Missy: I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Dale: Ah, don't worry about it. It's not your fault.
Missy: It isn't?
Dale: No, I'm the one that let a girl pitch. It's my mistake.
Missy: What? I've won so many games.
Dale: Oh, that was then.
Missy: Why are you being so mean?
Dale: Well, why are you getting so emotional, like women do? Maybe you ought to be a cheerleader.
Missy: You trying to make me mad?
Dale: Is it working?
Missy: Yeah.
Dale: Well, I tell you what, picture my face in the catcher's mitt.

Mary: So, how are you enjoying your first meal with our family?
Dale: Well, everybody's mean. I love it.

Dale: So, as long as we're on the subject, are you seeing anybody else?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: How about that nutty professor?
Meemaw: We're just friends.
Dale: Yeah, well, that's what June and I are... just friends.
Meemaw: So what are we?
Dale: I don't know. What do you want to call it?
Meemaw: I guess, a... committed relationship.
Dale: Mm. Works for me.
Meemaw: Okay. It's settled.
Dale: ... Connie. This relationship is suffocating me. [chuckles]

Meemaw: I think it's nice that y'all get along as well as you do.
Dale: Mm-hmm. Where are we going with this?
Meemaw: Oh, just nothing. Makin' conversation.
Dale: Okay.
Meemaw: You sleeping with her?
Dale: Lord, no. She's my ex-wife. Come on. Oh, my gosh, what kind of sicko sleeps with their ex-wife? Where is this coming from? Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No. I'd just like to know, you know, what kind of relationship we're in. I mean, are we seeing other people or what?
Dale: Connie Tucker, are you asking me to go steady?
Meemaw: You know what I'm asking, jackass.
Dale: [chuckles] All right, all right, all right. You listen to me. Now, I'm 72 years old. Do you think I have enough stamina to go playing around with other women?
Meemaw: You saying the only reason you're seeing me is you're too old and tired to see anybody else?
Dale: [sighs] Give me the Tums.

Meemaw: So, you talk to June lately?
Dale: Uh, not in a couple of days. Why?
Meemaw: Oh, no reason. I was just kind of thinking about calling her myself. I mean, if you're okay with that.
Dale: You want to call my ex-wife, go ahead. Call her.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Dale: Yeah, you would.
Meemaw: Yeah, I would.

Meemaw: She spent 18 years with you. I'd rather learn from her.
Dale: So you can dig up a little dirt on me?
Meemaw: Mm, yeah.
Dale: Well, let me spoil it, then. She's gonna tell you about the time I had a little too much to drink on Halloween and I ended up puking in my son's candy bucket.
Meemaw: I bet she tells it better.
Dale: Then there was the time we had a fight - and I locked her out in a hailstorm.
Meemaw: Damn.
Dale: But in my defense, when I locked her out it, it was raining. The hail was heaven-sent.
Meemaw: You're a charmer.

Dale: Way to go. Perfect.
Missy: Thank you, God.
Dale: How about, "Thank you, Coach"?
Missy: Thank you, Coach.
Dale: Too late.

Dale: Boy, for a little guy, he's fast, ain't he?

Dr. John Sturgis: Dale?
Dale: No, I think I know how to fish, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like it.
Dale: Well, maybe that's because all your talking is scaring the fish away.
Dr. John Sturgis: Evidence suggests your theory is incorrect.
Dale: Well, evidence suggests I need another beer.

George Sr.: This sure is a sweet setup.
Dale: Well, now, thank you very much.
George Jr.: This thing is nicer than our house.
George Sr.: It's not nicer than our house.
Dale: Well, don't be too sure now. I got microwave and air-conditioning. I got a stack of old Playboys back there in the bathroom.
George Sr.: Okay, maybe.

Meemaw: So, you playin' the Tigers on Saturday?
Dale: Should be an easy win. Their best player's parents are getting a divorce. He's pretty distracted.
Meemaw: Well, there's a lucky break.
Dale: I just hope it drags out through playoffs.

Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!

Dale: My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face-first on the plate, lost a tooth, we won the game. Get this. He finds the tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom. [Meemaw is silent] That's it? You don't understand. He found the tooth-
Meemaw: I got it.

Dale: Well, I mean, how'd you meet this guy? What, did you try to steal his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Meemaw: Okay, okay, he's a very sweet man.
Dale: Well, I bet he is.
Meemaw: If you must know, he's Sheldon's college professor.
Dale: Smart, short and weird well, that's the whole package right there.
Meemaw: Hey, okay, that's enough.
Dale: Well, I got to ask. Do you feel like you're dating a supermodel right now?

Meemaw: Hmm. "I overstepped the bounds of friendship. Sorry. John." [answering phone] Hello?
Dale: So, why in the hell would your ex-boyfriend send me a giant cookie?

George Jr.: You're a really good salesman.
Dale: Well, yeah. Not only that, I get a kickback on everybody I send down to Ed's.
George Jr.: You're awesome.
Dale: I know.

George Jr.: Scuse me. You Mr. Ballard?
Dale: Yeah, that'd be me.
George Jr.: I'm Georgie, Connie Tucker's grandson.
Dale: Oh, yeah. The hair. Very pretty.

Meemaw: Oh, my grandson's been wanting some weights.
Dale: Sheldon? Hell, can't he just lift a soup can or something?
Meemaw: The other grandson. The pretty one with the hair.

George Sr.: At least let her throw a few. She got a hell of an arm.
Dale: George, you're a football coach, right?
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
Dale: You gonna put a girl on your team?
George Sr.: It's different. It's a contact sport.
Dale: So is this. She gets up to bat, and someone deliberately throws a ball at her, it's gonna make contact.
George Sr.: You're not even gonna give her a chance?
Dale: No.
George Sr.: Come on, let's get out of here. I'm sorry, honey.
Missy: It's not your fault.
Dale: Bye-bye.

Meemaw: So, how'd you two meet?
Dale: Oh, I've been cutting his mom's hair for years.
Meemaw: Oh, that's nice.
Dale: Bet you when she cuts your hair, you get a lollipop, don't you?
June: Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
Dale: Really? Is that so?
Meemaw: Dale.