Mary: [on the phone] Hi, Pastor Jeff. Can you come over right now? I need you to save someone's soul.
[Cut to Mary opening the front door to Pastor Jeff, who is holding his bible:]
Pastor Jeff: Whose soul needs saving? Is it Sheldon? I've been waiting for this.
Mary: No. We're still praying for him. Come in, we don't have much time.

Mary: We have to say something.
George: Or we mind our business.
Mary: It is a sin, George.
George: And like a good Christian, I choose to forgive them.

Audrey: You know, I was thinking, for your something old, you could wear my veil.
Mandy: You know, Georgie's 11 years younger than me. I-I think I am the something old.
Audrey: [chuckles] Don't worry. When he loses all his hair, he's gonna look way older than you.
Mandy: Aw. Thanks.

Georgie: It's for my daughter. Mom baptized her in the kitchen sink, and Mandy's mom did it in a Catholic church.
Sheldon: Sure. Baptists versus Catholics. Much blood was shed over that in the 1500s.

Mary: Well, Mandy said that you don't go to church that often, so... how Catholic could you be?
Audrey: That's a funny question coming from a woman who left her own church.
Mary: I went back. And... my granddaughter is not gonna be raised Catholic. She's gonna worship Jesus, not the Pope.
Audrey: We don't worship the Pope.
Mary: Well y'all sure bought him a pretty fancy car.

Georgie: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Georgie: Mandy and I had a little disagreement. I'm giving her some space to cool off.
Sheldon: That seems wise. You can be quite annoying.
Georgie: I thought you were staying at your dorm.
Sheldon: I was. My roommate violated my Tandy.
Georgie: Who's Tandy? [Sheldon points to his computer] Oh. That's sick.
Sheldon: That's what I said.

[After Sheldon storms off with his upgraded computer:]
Jim: He gonna be okay?
George: Oh. Tonight, sure. Big picture? [shrugs]
Adult Sheldon: I've got a hot wife and a Nobel Prize. I turned out fine.

Mandy: They're making decisions about our child without talking to us. That's totally unacceptable.
Georgie: I'm right there with you. Not cool.
Mandy: Okay, so what are we gonna do about it?
Georgie: Well, I'm gonna talk to both of 'em and make it real clear there'll be no more baptizing. We are done with that.
Mandy: I forget sometimes what a child you are.
Georgie: You know, when you say hurtful stuff like that, you sound a little like your mother.
Mandy: Say that again.
Georgie: Kind of wish I never said it the first time.
Mandy: Mm-hmm.
Georgie: [quietly] Why do I even talk?

Pastor Jeff: What's going on?
Mary: Mandy and Georgie are out, so I was hoping that maybe we could sneak in an early baptism for CeeCee.
Pastor Jeff: You know we don't do infant baptism.
Mary: Yeah, yeah. But I'm afraid that if we don't do it now, CeeCee's gonna end up... Catholic.
Pastor Jeff: They do love to get 'em early.
Mary: Yes. Come on.

Pastor Jeff: Do you trust in Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior? [CeeCee coos] Close enough. It's on your profession of faith that I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy...
Missy: [enters] Hey.
Mary: Hey, sweetie. How was school?
Missy: What's going on here?
Mary: Just washing CeeCee's hair.
Pastor Jeff: Mm.
Missy: With Pastor Jeff?
Pastor Jeff: It takes a village.
Missy: Whatever. [walks off]
Mary: [whispers] Go, go, go, go.
Pastor Jeff: ... and the Holy Spirit. Amen. [Mary gasps] In your face, Catholics. [they high-five]

Mandy: Hey, would you be upset if we didn't get married by Father Donovan?
Audrey: Did that woman convince you to get married Baptist? She says it's not a cult, but I'm not so sure.

Mary: Shelly, everything okay?
Sheldon: No, it is not. Both my computer and my trust have been betrayed.
George: Okay. Well, we-we're with company now. You can fill us in later.
Sheldon: I won't ruin your dinner with the suspense. Evan upgraded my computer.
Jim: Oh. That sounds nice.
Sheldon: He didn't even ask me.
Mary: Is it better?
Sheldon: It's different. What kind of person takes something that doesn't belong to them and changes it behind their back?
Mary: Well, m-maybe he thought he was doing the best thing for your computer.
Sheldon: It's my computer. It should have been my decision. I don't even have a room to storm off to!

Mandy: Sounds like things went better with my parents.
Mary: Yes. All good. We were both being stubborn before.
Mandy: Yeah, I know this is hard, but... thank you for letting us make our own decisions for our kid.
Mary: Mm-hmm. [throat breaks]
Mandy: You okay?
Mary: Yeah, yeah. Mm. But, um... there's something you should know. CeeCee... accidentally got splashed here in the sink this morning.
Mandy: So what?
Mary: Uh, Pastor Jeff did the splashing while he was baptizing her. [Mandy gasps] That's all.

Mandy: Can you believe it?
Audrey: I'm not surprised she would do something like this. But don't worry... I was one move ahead.
Mandy: What does that mean?
Audrey: It means my granddaughter's soul is safe.
Mandy: What did you do?
Audrey: Is that the sweater I bought you? Oh, it looks so cute.
Mandy: What did you do?!
Audrey: I baptized her. Grow up.

Georgie: So we're really not gonna invite our folks?
Mandy: Is that okay?
Georgie: Mm, I guess the only person I need there is you.
Dale: Oh. A spite wedding. I had one of those.
Meemaw: Shut up. Let me get my purse.

Georgie: Let me ask you a question. Can you un-baptize somebody?
Sheldon: Well, since it's a magical ceremony that doesn't mean anything, then, sure, why not? In the name of science and reason, I un-baptize you.
Georgie: No, not me. Put it back.
Sheldon: Oh. Okay. Control-Z. You're baptized.

Sheldon: Well, you're lucky it was just a baby and not a computer.
Georgie: It don't look broken.
Sheldon: "Doesn't." And it isn't.
Georgie: "Ain't."
Sheldon: Point is, my roommate went behind my back.
Georgie: Did he at least mean well?
Sheldon: Absolutely. He's a nice fella.
Georgie: Then what's your problem?
Sheldon: I'll show you.
Computer Voice: Check. Checkmate. Computer wins.
Sheldon: And it's set to novice level.
Georgie: I don't understand a damn thing I'm looking at.

Mandy: I'm not a lawyer, but you could make the argument that my child was kidnapped, twice. And you'd think Georgie would be on my side, but he wasn't even upset.
Meemaw: Well, you know, sometimes men can be... idiots.
Dale: Lovable idiots.

Meemaw: You know, sometimes grandparents just think they can do whatever they want.
Mandy: And they can't.
Meemaw: That's right. Great-grandparents, on the other hand, well, they get a free pass.
Dale: 'Cause they got one foot in the grave.
Meemaw: Take a break.

Mandy: Y'all got anything going on today?
Meemaw: Not much.
Dale: Well, I had a nap on the docket.

Mary: Good morning. [Missy grunts] Since when do you drink coffee?
Missy: Since I didn't get any sleep last night.
Mary: Aw, honey. Bad dreams?
Missy: I wish. I had to hear people doing it all night.
Mary: Oh. You heard that?
Missy: Yes, and it was disgusting.
Mary: I'm sorry. It's just that your father and I were apart all summer...
Missy: Oh, my God. I was talking about Mandy and Georgie.
Mary: Oh. Right.

George: Yeah, it was real nice of you two to pay for the wedding.
Jim: Well, you know, parents of the bride, tradition.
George: Yeah. If you need us to help out at all, we can kick in.
Jim: No, we got it.
George: [laughs] Good, 'cause we can't.

Missy: Ew! You were doing it, too?
Mary: Well, it's... different. Your father and I are married, so when we're... amorous...
Missy: I don't want to hear about this.
George: [enters] [yawns] What's for breakfast? I am hungry. [chuckles]
Missy: Nope. [gets up and walks away]
George: What's her problem?
Missy: Thin walls.
Mary: [sighs] She heard Mandy and Georgie... You know.
George: Oh [groans] At least she didn't hear us. [Mary sighs]

Mary: You need to talk to your son.
George: About what?
Mary: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with him and Mandy being intimate.
George: They have a baby, Mare. You're a little late to the party.

Mary: Well, you're living together, sleeping together, doing... other things together.
Mandy: [quietly] Told you we were being too loud.
Georgie: I'm ticklish, I can't help it.
Mary: Okay. I just think, if you're gonna be doing that, you should be married.
Georgie: I thought when you got married you stop doing that.
Mary: No, in fact... Don't change the subject.

Mandy: Hey, where are my folks?
[George shares a look with Mary]
Mandy: Oh, what'd she do?
Mary: I-I don't want to put you in the middle.
Georgie: Great. I'm gonna make a plate before Dad finishes it all.
George: What? I... There's 14 pounds.
Georgie: We're saying the same thing, big boy.

Audrey: You people don't even dance. What kind of a wedding is that?
Mary: It is about the union of two souls, not doing the hokeypokey.
Jim: Well, George, it was nice while it lasted.
George: Yeah, you take care of yourself.
Audrey: Hell of a lot more fun than a reception with no alcohol.
Mary: That's all you people care about, drinking.
Audrey: Jesus drank wine!
Mary: Well, he probably had to to put up with people like you!

Audrey: And if a big wedding is what's gonna make you happy, then I want to do that for you.
Mandy: Okay, what's the catch?
Audrey: No catch. And if you want to get married at City Hall, that's fine, too.
Mandy: Dad, Mom's being weird.
Jim: [o.s.] I'm not here.
Audrey: I just... I just want to make things right between us.
Mandy: Okay. Thanks. So what happens now? I'm not used to ending a conversation where one of us doesn't storm out.
Audrey: How about a hug?
Mandy: Okay. [they hug]
Jim: Oh, that is weird.

Mary: She just thinks she can take over the whole wedding.
George: Well, they are paying for it.
Mary: So they can just buy CeeCee's soul?
George: No, no, no, you're right.
Mary: [sighs] How can you be eating right now?
George: I was up at 4:00 a.m. spritzing this thing. Come on, try some.
Mary: I'm not hungry.
George: You sound hungry.
Mary: Fine. [eats] Okay, it's delicious, but it doesn't change anything.

Mandy: What do you want?
Georgie: I brought you some flowers.
Mandy: You didn't have to do that.
Georgie: I had to do something to apologize.
Mandy: For?
Georgie: For... not being on your side?
Dale: Attaboy.
Mandy: Thank you.

Mandy: So, what am I gonna do? I mean, I live with Mary, and... I'm stuck with my mother.
Meemaw: Well, there have to be consequences. Maybe you could start by cutting off access to CeeCee for a little while.
Mandy: Yeah, but then I have no babysitters.
Meemaw: Well, let's keep thinking.
Mandy: Unless you two are volunteering.
Dale: Keep thinking.

Sheldon: I'll get the monitor and the computer, you get the printer.
Mary: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Evan: Don't forget the modem.
Sheldon: Mm.
Mary: I thought you were in school.
Sheldon: Oh, I was. Evan and I just came here to get my computer.
Mary: I'm guessing this is Evan.
Sheldon: Yes. Isn't he great?
Mary: Uh, Shelly, we're kind of in the middle of something.
Mandy: Oh, still? I was hoping we were done.
Mary: No, not done.
Sheldon: Just pretend we're not here, as I'm doing with you.

Sheldon: Wait, a wedding? Does that mean I have to be the best man?
Georgie: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay. But I am the best, and I am a man, just listen to my voice. Okay, I'll do it.
Evan: Can I come?
Sheldon: Sure.
Mandy: No.
Sheldon: [shakes his head] No.
Evan: Aw.

Mandy: Mom around?
Jim: Why?
Mandy: I'm not looking for a fight. I just have a wedding update.
Jim: Mm, sounds like fighting words to me.
Mandy: Dad.
Jim: Audrey! Mandy's here. She says she's not looking for a fight.
Audrey: [enters] Hello, Amanda.
Mandy: Hi, Mom.
Jim: [shivers] Just get chilly in here or what? [laughs]

Mandy: Just wanted you both to know that, uh, Georgie and I are gonna be going down to City Hall next Friday, and I was hoping you'd be there.
Audrey: City Hall? Is that really what you want?
Mandy: Well, it's not our first choice, but, you know, after the tornado, it's kind of all we can afford.
Jim: 'Course we'll be there.
Audrey: If you want a bigger wedding, we'll pay for it.
Mandy: What? I-I thought you were too embarrassed for us to have a big wedding.
Jim: Excuse me, I'm j... I'm gonna, uh...
Audrey: I don't want to argue. I just want to be part of my granddaughter's life, part of your life.
Mandy: And Georgie's?
Audrey: Mm-hmm.

Georgie: Mind if I crash here tonight?
Sheldon: I do.
Georgie: Yeah, well, I'm crashing here tonight.
Sheldon: Fine.

Father Donovan: I baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Audrey: Amen. [panting] Here's a little something for you.

Adult Sheldon: Evan upgraded my computer, which made it smarter. There was one problem... the darn thing was smarter than me.
Computer Voicer: Check. [Sheldon groans]

Mary: It's just... Your mother's trying to get you to do things her way, and I... want you to have the wedding that you want.
Mandy: Which would be the wedding that you want.
Mary: Or do we want the same thing?
[George stammers and jestures with his fork as he stops Georgie from intervening]
Mandy: Spit it out, Mary.
Mary: [sighs] Your mother is insisting that you get married in the Catholic church.
Mandy: And you want us to get married in the Baptist church.
Mary: It's an option, but anywhere is fine.
Mandy: Is it?
Georgie: Yeah, but you can't drink and dance at a Baptist wedding.
Mary: Was I talking to you?
George: [whispers] Dumbass.

Mandy: And they both went behind our backs. I mean... [scoffs] can you believe that?
Georgie: Well, my mom's pretty religious, so that makes sense.
Mandy: And you're just... okay with this?
Georgie: Is it that big a deal? They sprinkled some water on CeeCee's head and asked God to look out for her. Where's the harm?
Mandy: Do I have to explain it to you?
Georgie: No. [off Mandy's look] But could you?

Jim: It's okay. I get to walk my daughter down the aisle. Can't put a price on that.
George: Mm. Yeah. I was real happy to hear Mandy and her mom are getting along.
Jim: Oh, me, too. You know, I wouldn't say this to either of 'em, but they're both a little, uh...
George: Willful?
Jim: Sure, let's go with willful.

Mary: I'm so glad they're having a real wedding.
Audrey: Mm.
Mary: I got married at City Hall, and I've always kind of regretted it.
Audrey: We went all out. I had a gown made special in Dallas with shoes to match, and a white cowboy hat with a rhinestone brim.
Mary: Oh. You must've been so beautiful. Did Jim wear a tux?
Audrey: Probably. I don't really remember.

Mary: Do you think Mandy'll let us help her pick out a dress?
Audrey: I hope so.
Mary: Mm.
Audrey: When she was a TV weather girl, you wouldn't believe the outfits she wore.
Mary: Oh, I'm sure she looked cute.
Audrey: Maybe if she was doing the weather on the street corner.

Mary: Well, I'm sure she'll dress modestly for church. They are having a church wedding, right?
Audrey: Oh, they are definitely having a church wedding. That is one thing I am not budging on.
Mary: Good, you and I are both on the same page there.
Audrey: In fact, I already talked to Father Donovan.
Mary: [chuckles] Oh. Uh, is that your father?
Audrey: No. [laughs] He's our priest.
Mary: Oh. So, you think they're getting married in a Catholic church?
Audrey: Well, of course, we're Catholic.

Mary: Well, whatever they decide with CeeCee, that is up to them.
Audrey: And the Lord.
Mary: Amen.
Audrey: Amen, indeed.
[George and Jim share a look]

Mary: It was silly of us to put our stuff onto the kids.
Audrey: [chuckles] It's their wedding.
George: Weddings make everyone crazy. [chuckles]
Mary: They're also a celebration of love.
George: Sure. [drinks beer]

Jim: This is delicious.
George: Mm. You should've tried it two days ago.
Jim: [chuckles] I wanted to. But, instead, we left. [laughs; stops after he looks at Audrey]