George: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.

George: Hey, there's John up here on the right.
Dale: Are you sure that's not a garden gnome?

Dale: I-I just don't understand why you want to go out with her.
Meemaw: You don't? She seems like fun.
Dale: Well, yeah, she is, until you marry her and then you find her sleeping upside down in the closet. No, I mean, seriously. You don't think that having drinks with my ex-wife is a little weird?
Meemaw: You went camping with John.
Dale: Oh, it was weird.

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Dale: Well, I got money in the bank, and you got some in a suitcase. Well, we could put it together, we could travel, we could buy a vacation home.
Meemaw: Well, I can't just up and leave. I mean, I got the gambling room.
Dale: Georgie can take care of that, and besides, what's the use of having all that money and not enjoying it?
Meemaw: I guess.
Dale: God, we could go to Mexico and get a cabana and spend days on the beach.
Meemaw: And our nights on the toilet? [both laugh]
Dale: Yeah, doesn't sound half bad.

Meemaw: Want to share a pitcher of margaritas?
Dale: Oh, something we can both enjoy? That doesn't sound like you.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, what?
Dale: Don't worry about it.
Meemaw: What, you-you just gonna sit there and pout and not tell me?
Dale: I was talking about us traveling together, and instead, you went out and bought a yellow clown car.

Georgie: Can I talk to you about something?
Dale: Come on, this is my coffee time.
Georgie: It's more important than your coffee.
Dale: If I don't drink my coffee, I don't go to the bathroom. That's important.
Georgie: That girl I was seeing is pregnant.
Dale: You win. Sit.

Mary: Oh. I didn't realize my mom had company.
Dale: Yeah. Uh, do I have to pretend I didn't spend the night here, or...? I don't know how this works.
Mary: It's fine, uh... you could've said nothing, but now I know.
Dale: Yeah. What's with the pancakes?
Mary: Oh, I made extra, so I was just bringing 'em by.
Meemaw: [o.s.] Who's at the door?
Dale: It's Mary! She knows I slept with you. Come on in.

Dale: I was trying to convince your mom to go fishing with me.
Mary: Oh, fishing, that could be fun.
Meemaw: I ain't going fishing. I'd go to a flea market.
Mary: Oh, I do love a flea market.
Dale: Eh, I don't want to buy some dead guy's pants.
Mary: Oh, the outlet malls are still having their holiday sales.
Dale: I'd rather die and have you sell my pants at the flea market.

Dale: [sighs] All right, well, let's break it down. If you don't go on the date, Mandy might be upset with you.
Georgie: Right.
Dale: But if you do go, you might feel guilty.
Georgie: Right, but if I don't go, the new girl's gonna get stood up, and she'll be mad.
Dale: Georgie, you can't live your life afraid that women are gonna get mad at you. It's just what they're born to do.
Georgie: Makes sense.
Dale: I'm not a woman. I'm mad at you right now.

Dale: Anyone suspicious hanging around?
Meemaw: Just a crazy old man with a bat.
Dale: I'm just trying to make sure that you're safe.
Meemaw: That's very sweet, but I-I can handle it.
Dale: You can, huh? You ever think this might have been an inside job? Like, any one of these clowns here could have been part of the crew that ripped you off last night?
Meemaw: And now they're sitting here giving me my money back?
Dale: Mm. Not all criminals are masterminds, Connie.
Meemaw: Okay, fine. What's your plan?
Dale: Until we track down the guys or girls... I'm a- I'm a modern thinker... I'll be around, acting as a deterrent... with my friend here.
Meemaw: Lil' Slugger.
Dale: Yeah. It only looks small 'cause I'm so big.

Georgie: I thought one of our neighbors might have a security camera, and Sensei Bruce at the karate studio came through.
Dale: Oh, good job, Georgie.
Meemaw: And what'd you see?
Georgie: A pickup truck driving away from our back door at 2:15 in the morning.
Dale: Ooh, now we got him. Or her.

Georgie: Well, backyard's clear.
Dale: All right. Copy.
Georgie: Saw some skunks.
Dale: That'll work for us. That's nature's alarm system.

Dale: Well, I saw them sneaking around outside. They was clearly casing the place. So I grabbed Lil' Slugger and I went out the front porch and I let 'em know who they was messing with.
Meemaw: You think they'll be back?
Dale: Nah, they ran away like two little girls. [chuckles]