Mary Quotes
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
Mary: It doesn't matter, Sheldon. We can't afford a computer.
Sheldon: Sure we can. It's only $998, and Dave says we can buy it on easy monthly payments.
Dave: That's true.
Mary: Stay out of this, Dave. Come on. We got to get home.
Sheldon: But-
Mary: Sheldon, I said no.
Dave: I can make you a good deal on the floor model, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Seriously, Dave, you're getting on my nerves.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
George Sr.: Oh, come on. You know how I feel about your mother meddlin' in our finances.
Mary: She wasn't meddlin', she was offering to help. And that computer is not some silly toy. Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to organize my recipes.
George Sr.: You already got 'em organized on those little cards.
Mary: Yeah, like a cave person.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
George Sr.: We can't afford it, end of story.
Mary: Not exactly end of story.
George Sr.: What's that mean?
Mary: I've been setting money aside the last couple of years, and this might be a good use for it.
George Sr.: Money from what?
Mary: You know, here and there. Bookkeeping for the church, some seamstress work, birthday money from my Aunt Zelda.
George Sr.: And just how much of this "here and there" money you got saved up?
Mary: Well, seeing as it's my money, I don't think that's any of your business.
George Sr.: None of my business? You see every nickel I make, and you got secret money?
Mary: It's not secret. I just told you.
George Sr.: Where you hiding it?
Mary: Well, now you're headed into secret territory.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
George Sr.: I'm glad we're not having our once-a-week 'cause I am not in the mood.
Mary: Really? That's too bad.
George Sr.: Why? Are you?
Mary: No!
George Sr.: That was uncalled for.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
Meemaw: What's he got in there?
Mary: Everything.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
Mary: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You don't need to announce to people how things smell.
Quote from the episode A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
Mary: These home computers are amazing. I could start a real bookkeeping business with that thing.
Meemaw: And that would go a long way to giving you the financial independence you're looking for.
Mary: Darn tootin'.
Quote from the episode A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
Mary: Sheldon, why are you still up?
Sheldon: We're all gonna die! This isn't funny.
Mary: I know, baby, I know. But you need to understand that sometimes the news says those things just to scare people.
Quote from the episode A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
Missy: We have to go to school, and Sheldon doesn't? That's not fair.
Mary: Sure it is. Sheldon loves school and can't go. You hate school and have to. Fair.
Quote from the episode A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
Meemaw: Look at that. St. Mary drinking alcohol.
Mary: God saw what just happened. He gets it.
Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
Mary: It's not just bookkeeping. I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues you know, plumbing, electric, what have you. And I'd also head the planning committee for all the social events, which, of course, includes the big three: baptisms, weddings, funerals. And here is the cherry on top. The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings-
George Sr.: "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"?
Mary: Exactly. Guess whose job it would be to write those.
George Sr.: Yours.
Mary: Already working on a couple. Listen to this. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
George Sr.: What?
Mary: You know, be one. Like be a Christian. And also B1 the vitamin.
George Sr.: Well, now that you explained it, it's funny.
Mary: Yeah. Might be a thinker. But there's a lot more where that came from.
Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
Mary: You know, my mother's had some luck cutting back on the smoking by chewing that nicotine gum.
Peg: Got some right here.
Mary: So you do.
Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
Pastor Jeff: When we first started dating, everything was wonderful.
Mary: That's when it is wonderful.
Pastor Jeff: All the problems started once we got married.
Mary: Well, marriage will do that to a relationship.
Pastor Jeff: I-I got Selena a credit card to make small purchases for the house. You know ... coffee maker, DustBuster. You know what she did? She went to that Sharper Image store and she bought a massage chair.
Mary: Oh, I sat in one of those at the mall. It was terrific.
Pastor Jeff: It's $2,000.
Mary: Oh. Well, seeing as I know how much you make, you can't afford that.
Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
Pastor Jeff: Got a minute?
Mary: Sure, come on in.
Pastor Jeff: I just wanted to apologize. It was wrong of me to unload my personal business on you. Here it is, your first day and all.
Mary: Oh, that's fine. Always happy to lend an ear.
Pastor Jeff: Great, 'cause I didn't tell you everything.
Mary: Really? 'Cause you told me a lot.
Quote from the episode Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
Mary: We're going to support your brother. Not another word about it.
George Sr.: Can we at least sit in the back?
Mary: Not a word.
Quote from the episode Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
Sheldon: Did you ever have a bully when you were growing up?
Mary: Have you met your grandma?
Quote from the episode Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
Mary: I see that. But you understand that your daughter's being abusive to my son.
Brenda Sparks: Well, maybe your son needs to grow a pair.
Mary: And in due time, he will.
Quote from the episode Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
Brenda Sparks: You know what? I have been nothin' but nice to you and your family since the day y'all moved in, and I'm over it. Watching you walk around all holier than thou, like you're better than everyone else. Well, guess what, you're not.
Mary: I'm gonna pray for you!
Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Confiscating your comic books. You can have them back when you're 18.
Sheldon: You're taking Casper the Friendly Ghost?
Mary: Ghosts are sacrilegious. Nothing friendly about that.
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