Mary: Actually, um... I might have overstepped yesterday. In fact, I... think there might be some value in the kids hearing some of these things from people other than their parents.
Pastor Rob: Great. [chuckles] Hey, maybe it's something you and I could do together?
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, this was your idea.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, but you've got way more experience. With kids, I mean.
Mary: [chuckles] I know what you meant.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] Plus, it would be great for them to hear from a woman. So, either you or Peg, so...
Mary: Oh. I want to scare them, but not that much.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, people have had some strong feelings, but I think if they heard us out, they'd see we're not putting impure thoughts in anyone's heads. Right, Mary?
Mary: No. I mean, I mean, yes, we're not. I mean, if we're upsetting people, we should just back off.
Pastor Jeff: Exactly. The talk is off. I never want to talk about the talk again.
Mary: Hallelujah.
Pastor Jeff: If you'll excuse me, I have 14 phone calls to return.
Pastor Rob: Well, sorry this didn't work out.
Mary: It's probably for the best. [inner monologue] Do not look at his butt. Do not look. Okay, do not look again.

Mary: I thought you'd be at work.
George Jr.: I work nights this week.
Mary: Oh, I didn't realize the Laundromat was open late.
George Jr.: I did that. People work during the day, it seemed like an untapped market.
Mary: Smart. You know, if you want to advertise your new hours, you could take out an ad in the church bulletin.
George Jr.: That ain't a bad idea.
Mary: Maybe I'm where you get it from. Oh! It could say something like, "Jesus washes away your sins, and we'll wash away your stains."
George Jr.: [chuckles] Wow! You are really good at this. [Mary laughs] [Georgie rolls his eyes]

Mr. Lundy: Attagirl! They've already seen the before. Let's show 'em the after. Here. Try this.
Mary: That's awfully red.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly. And when you see red, what comes to your mind?
Mary: Satan.
Mr. Lundy: Glamour. Sex appeal, a little va-va-voom!
Mary: I don't know.
Mr. Lundy: You are not just selling makeup. You are selling power, you are selling confidence, and that starts right here. Now are you a powerful, confident woman?
Mary: Yes.
Mr. Lundy: Slather this on. Let's try again.
[later:]
Mr. Lundy: Somebody call highway patrol. This billboard is causing accidents.
Mary: Really?
Mr. Lundy: You had the va, then you got another va, now you got the voom. Sell me some makeup.
Mary: Hello there.
Mr. Lundy: Now I'm listening.

Mary: So, today I thought maybe we'd mix things up a little bit, and do some reading from Esther.
Betty: I don't think I've ever read Esther.
Mary: Oh, you are in for a treat. There is some good stuff in here. Let us open our Bibles to, uh, chapter two, verse 12. "Before a young woman's turn came to go into King Xerxes, she had to complete 12 months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women: six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics." Did anyone else realize that cosmetics were right here in the Bible? I just find that fascinating.
Betty: Uh, well, t-this next verse talks about her being a concubine.
Mary: Hey, hey, don't skip ahead. We're still talking cosmetics. Did you know that Esther used her beauty to stop a genocide?
Ann: Really?
Mary: Sometimes, I think we forget how powerful beauty can be. But I know I sure feel powerful when I'm wearing this new line of Mary Kay cosmetics. Take a gander, ladies.

Mary: Esther would be so proud. This is a face that would stop the spilling of blood.
Ann: You think?
Mary: I do. Now, if you order the starter package today, I will throw in the spring palette.
Ann: Sold.
Mary: Oh, praise the Lord. Now who's next?

Sheldon: [on the phone] Mom, can I please be picked up later?
Mary: No. Your meemaw's already on her way.
Sheldon: But the people next door want me to try an egg roll.
Mary: What people? Don't take food from strangers.
Sheldon: They're not strangers. They're Oscar and Darren.
Mary: Well, they're strangers to me.
Sheldon: Well, maybe when Meemaw gets here, she can wait in the car for a few hours.
Mary: That is not happening, and you know it.
Sheldon: Can we at least have Chinese food for dinner?
Mary: I'm making Rice-A-Roni. Does that count?
Sheldon: Nothing Chinese ends in "a-roni."
Mary: Well, their loss.

Mary: What is your problem?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter.
Mary: Hey. [sighs] If something is going on, tell me.
George Sr.: [sighs] They're coming after me at work.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: The boosters. They want a new coach.
Mary: Are you getting fired?
George Sr.: I don't know. Maybe. Don't you have to go?
Mary: [hugs George] I'm sorry.
George Sr.: [sniffles] Thank you.

Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!

Mary: Who said you could go to Fort Davis?
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer.
Mary: Well, I didn't say you could go.
Sheldon: It's fine. I'll be with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: For how long?
Sheldon: Three days.
Mary: And they're okay with this?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't they be?
Mary: No reason.

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

Mary: Let's just eat.
Sheldon: Without praying?
Mary: [chuckles] How silly of me.
George Sr.: You all right?
Meemaw: Well, she's had a whole beer, so who knows.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Can we just pray? [sighs] Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it. And forgive me for that beer. My mother made me do it. Amen.
Meemaw: Snitch.

Meemaw: You were saying?
Mary: I was just thinking about when I was pregnant with Georgie, and... how hard that must've been for you. I'm sorry.
Meemaw: Georgie got that girl pregnant?!
Mary: Keep your voice down. And... yes.
Meemaw: Oh...

Mary: When do we get to sit down with her and talk this through?
George Jr.: Ah, yeah, here's the thing about that: she ain't real eager to meet y'all.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Did you want to meet George's parents when he knocked you up?
Mary: I was not "knocked up," I was with child. And he's right there. [Georgie waves to Meemaw]

Mary: So, you're Catholic?
Mandy: I'm not really anything.
Mary: But you'll be raising this child with some sort of religious upbringing.
Mandy: [chuckles] I haven't really thought about it.
Mary: Well, that's one of the things we can help with, starting with grace.
George Jr.: Mom...
Mary: We're starting with grace! [all hold hands] Heavenly Father...
Mandy: Why not heavenly mother?
George Jr.: [whispers] Don't, just don't.
Mary: Heavenly Father, bless this food and the hands that prepared it. And thank you for bringing Mandy into our family and watch over this child as he or she grows and becomes a God-fearin' Baptist, amen.
George Sr.: Amen.
Meemaw: Smooth.

Mary: I just think that God wants children raised within the bonds of holy matrimony.
George Sr.: Mary, they already made one giant mistake, they don't have to make another.
Mandy: So, marrying me was a mistake?
George Sr.: I'm not talking about us, I'm talking about them.
Mary: I think we all know who you're talking about.
George Sr.: You really want to do this now? You're honestly happy with how your life turned out? You have no regrets?
Mary: That "giant mistake" gave us our children who I love very much.
Meemaw: [whispers] What about your husband?
Mary: Oh, I love him just fine!
George Sr.: Oh, nice, put that on a Hallmark card.
Mary: What do you want me to say?
George Sr.: I want you to admit that this marriage hasn't exactly been a bed of roses.
Mary: Wake up, no marriage is a bed of roses!
George Sr.: Well, then I guess we nailed it!
Mary: I guess we did! And that kid is gonna be Baptist!
Meemaw: So, Mandy, glad you came? [tops up her drink from a flask]

Pastor Rob: Knock, knock.
Mary: Oh, hi.
Pastor Rob: Just thought I'd show you how to do it on the first try. [Mary chuckles softly] You all right?
Mary: Um... Yeah. Just, you know, life.
Pastor Rob: Mm. I've heard that can be rough.
Mary: Mm.
Pastor Rob: Well, if you ever want to talk or... grab a smoke, I'm around.
Mary: I'm good, thanks. [chuckles] Although, um... A cigarette doesn't sound bad.
Pastor Rob: I was hoping someone would help me get to the end of this pack.
Mary: Then we're quitting.
Pastor Rob: Absolutely.
Mary: It's a disgusting habit.
Pastor Rob: Filthy.

Pastor Rob: So, how are you doing with all this?
Mary: Oh. Disappointed. Angry, upset, scared.
Pastor Rob: So all the emotions. Got it.
Mary: And I'm worried that if he doesn't marry this girl, the congregation's gonna turn on me.
Pastor Rob: They might. [exhales] But that's putting man before God.
Mary: What do you mean?
Pastor Rob: Well, you're caring more about what people think than what God thinks.
Mary: I'm not caring more. I just don't have to bump into God at the grocery store.
Pastor Rob: I don't think He does his own shopping.

Mary: [chuckles] Well, at this point, it doesn't matter, because she doesn't want to get married.
Pastor Rob: Well, I can talk to her if you want.
Mary: Mm.
Pastor Rob: I'm pretty good with young people.
Mary: She's 29.
Pastor Rob: Also pretty good with people my own age. [Mary chuckles]