Mary: He mentioned you were pretty happy about the whole experience, too.
Meemaw: Well, I guess Mr. Wizard did take a bit of a shine to me.
Mary: What's that mean?
Meemaw: It means he asked me out to dinner. No big deal.
Mary: So, you going?
Meemaw: When have you known me to turn down a free meal?
George: Ain't that the truth.
Meemaw: Says the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Mary: Ain't that the truth.
George: I do have feelings, y'all.

Mary: Here we go: animal control.
Meemaw: Oh, no, no. No, you don't want to go calling animal control.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Because, you have to live next door to these people.
Mary: They called the cops on Georgie when he played music too loud.
Meemaw: Maybe it was them, maybe it was me.

Mary: Really, Mom? This is how you put out the fire?
Meemaw: Well, at least she got the worst of it.
George: How you figure that?
Meemaw: I ripped a big patch of hair out of her head. This will be healed in a week. She will be wearing a hat till Labor Day.

Mary: So, you're really gonna go out with this furniture store fella while seeing Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: It's called playing the field. And if you'd done some of that, you wouldn't be saddled with Bluto in there.

Mary: And is that really necessary?
Meemaw: The Italians call it "corretto". It means correcting the drink.
Mary: So, a drink without alcohol in it is wrong?
Meemaw: Yep. Italian people, they know what's up.

Mary: Would you ever take Ira back?
Meemaw: I don't know. He's sweet as he can be, but there's just something about John. He's like a cute little teddy bear, you know? A brilliant, bicycle-riding teddy bear. I don't even understand half of what he says. But when he's not around, I just miss him.
George: Sounds like you're falling in love.
Meemaw: Maybe I am.

Meemaw: Let's talk about Sheldon.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful. What about him?
Meemaw: He's having kind of a hard time with the new girl in your class.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? Why?
Meemaw: He's jealous of the attention you're paying her.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, she's remarkable.
Meemaw: You see that? Less of that.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I think he's remarkable, too.
Meemaw: Perfect. More of that, less of the other one.
Dr. John Sturgis: Understood.

Missy: How come we don't get to go to the funeral?
Meemaw: Why would you want to go to a funeral?
Missy: I've never been to one.
Meemaw: When you get to be my age, you get to go to plenty.
Missy: That's, like, a hundred years from now.
Meemaw: You make it hard to love you.

Mary: Hey. Let's go out.
Meemaw: Go out where?
Mary: I don't know, Dairy Queen, shooting range, line dancing?
Meemaw: Have you been drinking?
Mary: I might've had a wine cooler or two.
Meemaw: Sweetheart, that ain't drinking.

Mary: Did you know George and I used to come here when we first started dating?
Meemaw: Is that so?
Mary: He kissed me right over there in that booth.
Meemaw: Why, was there some barbecue sauce on your face? It's a fat joke.
Mary: I got it, Mom.

Bruce: Looks like you could use a shoulder to cry on.
Meemaw: No, she does not need a shoulder to cry on, but I do need a place to store my pool stick.
Bruce: Maybe I'd like that.
Meemaw: Get!

George: What am I supposed to do with her?
Meemaw: I don't know. But be careful. Last time she was this drunk, you ended up with your first son.

Meemaw: I do not want Mary to find out about this.
George: Well, what about Sheldon? The kid hasn't pooped in days, he might pop.
Meemaw: Slip a little Metamucil into his apple juice, he'll be fine.

Meemaw: All right, as soon as I get these tables set up on the lawn, y'all can start bringing that stuff out.
George: You think you're gonna get ten bucks for this piece of junk?
Meemaw: Hey, that piece of junk is a wedding gift from my cheap-ass Cousin Betty. And I was gonna leave a little room to haggle.
Missy: What's a haggle?
Meemaw: Negotiating. You start high, they offer less, then you meet somewhere in the middle. Leaves them feeling like, you know, they got a deal.
Missy: Did they?
Meemaw: [GIGGLING] Not if you did it right.