Dr. John Sturgis Quotes

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

Dr. John Sturgis: So, what brings you here?
Sheldon: Well, I did something wrong, and yet I've received no punishment. What's my incentive to behave morally if the rules of society aren't being enforced?
Dr. John Sturgis: Reminds me of the Ring of Gyges.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with the Ring of Gyges.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it's a delightful brainteaser. Plato asked the question: If you could wear a ring that made you invisible, what would prevent you from committing the most horrendous crimes?
Sheldon: Sounds an awful lot like the Ring of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I'm not familiar with The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: Oh, it's a delightful series of fantasy books in which there's a ring that makes the wearer invisible but also leads to moral corruption.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Perhaps you should read Plato, and I should read The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: You should really start with The Hobbit.
Dr. John Sturgis: What's a hobbit?
Sheldon: It's a race of short humanoids who live in burrows and have hairy feet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I've been called that. But I never knew what it was.

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Sheldon: But why are you wasting your time here when you could be doing science?
Dr. John Sturgis: I told you, I'm happy here.
Sheldon: How could you be happy? You have a doctorate in physics, and you're sticking labels to a case of beans.
Dr. John Sturgis: I had to work here a month before they let me use this thing. And yet, I could go buy a real gun on my lunch break. Ha! Texas, huh?
Sheldon: But don't you miss trying to unlock the secrets of the universe?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I spent my life chasing theoreticals. Here, I have tangible accomplishments and I get to listen to relaxing Top 40 music. Do you know this band, Air Supply? They're terrific. [sings] ♫ I'm all out of love ♫ ♫ I'm so lost without you ♫ ♫ I know you were right ♫ ♫ Believing... ♫

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Dr. Linkletter: Well, I'm here to convince you to come back to the university. A mind like yours needs to be working on the advancement of science.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I did that for 50 years. Now I'm content just keeping these cucumbers crunchy.
Dr. Linkletter: But exciting new things are happening in string theory. Don't you want to be a part of that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Wasting years scrambling away at the academic hamster wheel? Constantly worried that your life's work is just one big dead end?
Dr. Linkletter: Sure, some paths of research may not pan out, but we still have to try, right?
Dr. John Sturgis: Do we?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Einstein spent the last 30 years of his life on the grand unified field theory and got nowhere.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I wouldn't say nowhere, but I suppose he never did crack it.
Dr. John Sturgis: And to this day, no one has.
Dr. Linkletter: True.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, most of his major accomplishments occurred when he was a young man, which you and I most certainly are not. [chuckles]
Dr. Linkletter: Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think, "Who is that?"
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to give these cucumbers a spritz?
Dr. Linkletter: No, thank you. Do you sell liquor here?

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Dr. Linkletter: So what does it all mean, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you should ask someone who isn't drinking on a park bench. [both chuckle]
Dr. Linkletter: You work your whole life. It all seems so important at the time, but is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a good question. It puts me in mind of, uh, Camus' The Myth of Siphisus... Siphaphis...
Dr. Linkletter: Sisyphus.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's the guy. Every day he rolled the rock up the mountain, and every day it rolled back down.
Dr. Linkletter: That's what it seems like. But you escaped. You stopped rolling that rock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's what I thought. But every single bag of groceries I fill, there's another one right behind it.

Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench

Dr. John Sturgis: So how come you're here tonight? Were you too drunk to ride your bike home, too?
George Jr.: My father's mad 'cause I dropped out of school.
Dr. John Sturgis: [chuckles] Ironic. Sheldon's upset 'cause I'm not going back to the university. Look at us. A couple of dropouts.
George Jr.: Don't you have a PhD?
Dr. John Sturgis: Two, but I was trying to find common ground over which we could bond.
George Jr.: All right. You wouldn't believe the day I had. My dad kicked me out. My girlfriend broke up with me. And now I got to find a second job.
Dr. John Sturgis: I drank hooch on a park bench and sang "Lollipop." It was tremendous.
George Jr.: I think I saw you. Were you with some other guy?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes.
George Jr.: What happened to him?

Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

Sheldon: And then Missy said it was embarrassing to talk to our mother about reproduction.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting, yet the two of you are living proof she has at least a working knowledge of the subject.
Sheldon: That's what I said, then Missy said something's wrong with me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I think you're as normal as I am.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, I have been called an odd duck and, one time, a quirky turkey.
Sheldon: Those people were probably jealous.

Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

Dr. John Sturgis: You see, humans have evolved as social animals, so your feeling hurt might be a deep evolutionary desire to cooperate with others to ensure your survival.
Sheldon: So, you're saying it makes sociobiological sense to want other people to like me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, and you may even get benefits from it. It's like on that show you enjoy, Star Track.
Sheldon: Trek.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. Captain Kirk can't do it all by himself. He needs Doctor Spock.
Sheldon: Mister.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. And Mister McCoy.
Sheldon: Doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right.
Sheldon: Well, technically, they were his subordinate officers, but Kirk did always deal with them in a friendly manner, so I take your point.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: I suppose I could treat it like an experiment. Run an analysis of the benefits of having people like me.
Dr. John Sturgis: That sounds like an idea the Captain, the Doctor, or the Mister would be proud of.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, you'd think a smart fella like Spock would have a doctorate.
Sheldon: Actually, Spock rejected an offer from the Vulcan Science Academy in order to attend Starfleet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Not the choice I would have made, but I'm happy for him.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Dr. John Sturgis: Societal norms are different on road trips. Normally, I don't eat junk food, but here, it's tradition. I'm not even sure what a chicharron is.
Sheldon: It's the deep-fried skin of a pig.
Dr. John Sturgis: That seems like something they should say on the bag.

Quote from the episode Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza

Meemaw: This is delicious, but you were not kidding about the spice. I'm about to break a sweat here.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, here's something you might find interesting. Spicy food is typically found in warmer climates because it induces sweating, which in turn, cools people off.
Meemaw: So what does the runny nose do for me?
Dr. John Sturgis: It allows me to, uh, gallantly offer you my handkerchief.
Meemaw: You are such a gentleman.
Dr. John Sturgis: When I was younger, I read a book on etiquette. That's how I know that if I ever have an audience at the Vatican, I should wear evening attire or a sack coat.
Meemaw: I don't know what a sack coat is, but I'm sure you'd look handsome in it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.

Quote from the episode A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Mary. This is John Sturgis, Sheldon's professor and your mother's lover.
Mary: Hi. And "John" was more than enough.

Quote from the episode A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron

Dr. John Sturgis: See, this is why we're great together. You teach me about social etiquette, and I teach you about beaver anuses.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] It is magical.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know "ani" is also acceptable as the plural of "anus"?
Meemaw: And the magic continues.

Quote from the episode A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I believe I have answers to all your questions.
Meemaw: Lay it on me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Time: the event begins at 6:00 p.m. The dress code is: business attire. Dinner will be served, but it's been suggested that we eat first, because the food is dreadful.
Meemaw: Good to know.
Dr. John Sturgis: And last but not least, a camelid is any member of the camelidae family, such as llamas, alpacas or vicuñas. You didn't ask that one, but, uh, it seemed like something you should know.

Quote from the episode A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

Sheldon: Last question. What is the only fermion that may not have an antiparticle?
Dr. John Sturgis: The neutrino, of course.
Sheldon: I'm gonna rule out concussion.
Dr. John Sturgis: To be fair, it was an easy question.
Sheldon: True.

Quote from the episode A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm glad she's doing well. Tell her I say hi.
Mary: I will do that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, no. Uh, tell her I said hello. "Hi" is a bit, uh, casual. Or wait. Greetings. Just say, uh, "Greetings from John."
Mary: You don't sound sure about that.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I don't.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary. I know this must be a hard decision for you. I can't tell you how to parent your child. I don't have children. But... I can tell you... that in all my years in academia, I've never seen a mind like Sheldon's. He's truly extraordinary. And if you let him come here, I promise we'll take good care of him.

Quote from the episode A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey

Dr. John Sturgis: Dr. Linkletter. Please meet my girlfriend, Connie Tucker.
Dr. Linkletter: Nice to meet you, Dr. Tucker.
Meemaw: I'm not a doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I would like to point out, she's quite real.
Dr. Linkletter: I can see that.
Dr. John Sturgis: And our relationship is more than just friends.
Meemaw: That's enough.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, it's flat-out erotic.
Meemaw: Change the subject, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: You got it, girlfriend.

Quote from the episode A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron

Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know that there's a type of vanilla flavoring derived from the anal glands of the North American beaver?
Meemaw: That seems like a fact you could have shared before we started eating.
Dr. John Sturgis: It isn't used very often. I understand it's difficult to, uh, milk the little sacs.
Meemaw: Cool. Okay, new topic.

Quote from the episode Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I need to apologize.
Meemaw: Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I am worrying about it. I didn't realize that with you and I being in a relationship, me wearing your dead husband's clothes would be emotionally challenging for you.
Meemaw: All right, apology accepted.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Meemaw: All right, come on, let's talk about something else.
June: Okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: A lot of people here like to talk about the game.
Meemaw: Really? You speak sports now?
Dr. John Sturgis: I sure do. Check this out. Hey, ref! I suggest you go back to referee school and this time pay attention in class!
Man #1: You tell him, Doc.

Quote from the episode A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like me to sing a cowboy song while we sit around our makeshift campfire?
Sheldon: I would like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: [singing] Oh, pity the cowboy, All bloody and red, For the bronco fell on him, And bashed in his head, There was blood on the saddle, And blood all around, And a great big puddle of blood, On the ground.