George Jr.: I got another one. In The Shining, Jack Nicholson goes nuts and chases people around with an ax-
Meemaw: One question each.
George Jr.: Dang it.

George Jr.: How do relationships work for old people? When you were young, you didn't think old women looked hot. But now that you're old, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a very interesting question.
Mary: Can I speak to you in the kitchen?
George Sr.: I want to hear the answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've always found your grandmother to be very hot stuff.
George Sr.: All right, let's go.
George Jr.: But you can see her wrinkles, right?

George Jr.: What time do I need to be there to set up?
Mary: Noon's fine.
George Sr.: What, you're helping out?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: I want to support Mom. And God.
Missy: You're just doing it 'cause Veronica's gonna be there.
George Jr.: And who made Veronica?

George Jr.: Got your beer.
Meemaw: They give you any problem?
George Jr.: Nah. Change.
Meemaw: You keep it. Hey. I may be too drunk to drive, but I still can count to six. [chuckles]

George Jr.: [answering phone] Hello.
Lisa: Hi, Georgie. It's Lisa, from English class.
George Jr.: Oh, hey. What's up?
Lisa: I was wondering if you could help me with our homework.
George Jr.: Crap, we have homework?
Lisa: You're so funny.
George Jr.: I think so. Most people don't.

Lisa: Hi, Georgie.
George Jr.: Hey.
Lisa: I like that jacket.
George Jr.: Then you'll probably like my pants; they're made of the same stuff.

Mary: Well, I don't think it's right that-
George Jr.: [TV turns on] Sup.
Mary: Excuse me. Can't you see that your father and I are talking?
George Jr.: Yeah, but you can talk anywhere, and this is the only room in the house with a TV.
George Sr.: Get out of here.
George Jr.: Suit yourself. But I'd like to point out, if you'd let me buy a TV for my bedroom, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?

George Jr.: Mom says you're sick.
Missy: [whispering] He's faking.
George Jr.: Really? [closes door] Why? You love school.
Sheldon: Swim test.
George Jr.: Oh, sure. You would die.

George Jr.: They call it "Hot Dog on a Stick," but that's not the only food on a stick they sell.
Missy: It's not?
George Jr.: They also got cheese on a stick.

Missy: There he is again.
George Jr.: Why don't you go talk to him?
Missy: Are you crazy? Look how beautiful he is.
George Jr.: Sorry, the only guy I'm calling beautiful is me. And maybe David Hasselhoff.

George Jr.: Just say hi, keep it casual, pretend like you don't care that much.
Missy: But I care the most.
George Jr.: See, that's gonna freak him out.
Missy: How do you know?
George Jr.: 'Cause it's freaking me out. Now go. [later, shouting:] No touching! That's right, you heard me!

George Jr.: [o.s.] It's actually a shampoo for ladies, but my hair just responds to it.

Jana: This is nice.
George Jr.: I like to think of Chi-Chi's as a more romantic Taco Bell.

Jana: So you're saying you have no feelings for her at all?
George Jr.: I wasn't at the restaurant with her, I was there with you.
Jana: That doesn't answer my question!
George Jr.: I was hoping you wouldn't pick up on that.
Jana: Did you take me there on purpose?
George Jr.: Hold on a second. Is this one of those fights where we end up making out in the back seat?
Jana: No.
George Jr.: That's too bad.

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And thank you for Georgie getting his job back. Amen.
All: Amen.
George Sr.: That was nice of Dale.
George Jr.: I know. He even forgave me for egging his store.
Missy: You went egging without me?
Mary: Georgie Cooper!
George Jr.: Dale already forgave me, and God has to. You can't get mad.
Missy: Ha. Burn.

George Jr.: Hey, can I ask my girlfriend to the prom on TV? It would blow her mind.

George Jr.: I think Dad would love that you're into stuff like this.
Mary: I'm sure he would. He took me to see Mad Max twice.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Actually... the second time, we couldn't find a sitter, so we brought you along.
George Jr.: How old was I?
Mary: I don't know... four?
George Jr.: No wonder I'm so cool.
George Jr.: So, why you hiding it?
Mary: Well, 'cause I'm supposed to be a good Christian. Clearly this is something I need to work on.
George Jr.: Well, before you fix it, you've got to watch Die Hard 2. Bruce Willis stabs a guy in the head with an icicle.

Sheldon: I've never operated a fork with my left hand before. I hope this goes well.
George Jr.: When my buddy Mikey got the cast off his leg, you would not believe how skinny and smelly it was. Like beef jerky with toes.

George Sr.: George, your mother works for the church. This doesn't look good.
George Jr.: I don't know, looks pretty good to me.
George Sr.: [sighs] Please, listen to me.
George Jr.: Come on. If I drive Sheldon to college, he can sleep back there.
George Sr.: So, you saw that couch, and the first thought you had was, "My brother can sleep on that"?
George Jr.: Not my first thought.

George Jr.: Well?
Jana: It's very... colorful.
George Jr.: Not just colorful. Patriotic.
Jana: It's also a little gross.
George Jr.: It just needs a little shampoo. But check out the best part. [pulls out bed] Want to try it out?
Jana: In front of your parents' house?
George Jr.: That's what's so great. We can drive it anywhere. Empty field, abandoned parking lot. Wherever love takes us.
Jana: [sniffs] What is that smell?
George Jr.: There was a mouse in the mini fridge.
Jana: Ew!
George Jr.: Did you hear me? There's a mini fridge!