Dr. John Sturgis Quotes

Quote from the episode A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. Can you give me any advice on how to overcome a fear of public speaking?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah, you know, when I was a young man I had a terrible fear of speaking to an audience.
Sheldon: What did you do?
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, it kinda took care of itself. One day I was, uh, playing miniature golf with some colleagues and I got struck by lightning.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it was fine. When I came to, I found myself with the gift of gab. Big crowds, small crowds, you couldn't shut me up.
Sheldon: I don't see how that can benefit me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not unless you'd like me to take you miniature golfing next time there are clouds on the horizon.

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie I found an old-fashioned malt shop where we can have milkshakes and listen to the jukebox, like I never did in high school.

Quote from the episode A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast

Sheldon: Which scientists are you rooting for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I don't have a favorite. There's so much good work being done.
Sheldon: I think it's time Frederick Reines finally gets his due for the neutrino.
Dr. John Sturgis: I suppose he has a shot.
Sheldon: I should think so, he confirmed the neutrino's existence 35 years ago. What the heck are they waiting for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Lots of talented people don't get recognized.

Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello!
George Jr.: Sheldon's not home.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I-I'm here to watch a sporting event with your father.
George Jr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. He only called it "the game," so I don't know which one it is.
George Jr.: Well, this is just great. Come on in.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.
George Jr.: Hey, Dad, Dr. Sturgis is here to watch football with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, football. Good, that was the one I read up on.

Quote from the episode Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] What's on your mind?
Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Meemaw: [on the phone] Listen, I want to warn you about Dale. He's kind of a guy's guy. Sometimes his sense of humor can be a little mean-spirited. Just don't let it hurt your feelings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you don't have to worry about me. We physicists are no strangers to smack talk. I once told Dr. Linkletter he wouldn't know a randomized trial if it crawled up his sphincter.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Dr. John Sturgis: What are you doing here?
Meemaw: Me? What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, this is where I hang out now. I grade papers, I chat with the other patrons. The people who like to bet on football rub my head for luck.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

June: [answering phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, June. John Sturgis here. We met the other day. I'm, uh, the scientist who won over the whole bar.
June: Oh, sure, I remember you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good, good. Anyway, I was wondering if you had any romantic interest in me.
June: Well, you don't beat around the bush, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: In medieval times, hunters used to hire men to beat the area around bushes with sticks in order to flush out game, so no, I guess I don't do that.

Quote from the episode Pasadena

Adult Sheldon: Nothing was able to shake me from my doldrums, not even Dr. Sturgis's jaunty new sweater-vest.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Dr. John Sturgis: You seem distracted.
Sheldon: I really wanted to see Stephen Hawking speak at Caltech, but my parents can't afford the trip.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's too bad. Dr. H puts on a heck of a show.
Sheldon: I believe it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would it make you feel better to know this vest is reversible?
Sheldon: A little. Thanks.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Dr. John Sturgis: [v.o.] Dear Connie, you may have heard I've taken a job at the new supercollider in Waxahachie. I wanted to tell you in person, but, uh, I was afraid you'd be upset. And, honestly... I was even more afraid you wouldn't be.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: This also gives me an excuse to use my astronaut pen. I'm not upside-down, but if I was, it would still write. [laughs]

Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles

Meemaw: Shelly, Dr. Sturgis is on the line for you.
Sheldon: Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but very well. [takes phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hi, Sheldon. I hear you're going through some sort of existential crisis.
Sheldon: I suppose so. I just don't know if we can tell what's real or not. And if nothing's real, I don't know what to think or if I'm even thinking at all.
Dr. John Sturgis: I went through something similar once.
Sheldon: Really? What happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: I was trekking through the Amazon, and I saw two frogs, one hallucinogenic and the other not. [chuckles] I tried to lick the normal one, and, by mistake, I licked the hallucinogenic one. It really rocked my world.
Sheldon: Why would you lick either of them?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not sure. Probably low blood sugar. But the point is, I also lost track of reality.
Sheldon: How did you handle it?
Dr. John Sturgis: I saw a jaguar, and I realized I didn't care if it was real or not. I just hauled my tushy out of there.
Sheldon: I appreciate the call. I'm giving you back to my meemaw now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye!
Meemaw: [quietly on the phone] Hey, John, any luck?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not unless you have access to a jaguar.
Meemaw: I don't think I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really, any jungle cat will do.

Quote from the episode A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science

Dr. John Sturgis: [answers phone] John Sturgis.
Meemaw: Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie. So nice to hear from you.
Meemaw: You'll never guess what I'm doing.
Dr. John Sturgis: Tell me.
Meemaw: I am working on a solar neutrino detector.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wow. I was gonna guess making soft-boiled eggs. [both chuckle]
Meemaw: Yeah, Sheldon and Linkletter asked me to help them out.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. Linkletter's involved.
Meemaw: Oh, well, he's not so bad.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] You and he aren't...?
Meemaw: Oh, no, no, no. I'm still seeing Dale.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay, good. I can handle you with a guy who sells volleyballs, but you with another scientist, that'd be like a dagger in the heart.
Meemaw: [chuckles] No daggers here.

Quote from the episode A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] So tell me about this experiment.
Meemaw: Well, I don't know if you know this, but solar neutrinos are like little messengers from the center of the Sun.
Dr. John Sturgis: I did know that, but it's delightful to hear you say it.
Meemaw: Well, enjoy, 'cause that's about all I remember. [John laughs] So, what's new by you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, let's see... Uh, oh, yesterday I had my first breakfast burrito.
Meemaw: Mm. Good for you. How was it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Confusing. I ordinarily have burritos for lunch or dinner.
Meemaw: [laughs] I don't know how to respond to that.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're working on an experiment and I'm eating dinner for breakfast. It's a crazy world.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Oh, my goodness. Was anyone hurt?
Meemaw: No. But now I got no car for a while.
Dr. John Sturgis: You could ride your bike.
Meemaw: An old lady on a bike? That's not cool.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? Then I won't ask how I look on one.
Meemaw: You look great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. I just wanted to hear you say it. [Meemaw chuckles]

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] So, there's no one who can lend you a car?
Meemaw: There is the church shuttle, but that just feels like it's the end of the line.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I wouldn't say that. There's all sorts of depressing steps before the end. You've got full-time nursing care.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Assisted living.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hospice.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Life support.
Meemaw: Bye, John!
Dr. John Sturgis: Pulling the plug. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then... you make a miraculous recovery!
Meemaw: Great!
Dr. John Sturgis: But... the hospital bills leave you destitute!
Meemaw: Bye.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye.

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

Sheldon: I still don't understand why you'd rather work here than be a physicist.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm enjoying the change of pace. And they let me take home all the expired food I want.

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

Dr. John Sturgis: So, what brings you here?
Sheldon: Well, I did something wrong, and yet I've received no punishment. What's my incentive to behave morally if the rules of society aren't being enforced?
Dr. John Sturgis: Reminds me of the Ring of Gyges.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with the Ring of Gyges.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it's a delightful brainteaser. Plato asked the question: If you could wear a ring that made you invisible, what would prevent you from committing the most horrendous crimes?
Sheldon: Sounds an awful lot like the Ring of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I'm not familiar with The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: Oh, it's a delightful series of fantasy books in which there's a ring that makes the wearer invisible but also leads to moral corruption.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Perhaps you should read Plato, and I should read The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: You should really start with The Hobbit.
Dr. John Sturgis: What's a hobbit?
Sheldon: It's a race of short humanoids who live in burrows and have hairy feet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I've been called that. But I never knew what it was.

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Sheldon: But why are you wasting your time here when you could be doing science?
Dr. John Sturgis: I told you, I'm happy here.
Sheldon: How could you be happy? You have a doctorate in physics, and you're sticking labels to a case of beans.
Dr. John Sturgis: I had to work here a month before they let me use this thing. And yet, I could go buy a real gun on my lunch break. Ha! Texas, huh?
Sheldon: But don't you miss trying to unlock the secrets of the universe?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I spent my life chasing theoreticals. Here, I have tangible accomplishments and I get to listen to relaxing Top 40 music. Do you know this band, Air Supply? They're terrific. [sings] ♫ I'm all out of love ♫ ♫ I'm so lost without you ♫ ♫ I know you were right ♫ ♫ Believing... ♫

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Dr. Linkletter: Well, I'm here to convince you to come back to the university. A mind like yours needs to be working on the advancement of science.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I did that for 50 years. Now I'm content just keeping these cucumbers crunchy.
Dr. Linkletter: But exciting new things are happening in string theory. Don't you want to be a part of that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Wasting years scrambling away at the academic hamster wheel? Constantly worried that your life's work is just one big dead end?
Dr. Linkletter: Sure, some paths of research may not pan out, but we still have to try, right?
Dr. John Sturgis: Do we?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Einstein spent the last 30 years of his life on the grand unified field theory and got nowhere.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I wouldn't say nowhere, but I suppose he never did crack it.
Dr. John Sturgis: And to this day, no one has.
Dr. Linkletter: True.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, most of his major accomplishments occurred when he was a young man, which you and I most certainly are not. [chuckles]
Dr. Linkletter: Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think, "Who is that?"
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to give these cucumbers a spritz?
Dr. Linkletter: No, thank you. Do you sell liquor here?

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Dr. Linkletter: So what does it all mean, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you should ask someone who isn't drinking on a park bench. [both chuckle]
Dr. Linkletter: You work your whole life. It all seems so important at the time, but is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a good question. It puts me in mind of, uh, Camus' The Myth of Siphisus... Siphaphis...
Dr. Linkletter: Sisyphus.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's the guy. Every day he rolled the rock up the mountain, and every day it rolled back down.
Dr. Linkletter: That's what it seems like. But you escaped. You stopped rolling that rock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's what I thought. But every single bag of groceries I fill, there's another one right behind it.