Mary: I just think that God wants children raised within the bonds of holy matrimony.
George Sr.: Mary, they already made one giant mistake, they don't have to make another.
Mandy: So, marrying me was a mistake?
George Sr.: I'm not talking about us, I'm talking about them.
Mary: I think we all know who you're talking about.
George Sr.: You really want to do this now? You're honestly happy with how your life turned out? You have no regrets?
Mary: That "giant mistake" gave us our children who I love very much.
Meemaw: [whispers] What about your husband?
Mary: Oh, I love him just fine!
George Sr.: Oh, nice, put that on a Hallmark card.
Mary: What do you want me to say?
George Sr.: I want you to admit that this marriage hasn't exactly been a bed of roses.
Mary: Wake up, no marriage is a bed of roses!
George Sr.: Well, then I guess we nailed it!
Mary: I guess we did! And that kid is gonna be Baptist!
Meemaw: So, Mandy, glad you came? [tops up her drink from a flask]

Sheldon: Regardless, I'm not interested in making any more friends.
Mary: Oh, I don't think that's how you really feel.
Sheldon: It is. From now on, it's a hermit's life for me.
Mary: I bet, when you grow up, you will be surrounded by lots of smart, wonderful friends.
Sheldon: I can't see that happening.

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: [turns around] What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Mary: Sheldon Lee Cooper, if you don't finish that pork chop, I swear I will chew it up and spit it in your mouth like a mama bird.
Missy: Do it, Mom. Do it.

George Jr.: Okay, in my defense...
Meemaw: You have no defense. You're an idiot.
George Jr.: That was a big part of my defense.

Mary: Maybe it would be better if you went to your parents with, um, good news first.
Mandy: And what would that be?
Mary: Well... everybody loves a wedding.
George Sr.: Would you stop with that?
Mary: It needs to be discussed.
Mandy: No, it doesn't. I'm having a baby, I don't need to marry another one.
George Jr.: I know I'm young now, but think about it... When you're a dried-up old lady, I'll be your hot trophy husband.
Meemaw: Maybe her dad should put you down.

Billy Sparks: You like meatloaf?
Missy: Yeah, is that what we're having?
Billy Sparks: No, just making dinner conversation.