Mary: Brought you some food. Don't tell your father.
George Jr.: Thanks. Want to come in? It smells less disgusting now.
Mary: I'm... really good here. Georgie, um, this is a... nice van, but why don't you think about selling it so you can come back inside?
George Jr.: No. I'm not letting him win this one.
Mary: [sighs] You know you can't live in here.
George Jr.: Why not?
Mary: It's hot out.
George Jr.: The windows roll down.
Mary: How are you gonna take a shower?
George Jr.: It's supposed to rain this weekend.
Mary: What about a bathroom?
George Jr.: See that bucket?
Mary: Good night.

George Jr.: Hey.
Dale: [yelps] I'm on medication, you know. Wh-What are you doing in there?
George Jr.: Just washed up in your sink. Don't want to offend the customers.
Dale: Why?
George Jr.: My dad's mad 'cause I bought a van, and he's not letting me use the house.
Dale: Oh. So that's your old Chevy parked out front?
George Jr.: Pretty sweet, right?
Dale: You have a clean title on it?
George Jr.: Pretty much. I think it's registered in Mexico.
Dale: Well, that's something.
George Jr.: But it's got a bed and a mini fridge.
Dale: Wow. Sweet.
George Jr.: I'm gonna hang some twinkle lights and maybe get a lava lamp.

George Jr.: I got it.
Jana: Anybody see you?
George Jr.: No. And I didn't recognize the guy behind the counter, but I used an Italian accent just in case.
Jana: Please tell me you're joking.
George Jr.: [Italian accent] Oh, I'm-a no joking.
Jana: Oh, God.
George Jr.: Here. Do it.
Jana: I can't do it here. I have to pee on it.
George Jr.: Okay, fine. Although we've done crazier stuff in this truck.

[fantasy:]
Jana: I'm pregnant. You sure I'm not too heavy?
George Jr.: No, I got it. I guess it's time to do what people do on their wedding night.
Jana: Georgie, we're gonna be parents. We don't do that anymore.
George Jr.: Oh, right.
Jana: Besides, my water just broke all over your bed.
George Jr.: Dadgum it.

[fantasy:]
Jana: Stop having fun, and help me take care of these babies.
George Jr.: But I just got home from my day job. And I only have ten minutes till my night job.
Jana: That's ten minutes you could be helping. Now go change whichever this one is.

[fantasy:]
Mary: Georgie, there's a band called Guns N' Roses on the phone.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah. The guitarist hurt his hand, and they want you to fill in.
George Jr.: [sighs] Tell them I can't. I'm a dad now.
Mary: Okay.

George Jr.: So, what do you want to do?
Jana: Probably something with our clothes on.
George Jr.: No kidding. That was scary.
Jana: Terrifying.
George Jr.: I was afraid I was gonna have to marry you.
Jana: Afraid?
George Jr.: Shaking in my boots.
Jana: And what, exactly, would be so terrible about marrying me?
George Jr.: I didn't say terrible. You can be afraid of things that are great.
Jana: Like what?
George Jr.: Uh... Oh, roller coasters.
Jana: You're an idiot.
George Jr.: Roller coasters is a good answer. I didn't say sharks, which is what I thought of first.
Jana: You're making it worse.
George Jr.: How is I worse? I didn't say it. Roller coasters is a good answer.

George Jr.: Can I take your truck tomorrow?
George Sr.: Well, I think you're riding with me.
Mary: Sorry, I'm taking Missy to school, and Meemaw's taking Sheldon.
George Jr.: Well, can I at least drive?
George Sr.: Sure.
George Jr.: While you hide in the back under a tarp?
George Sr.: [to Mary] Stop praying for him and focus on the other two.

Mary: Did you show your sister Footloose?
George Jr.: Did it work?
Mary: No!
George Jr.: Mm. Then no.
Mary: Oh!

Mary: How's pizza sound for dinner?
George Jr.: You think I'm eating dinner with my mom on a Saturday night? You're adorable.
Mary: Guess I'm eating alone.
George Jr.: What about Missy?
Mary: She's not talking to me.
George Jr.: She'd talk to you if you just let her go.
Mary: You know I can't do that.
George Jr.: Come on. I went to school dances and I turned out fine.
Mary: I didn't let you go to any dances.
George Jr.: I did all kinds of stuff behind your back.
Mary: Like what?
George Jr.: I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb.
Mary: So I'm supposed to just let her do whatever she wants? Yeah, I don't think so.
George Jr.: I'm just saying she's a good kid. Be glad she's still asking.

Missy: You think Judge Wapner and Rusty the bailiff are friends in real life?
George Jr.: Yeah. You can't fake that kind of chemistry.

George Jr.: You know how you love those Richard Simmons tapes?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mr. Lundy: Well, what if I told you we have the next big thing in home fitness videos.
Meemaw: Mm. And what kind of thing would that be?
Mr. Lundy: "Cowboy aerobics". Yee-haw. It's like, um, Sweatin' to the Oldies with a little bit of Southern swagger. [imitates gunshots]
George Jr.: Cool, huh?
Meemaw: So, are y'all just trying to sell me an aerobics tape?
Mr. Lundy: No. No, not at all.
George Jr.: We want you to give us money to make them.
Mr. Lundy: "Invest". He... he means invest.

Mr. Lundy: Well, you are passing a-a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
George Jr.: And how much lifetime do you have left?
Mr. Lundy: That's not helping.
Meemaw: No.
Mr. Lundy: All right, fair enough. Thank you for hearing us out. If you have a change of heart, you let us know.
George Jr.: Screw that. My whole life I've seen you bet on football games, throw away all kinds of money at the track. If you want to gamble on something, why can't it be on your own grandson?
Meemaw: How much money you need?
Mr. Lundy: Well, now, um... how much money did you bet on football last year?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Well, you're not getting that much.

George Jr.: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey. How was school?
George Jr.: Fine. Work?
George Sr.: Fine.
George Jr.: And Mom says we never talk.

George Jr.: Do we have another hair dryer? This one broke.
George Sr.: Just use a towel.
George Jr.: So my hair can look like yours? I don't think so.
George Sr.: Go look in the garage.
George Jr.: Thank you. [exits]
George Sr.: [to himself] I like my hair.

Adult Sheldon: I may have been part of an academic study, but I wasn't the only Cooper on the verge of making a great discovery.
George Jr.: Sheldon's tests. [heavenly choir sings] I'm gonna be rich.

Mr. Givens: Would you like to explain why this was on the copy machine?
George Jr.: Anyone could have left that there.
Mr. Givens: It's your brother's and Tam said it was you.
George Jr.: Fine, but I only left it there because you came in the copy room and I had to hide.
Mr. Givens: What? When? What?
George Jr.: This morning before school.
Mr. Givens: [exhales] Uh... What exactly did you see?
George Jr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Mr. Givens: Well, I don't want you talking about it.
George Jr.: Well, I don't want you talking about this.
Mr. Givens: I don't even know what this is.
George Jr.: I don't even know what I saw.
Mr. Givens: All right, then.
George Jr.: All right.

George Jr.: So you work at the grocery store now?
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
George Jr.: Just out of curiosity, would you say I look 21?
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm, I suppose.
George Jr.: And what nights do you work again?
George Sr.: He's not selling you beer.
George Jr.: Well, of course not. [smiles at John]

Meemaw: Wait, what's an "event horizon"?
Sheldon: It just means the edge.
Meemaw: Why not say "the edge"?
George Jr.: The guitar player for U is called the Edge.
George Sr.: What does that have to do with anything?
George Jr.: I'm participating in the conversation. You're just sitting there like a lump.
Meemaw: [snorts] "Lump."
Sheldon: Anyway, ordinarily, the particles would collide and destroy each other.
Dr. John Sturgis: But in this instance, they could exist simultaneously.
George Sr.: And what is the significance of that? [to Georgie] I can participate, smart-ass.
George Jr.: Good job, lump.

Jana: You sure your boss isn't gonna show up?
George Jr.: Yeah, but not positive. So let's keep this train on the tracks. [pager beeps]
Jana: Aren't you gonna check that?
George Jr.: Nope.
Jana: But what if it's an emergency?
George Jr.: It's not. I'm turning this off. [looks at pager] Dadgummit!