Dale: Hey. You ready for dinner?
Meemaw: Do I look ready?
Dale: No. How was your day, dear?
Meemaw: Well, I ran out of quarters. Then I had to break up a fight over a dryer sheet. Then washer number three overflowed again.
Dale: Oh. Well, I had a nice day. I got to pet a horse. Come on, let me take you to dinner.
Meemaw: Dinner's not gonna fix this mess.
Dale: Yeah, I was counting on margaritas to do the heavy lifting.

Dale: What about Georgie's idea?
Meemaw: That dumb Chuck E. Cheese thing? Dale, come on.
Dale: Well, actually, I think it's kind of brilliant.
Meemaw: You think that grown-ups are gonna gamble for some stuffed animals?
Dale: Yeah, that you're buying back from them.
Meemaw: Well, a teddy bear's only worth a couple of bucks.
Dale: It's worth whatever you say it's worth. They win a hundred bucks, then it's worth a hundred bucks.

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.

Georgie: Can I talk to you?
Dale: Am I in trouble?
Georgie: No. It's about a girl.
Dale: Oh. You're in trouble. Yeah, sure.

Georgie: I'm not really in trouble. I'm just dating this girl, and she's a little older than me.
Dale: What's the problem?
Georgie: She doesn't exactly know how much older than me she is.
Dale: How much older is she?
Georgie: Like ten years. But she's blond and she's really hot.
Dale: Well, that doesn't matter. I mean, if you're lying to her, that's not okay.
Georgie: Hold on. You're saying if you were my age and dating this hot girl, you'd tell her the truth and blow your chances?
Dale: Well, that's not the question you asked me.

Georgie: So, what would you really do?
Dale: [exhales] She married?
Georgie: No.
Dale: She got kids?
Georgie: No.
Dale: I don't see the problem.
Georgie: Thank you.
Dale: My pleasure. You're like the son I never wanted.

Meemaw: At what age do guys stop acting like idiots?
Dale: Oh, no. What'd I do now?
Meemaw: Not you. Georgie's dating an older woman and he's lying about his age.
Dale: Oh. That rascal.
Meemaw: You already knew.
Dale: You don't know what I know.
Meemaw: I see it in your face.
Dale: [sighs] Fine.

Meemaw: Well, I hope you told him that he has to come clean.
Dale: ... I did.
Meemaw: Sounds like there's a "but" on the way.
Dale: [sighs] But then he asked me what I would've done.
Meemaw: Dale.
Dale: Well, uh, you don't know all the facts.
Meemaw: What are the facts?
Dale: [clears throat] He said that she was blond and hot.
Meemaw: And that makes it okay to lie?
Dale: At my age, no. At his age...? [off Meemaw's look] No.

Meemaw: The gambling room's doing well.
Dale: I can see that, Scarface. But why is it here?
Meemaw: Well, I can't exactly take it down to the bank.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: They'd bust me for money laundering.
Dale: Well, it's small bills. Tell them you're a stripper.
Meemaw: It's $14,000.
Dale: Well, tell them you're a good stripper.

Dale: Cubic zirconium. Look into it.
Meemaw: Would you stop?
Dale: She'll never know.
Georgie: No, I got to get the real thing. It's important.
Meemaw: [to Dale] Learn from him.

Pastor Jeff: I can't believe you're running a gambling room.
Meemaw: Well, it's keeping us safe right now, so maybe the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Dale: Ooh, that's good.
Pastor Jeff: Or maybe He sent that storm so I could save all these souls.
Dale: Ooh, that's good, too. [thunder crashes]

Dale: You know something? I think that tornado had a silver lining.
Meemaw: Oh, and what would that be?
Dale: It just blew you right in to where you're supposed to be.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You mean it destroyed my house so you could have sex in the middle of the day?
Dale: No. Well, yeah. Making love and living together.
Meemaw: Well, I don't want to live together. This is temporary.
Dale: Pretty tough talk for a woman who didn't have tornado insurance. [Meemaw lets go of Dale's hand and sits up] Oh, no, come on! I was joking.
Meemaw: Do you think I'm stupid just because I didn't have tornado insurance?
Dale: We are in Texas.

Dale: How'd your meemaw seem this morning?
Missy: Cranky.
Dale: Well, she's always cranky. Can you be more specific?
Missy: You may need more flowers.

Georgie: Scuse me. You Mr. Ballard?
Dale: Yeah, that'd be me.
Georgie: I'm Georgie, Connie Tucker's grandson.
Dale: Oh, yeah. The hair. Very pretty.

Dale: My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face-first on the plate, lost a tooth, we won the game. Get this. He finds the tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom. [Meemaw is silent] That's it? You don't understand. He found the tooth-
Meemaw: I got it.