Dr. John Sturgis: "It was very horrible to go mad and know that you were going mad. To know that in a little minute, you would be here physically, and yet all the real essence would be dead and drowned in the black madness."
Sheldon: Bravo. [claps] Now I would like to read one of my favorite passages from the book.
Meemaw: I feel like I am all Asimov'd out. Let's hit the road.
Sheldon: Very well. We can kick off the next meeting with it.
Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps I can bake some cookies. I'm handy in the kitchen, you know.
Dr. John Sturgis: [exhales sharply] I've had them, and they're dry.

Dr. Linkletter: Rule number one, no badmouthing each other to gain favor with Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: Agreed. And whatever happens, we can't let it affect our working relationship.
Dr. Linkletter: Our working relationship is already antagonistic.
Dr. John Sturgis: True. What's next?
Dr. Linkletter: No using Sheldon to win points with Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: But he likes me better than you.
Dr. Linkletter: That's why I brought it up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine!

Dr. Linkletter: I can't believe you'd use our book club to hit on Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: And you didn't, Captain Cookies?
Dr. Linkletter: All right, if we're both gonna pursue her, let's lay down some ground rules.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fair enough.
Dr. Linkletter: And my ginger snaps are moist and delicious!
Dr. John Sturgis: Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Sheldon: Have you read The Gods Themselves?
Dr. Linkletter: "We cannot stop Estwald."
Both: "We are Estwald!"
Dr. John Sturgis: Who's Estwald?
Sheldon: You don't know him either?
Dr. John Sturgis: I know who Asimov is, but I've never read his work.
Dr. Linkletter: Talk about big boy science. The man coined the term "robotics."
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh.
Sheldon: Maybe we could have a book club.
Dr. John Sturgis: My social schedule is astonishingly open.
Dr. Linkletter: What a lovely way to honor Asimov's life.
Sheldon: It'll be like my mom's Bible study, but we know the characters aren't real.
Dr. Linkletter: What book should we start with?
Dr. John Sturgis: That naked one sounded good.

Pat: Y'all must be lost.
Sheldon: Oh, we're not lost. You can't get lost with a AAA TripTik.
Pat: I mean, I don't know where you're trying to be, but this ain't it.
Dr. Linkletter: Message received. We'll be on our way.
Dr. John Sturgis: Please. We have an injured armadillo that needs medical assistance.
Pat: You brought that filthy thing into my bar?
Dr. Linkletter: And now we're taking it out. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: If we could just use your phone.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a shame.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just an armadillo, right?
Sheldon: It didn't seem that way to you in the van.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know it's silly, but... when I saw it lying there all bald and helpless, I thought, "That's gonna be me one day."
Pat: That is the most damn depressing thing I have ever heard.
Dr. Linkletter: The end of life does tend to be depressing.
Sheldon: In New Orleans, they embrace the tradition of a jazz funeral where the deceased are celebrated through music.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true. Barkeep, do you happen to have any Dixieland jazz on the jukebox to celebrate the life of an armadillo?
Pat: Y'all need to leave now.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] I know you're a human hospital, but the animal hospital isn't answering their phone. Well, is there a doctor who has a soft spot for pets? Maybe a nurse with pictures of cats on her desk? [Dr. Linkletter takes a look under the towel]
Dr. Linkletter: You can hang up the phone, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: I think you know why.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for your time.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no, what have I done?
Sheldon: It's still moving.
Dr. Linkletter: Like we should be. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: We need a box and a towel.
Sheldon: We don't need a coffin. The birds will eat it.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's to keep it safe until we find help.
Dr. Linkletter: John, these animals carry all kinds of diseases.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what the towel's for.
Sheldon: This is Texas. Armadillo roadkill is practically the state animal.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm doing it. This is going quite well.
Dr. Linkletter: Feel free to pick up the pace. A butterfly just passed us.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, what's the speed limit?
Sheldon: 75.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I'm going... ten. I'll pick up the pace.

Sheldon: Speaking of slow-moving transportation, did you know that the slowest express train in the world is the Glacier Express in Switzerland?
Dr. Linkletter: I spent a month in Switzerland at CERN.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no! I hit an armadillo.
Dr. Linkletter: So? Just keep driving.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I can't. I have to check on it. [car door closes]
Sheldon: Is he hoping it's alive or dead?
Dr. Linkletter: Alive.
Sheldon: Ugh.

Dr. Linkletter: Don't get bitten. I'm not wrapping you in a towel, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm just giving it water.
Sheldon: Okay, there's a firehouse 28 miles away.
Dr. John Sturgis: I bet they can help.
Sheldon: I was thinking we'd leave it on their doorstep.
Dr. John Sturgis: This isn't a joke. I injured this creature, so I have to take care of it. Do you understand?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry I can't help out on driving duty.
Dr. Linkletter: You really never learned?
Dr. John Sturgis: I got my permit, but I've never been comfortable behind the wheel.
Dr. Linkletter: That's a shame. I do enjoy the tranquility of the open road. I find it produces a Zen-like calm.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm.
Sheldon: You know what else is calming? A fun car game.
Dr. Linkletter: How about this. We'll count out-of-state license plates. First one to a hundred wins.
Sheldon: Not as fun as mine, but very well. Um... Ooh, Oklahoma.
Dr. Linkletter: Silently.
[Dr. Linkletter smiles as Sheldon falls quiet and he can listen to the classical music, only to be interrupted by Dr. Sturgis munching on some chips]

Dr. John Sturgis: Societal norms are different on road trips. Normally, I don't eat junk food, but here, it's tradition. I'm not even sure what a chicharron is.
Sheldon: It's the deep-fried skin of a pig.
Dr. John Sturgis: That seems like something they should say on the bag.

Mary: [on the phone] Dr. Linkletter? Mary Cooper.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, Mrs. Cooper. I assume this is about the upcoming trip and perhaps your very understandable reluctance to let Sheldon come.
Mary: I have to admit I do have some concerns.
Dr. Linkletter: As you should. So, you're saying you'd prefer he not go with us?
Mary: [sighs] But he'd be so disappointed.
Dr. Linkletter: Not more disappointed than me.
Mary: So, you feel good about him going?
Dr. Linkletter: Only if you feel good about it. You're his parent. I'm just an absentminded academic who's never had children.
Mary: Come on, now. You've been such a great help looking after him at college.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, but college isn't the same as three days in a van.
Mary: Huh. Sheldon can be a nervous traveler.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah. Sounds like you don't want him to go.
Mary: No, I do want him to go. I just want to make sure that you and Dr. Sturgis are okay with it.
Dr. Linkletter: ... We're okay with it. If you're okay with it.
Mary: If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.
Dr. Linkletter: Then it would seem we're both okay with it.
Mary: Okay.
Dr. Linkletter: Okay.
Mary: Oh, he's gonna be so happy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh-huh.

Dr. Linkletter: I don't want to get ahead of myself, but the strength of the temperature deviations is looking rather spicy.
Sheldon: How spicy?
Dr. Linkletter: Five microkelvin.
Dr. John Sturgis: Muy caliente.

Dr. Linkletter: What do you think you're doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm changing the estimate to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin.
Dr. Linkletter: I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker. Is this what it looked like?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you, Dicke's estimate is the way to go.
Dr. Linkletter: And I'm telling you we need to use one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. [shakes head]
Dr. John Sturgis: He impugned my mental stability.
Sheldon: Fair enough. Your insult stands.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Beanpole.

Dr. John Sturgis: [stammers] What's this formula? This wasn't here yesterday.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.
Dr. John Sturgis: Was he trying to be funny?
Sheldon: He was giggling at your "feebleminded math." His words.
Dr. John Sturgis: He's trying to approximate the cosmic background radiation by setting it at one Rydberg over Z, and my math is feebleminded? [laughs]

Dr. John Sturgis: You see, humans have evolved as social animals, so your feeling hurt might be a deep evolutionary desire to cooperate with others to ensure your survival.
Sheldon: So, you're saying it makes sociobiological sense to want other people to like me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, and you may even get benefits from it. It's like on that show you enjoy, Star Track.
Sheldon: Trek.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. Captain Kirk can't do it all by himself. He needs Doctor Spock.
Sheldon: Mister.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. And Mister McCoy.
Sheldon: Doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right.
Sheldon: Well, technically, they were his subordinate officers, but Kirk did always deal with them in a friendly manner, so I take your point.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: I suppose I could treat it like an experiment. Run an analysis of the benefits of having people like me.
Dr. John Sturgis: That sounds like an idea the Captain, the Doctor, or the Mister would be proud of.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, you'd think a smart fella like Spock would have a doctorate.
Sheldon: Actually, Spock rejected an offer from the Vulcan Science Academy in order to attend Starfleet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Not the choice I would have made, but I'm happy for him.

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, there's some science to indicate that adolescents process embarrassment with a different part of their brain than adults do.
Sheldon: Really? So maybe Missy's right, and I'm an outlier.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Let's increase our sample size. Andy, would you feel embarrassed talking about sexual intercourse with your mother?
Andy: Uh...
Sheldon: Stammering, red-faced. He does seem embarrassed.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, he may just be embarrassed by the subject in general. How would you feel discussing it with a co-worker? Say- Say me, for example.
[cut to Dr. Sturgis handing his apron in to his manager]
[cut to Dr. Sturgis on his bicycle outside the store with Sheldon:]
Dr. John Sturgis: And now we know conversations like that can cost you your job.
Sheldon: You learn something new every day.

Sheldon: And then Missy said it was embarrassing to talk to our mother about reproduction.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting, yet the two of you are living proof she has at least a working knowledge of the subject.
Sheldon: That's what I said, then Missy said something's wrong with me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I think you're as normal as I am.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, I have been called an odd duck and, one time, a quirky turkey.
Sheldon: Those people were probably jealous.