Bruce Willis: [on TV] Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.
Missy: Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?
George Jr.: No one.
Missy: Then why'd he say it?
George Jr.: Well, in the real version, he said a bad word, but they had to change it for TV.
Missy: TV is so lame. What did he really say? [Georgie whispers in Missy's ear] That's so much better.
George Jr.: This movie works on a lot of levels.

Mary: I already know the first change I'm gonna make. Instead of calling it "Hell House," which is a little off-putting, I'm gonna call it "Heck House." Isn't that great?
George Sr.: That is great.
George Jr.: You don't really mean that.
George Sr.: Yes, I do.
George Jr.: Oh, I get it. Happy wife, happy life.
George Sr.: You need to stop talking.

George Jr.: How are you?
Madge: You got I.D.?
George Jr.: Yeah. Dang it. I must have left it in my wife's minivan.
Madge: I can't sell this to you.
George Jr.: I'm 21, I swear. You can ask Dr. Sturgis.
Madge: Who?
George Jr.: The old guy over there. Dr. Sturgis!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hey! [knocks over pyramid of cans]
George Jr.: Never mind.

George Jr.: So I'll pick you up in the morning?
Wade: Well, not too early. I have to walk Mitzy.
George Jr.: Your dog?
Wade: The wife. She got a new hip, and the doc says she needs to keep it moving.

Mr. Lundy: Now, I like the idea of an exercise video. I'm just not sure that weight lifting is the way to go.
George Jr.: Why not?
Mr. Lundy: It's low-energy. You know? We don't want a one-man show. We want Starlight Express.
George Jr.: I don't know what that is.
Mr. Lundy: You'd love it. Andrew Lloyd Webber, people on roller skates. That's a thought. Skater-cise. Do you... do you skate?
George Jr.: No.
Mr. Lundy: Too bad.

George Jr.: So, I could really use your help making it look more professional.
George Jr.: [on tape] That's burn right there. [grunts]
George Jr.: Like, adding a little, you know...
Mr. Lundy: I think the word you're looking for is "pizazz".
George Jr.: Exactly. So, you'll do it?
Mr. Lundy: Well, I'm flattered that you would ask, but exercise videos... That's not really what I do.
George Jr.: But I've seen you on TV.
Mr. Lundy: [in mattress commercial] I'm soft and firm in all the right places.
George Jr.: You've been in plays.
Mr. Lundy: [as Annie] It's all right, Molly. Annie's here.
Mr. Lundy: Don't forget my modeling work.
[shot of Mr. Lundy in an advertisement for "Casa del Queso", home of the big burrito restaurant]
Mr. Lundy: But I have a reputation. When people hear the name Gene Lundy, they expect quality. They expect showmanship. [chuckles] They expect me to get paid.
George Jr.: Oh, I'm gonna pay you.
Mr. Lundy: Let's make an exercise video!

Mary: I'm surprised you're here this morning.
George Jr.: Hey. I got to support my pal.

Wade: I'll take a beer.
George Jr.: Celebrating a win?
Wade: No, I've been losing all morning.
George Jr.: Couple more of them, you won't give a crap.
Wade: Let's hope.

Mildred: You are just the little lifesaver.
George Jr.: No problem, ma'am.
Mildred: You know, we are gonna drive right by that farmers market. You ever had their peaches?
George Jr.: Don't think so.
Mildred: Well, then we have to stop. I'm gonna buy you a peach.
George Jr.: You really don't have to.
Mildred: I insist. And then we'll swing by Braum's so I can pick up some whipped cream. That goes great with peaches.
George Jr.: Okay.

George Jr.: [dials phone] Hello. You paged me?
Mildred: Bruce?
George Jr.: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
Mildred: Oh. I was trying to reach my grandson.
George Jr.: Well, when you do, can you have him tell people this ain't his pager no more?
Mildred: I was hoping he could give me a ride to the drugstore. I need to pick up my prescription.
George Jr.: All right, well, good luck.
Mildred: I took my last heart pill this morning.
George Jr.: Sorry to hear that.
Mildred: I suppose I could walk, if I take it slow.

George Sr.: What the hell's wrong with you? You think it's okay for Billy Sparks to do your work?
George Jr.: I paid him. I tried to give him two dollars, but he only wanted one.
George Sr.: Damn it, Georgie, I'm trying to teach you responsibility. You can't just buy your way out of everything in life.
George Jr.: You sure? 'Cause I'll give you ten bucks to leave me alone right now.

Missy: Aren't you gonna call them back?
George Jr.: No. It's this old lady. She keeps getting me to run her errands and do her chores.
Missy: You don't even do that here.
George Jr.: I know. [pager beeping, vibrating]
Missy: She's not your grandma. Just call her back and say no.
George Jr.: You're right. [picks up phone]
[cut to Georgie and Mildred in his car with a bunch of plants in the back-seat:]
Mildred: Thanks again.
George Jr.: Uh-huh. What're you gonna do with all these plants?
Mildred: Put them in my garden.
George Jr.: Sounds like a lot of work. [Mildred smiles at Georgie] Aw, man.

George Sr.: Why haven't you mowed the lawn?
George Jr.: I been busy.
George Sr.: Well, you're not busy now.
George Jr.: I'm working out. Got the word "work" right there in it.

George Jr.: You sure I can't just lift weights?
Mr. Lundy: Aerobics is the way to go. It's got music. It's got energy. [snaps fingers] It's got what?
George Jr.: Pizazz?
Mr. Lundy: Bingo! Now, hear me out. We surround you with a bunch of dancing girls. No, even better. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
George Jr.: If that's what "pizazz" means, I like it.
Mr. Lundy: [chuckles] Of course, to do this right, we are gonna need some financing. What does your father do for a living?
George Jr.: He's a coach here at the school.
Mr. Lundy: Oof.
George Jr.: I know somebody who's got money.

Peg: So I shacked up with him anyway.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Peg: I mean, what choice did I have? I was pregnant with I don't know whose baby.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.
Peg: Sleeping on my cousin Arlene's couch. Which was in her front yard.
George Jr.: Uh-huh.

Jana: I'm the only cheerleader you should be looking at.
George Jr.: Oh. Hi. Oh, I was trying to find you.
Jana: Just wanted to wish you a good game.
George Jr.: Thank you.
Jana: I'm gonna be cheering for you.
George Jr.: Great.
Jana: Unless I catch you looking at someone else. Then you'll regret it.
George Jr.: [chuckles]
Jana: I'm not kidding.

Mary: Georgie, how was your day?
George Jr.: Pretty good, actually. Me and Mandy went to the baby doctor.
Missy: She actually wanted you there?
George Jr.: Not at first, but I wore her down.

Mary: So, Pastor, are you gonna try and talk things out with Selena?
Pastor Jeff: Well, we're really not on speaking terms, so I'll just be heading back to my office, sleep on the couch.
George Jr.: That's ridiculous. He can stay with us, can't he?
George Sr.: Uh, I guess that'd be okay.
Mary: Of course it would.
Pastor Jeff: Oh. I couldn't possibly impose.
George Jr.: Sure you could. In fact, you can take my room.
Pastor Jeff: Well, y'all are too kind.

George Jr.: Mandy, please. I want to help.
Mandy: He can stay.
George Jr.: Thanks. What can I do?
Mandy: Nothing.
George Jr.: I can do that.

Meemaw: Come on, let's get out of here.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, fine, go ahead.
George Jr.: And we're gonna make our own exercise video without you.
Meemaw: No, we're not.
George Jr.: No, we're not!
Mr. Lundy: And they call me dramatic.