Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

George Sr.: So, what's up? You comin' to me to ask for Connie's hand in marriage?
Dr. John Sturgis: No. But if that were to come to pass, are you authorized to bless the union?
Meemaw: He was joking.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh.

Meemaw: Will you keep an eye on 'em?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I'll try, but if they start running, you may never see them again.

Meemaw: Uh, so, uh, what do you say about 6:00?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a date.
Meemaw: Terrific.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, um, let's not mention this to Sheldon so as to keep him from being underfoot.
Meemaw: Have you been talking to him?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have. See you later.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, thank you for listening.
George Sr.: My pleasure.
Dr. John Sturgis: And if you want to talk about your relationship with Mary, I'm all ears. Intimacy issues, communication difficulties, problems in the bedroom...
George Sr.: Hey! Pool table's open.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah! Wonderful.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] I know you're a human hospital, but the animal hospital isn't answering their phone. Well, is there a doctor who has a soft spot for pets? Maybe a nurse with pictures of cats on her desk? [Dr. Linkletter takes a look under the towel]
Dr. Linkletter: You can hang up the phone, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: I think you know why.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for your time.

Dr. John Sturgis: This is for you. It's cheese and summer sausages.
Mary: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Summer sausage means it doesn't need to be refrigerated.
Mary: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.

Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, do you think we're ever going to unify gravity with the other three fundamental forces?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have a sticky note on my refrigerator which reminds me every day to do just that.

Sheldon: When did you decide to focus your research on quantum-
Mary: Um, Sheldon, I think you're kind of dominating the conversation. Why don't you let your meemaw talk to Dr. Sturgis?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. By all means.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Connie?
Meemaw: Yes, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you smell like chlorine on purpose?

George Sr.: You sure I can't give you a ride home? I can throw your bike in the back of my pickup truck.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, no. I enjoy the night air. Plus, hot dogs and spaghetti is a highly caloric event that demands an aerobic effort on my part.

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Next order of business. I would like to have dinner with you tonight, just the two of us.
Meemaw: Oh, well, that sounds nice. What'd you have in mind?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'd like to come to your house and cook you a Sichuan feast.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, a what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sichuan. It's a style of Chinese cooking I learned when I was traveling through China.
Meemaw: Well, wonderful. I would love that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. Do you have a wok?
Meemaw: I do not.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have a travel wok.

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Meemaw: Oh, my.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know, I look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Dr. John Sturgis: The trick to a successful Sichuan dinner is the Sichuan pepper.
Meemaw: Okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, you may notice your lips and tongue getting numb.
Meemaw: Then why are we eating it?
Dr. John Sturgis: 'Cause it's yummy.

Meemaw: So, what were you doing wandering around China?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, when I'm not doing research or teaching, I enjoy taking the path less traveled.
Meemaw: I'm guessing it's a bike path.
Dr. John Sturgis: As a matter of fact, it was. Everybody in China rides bicycles. It's fantastic.
Meemaw: Did you see the Great Wall?
Dr. John Sturgis: I did. Interesting fact: it's filled with the dead bodies of the people who built it.
Meemaw: You don't say.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hundreds of thousands of them.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for agreeing to the early-bird dinner. When I eat too late, the food just sits right here.
Meemaw: Yeah, gettin' old is no party.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I've had this problem since I was ten. When I was in grade school, my nickname was Old Burpy.
Meemaw: Well, I will not be calling you that.
Dr. John Sturgis: You can if you'd like.
Meemaw: I'm good.

Dr. John Sturgis: You seem quiet. Is everything okay?
Meemaw: Are you not interested in me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course I am. I'm very interested.
Meemaw: Then how come when I I invited you to spend the night, I got rejected?
Dr. John Sturgis: I did do that, didn't I?
Meemaw: Good Lord, yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I can explain.
Meemaw: Please do.
Dr. John Sturgis: I didn't want you to think that I would think that you were the sort of woman who would engage in coitus simply because I cooked you a Sichuan dinner.
Meemaw: It was better before you explained.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

Mary: And what's this? Some kind of antenna?
Sheldon: Yes. It needs to go up on the roof.
Mary: You're not going on the roof.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course he's not. I am.
Meemaw: You're not going, either.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me, I have six years of tai chi under my belt. I have the balance of a jungle cat.
Meemaw: You doing some kind of slow-motion hula dance in the park is not gonna change my mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do much more than just this.