Sheldon: These people clearly don't know what ten percent means.
Missy: What are you talking about? This is the list of all the people who belong to the church and how much money they donate. Dorothy and Fred Nelson gave a dollar last week.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: They own the Piggly Wiggly. They can afford to give much more.

Dr. Lee: I suggest we mount a radio telescope on the roof so that we can get a good read on the fluctuations in radiation.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. We'll pick a small region of the sky and drill down.
Dr. John Sturgis: Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. We need at least a 45-square-degree sector of the sky in order to take any meaningful readings.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous. What we need to do is cut a single linear section across the horizon.
Dr. Linkletter: No, if we don't focus, we won't get any useful data. I suggest 20 arc minutes max. The trick is to pick a good spot.
Dr. John Sturgis: You want a trick? Go see David Copperfield.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I make you disappear?
Dr. Lee: [claps] Do I need to separate you? Or can we try to put our minds together for the advancement of science?
Dr. Linkletter: The second one.
Sheldon: I know you're new here, ma'am, but this is our process. They argue, I swoop in and save the day. It may seem unorthodox to you, however... [Dr. Lee claps again] The- The second one.

Missy: I'm liking my crock monster.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mmm. Me, too.
Sheldon: I can't taste anything after the lemon water.

Sheldon: In the meantime, can I call AAA?
Mary: Can it please wait?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: [sighs] Card is in my purse.
Sheldon: You're what guys call "a keeper."

Sheldon: Your mother lets you wear lipstick?
Paige: Of course not.
Sheldon: Interesting. Does she know you're leading a double life?
Paige: Grow up.
Sheldon: Why do you think you're rebelling against parental authority?
Paige: Isn't it obvious? I'm having a textbook reaction to their divorce.
Sheldon: What textbook? Did you get it from the library?

Pastor Jeff: Who would like to tell us how God touched their lives this week? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: He didn't, because He doesn't exist.
Pastor Jeff: Then why raise your hand?
Sheldon: Not just any hand. My left hand. Because I'm able to overcome any obstacle.
Pastor Jeff: And maybe God helped you do that.
Sheldon: Actually, it was Stephen Hawking, and he's better because he exists.
Pastor Jeff: Yes, 'cause God made him. Anybody else? [Billy raises his hand] Billy.
Billy Sparks: Is this gonna be on the test?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: And then he ripped up my paper right in front of me.
Mary: What is this man's problem?
Sheldon: I don't know. He didn't even use a ruler. He just ripped it up, willy-nilly.
Mary: Do you want me to call the school?
Sheldon: No, he was in the Army. I want him to think I'm tough.
Mary: Sure. Well, I'm sorry you had a bad day. How about a little trip to RadioShack?
Sheldon: RadioShack's not gonna make this better. It's also not gonna make it worse, so okay.
Mary: You got it.
Sheldon: Maybe he was just intimidated by my intelligence.
Mary: Or maybe he's an insecure bully taking out his frustrations on a little boy.
Sheldon: I like my version better where I'm intimidating and not a helpless child.
Mary: Okay, he's taking out his frustrations on a powerful and intimidating young man.
Sheldon: That works.

Paige: What do you think the prize is? We get to go home?
Sheldon: Is the joke that leaving would be a reward?
Paige: Yes.
Sheldon: I get that joke. [smirks]

Adult Sheldon: To avoid looking suspicious, I tried to interact with my mom as little as possible. Thankfully, it's rude to speak with your mouth full.
Mary: You look tired, baby. Sleep okay?
Sheldon: [shoveling food into his mouth] Mm-hmm.
Mary: So how big a tax refund you think we're gonna get?
Sheldon: [pointing at his mouth] Mm.

Mary: Shelly, I got you something.
Sheldon: The Professor Proton Science Kit! Wait a minute. Last time you gave me a present for no reason, I had to get a booster shot.
Mary: Nothing like that. I was just thinking, it might be a fun thing for you to share with Paige.
Sheldon: Sharing. Sometimes I feel like you don't know me.
Mary: Paige is having a rough time at home right now, and I think she could really use a friend.
Sheldon: A crocodile could really use a meal, but that doesn't mean I should leap into his mouth.
Adult Sheldon: This was the woman who cut the crusts off my sandwiches. She had me.
Sheldon: Into the mouth I go.

Adult Sheldon: My sister encouraged me to embrace adolescence as a journey of scientific discovery. I stood before a whole new teenage world of music, slang words and even clothing styles. [Sheldon removes a red Flash t-shirt] Pretty groovy, huh?
[Sheldon stands in front of his bedroom mirror wearing the red Flash t-shirt over a blue undershirt]
Sheldon: Wow, I might look too cool.

Missy: You're so weird.
Sheldon: More than usual?
Missy: No, I guess not.
Sheldon: Perfect.

Sheldon: What is that? A bug bite?
[fantasy: a man (Penn Gillette) addresses the camera from a large chair:]
A.V.: Hello, allow me to introduce myself. I am Acne Vulgarus. More commonly known as the pimple. Frankly, neither name paints a very pretty picture, but such is the life of a pustule. [a smaller man (Teller) is seated on a stool] And this is my longtime colleague, Pus. Now, we're usually associated with, uh, ugliness and discomfort, but I would argue we're actually a symbol of growth. In this case, Sheldon Cooper's ascent... or descent... into adulthood. Kind of a signpost that says, "You are now entering puberty." [Pus holds up a sign reading exactly that] Yeah, like that.

George Jr.: [calls] Missy? Sheldon!
[As Georgie barges into the cabin, a startled Sheldon wakes up and falls off his crate. Missy is a woken and flings the lamp at the wall]
George Jr.: [gasps] What the hell?!
Missy: You scared me.
George Jr.: You scared me.
Sheldon: Everyone scared me.

Dr. Lee: How can I help you?
Sheldon: I feel like my contributions aren't being taken seriously.
Dr. Lee: Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm listening to everyone's contributions.
Sheldon: But you're not taking any of mine.
Dr. Lee: No. But Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis seem happy with the direction we're headed.
Sheldon: Well, I think it's because you're using your feminine wiles.
Dr. Lee: And what exactly do you think that means?
Sheldon: I'm not sure, but you are wearing lip gloss and seem to have good hygiene. And if you're trying to use them on me, it's not going to work.
Dr. Lee: Sheldon, I assure you that I'm just trying to do what's best for the project.
Sheldon: Excellent, then you'll want to set up several telescopes in an array.
Dr. Lee: I hear you, but... ghobe'.
Sheldon: Wait, that's "no" in Klingon. Do you speak Klingon?
Dr. Lee: I looked up that one word. I had a feeling it would come in handy. [Sheldon grunts]

Pastor Jeff: Okay, campers! Bible trivia time. For a Noah's Ark rain poncho, what was Peter's original name? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Peter's original name was Simon.
Pastor Jeff: Correct!
Sheldon: You didn't know that one, did you?
Paige: Yes, I did. He was also known as Cephas.
Sheldon: Then why didn't you raise your hand?
Paige: 'Cause I don't care.

Adult Sheldon: The next day I returned to my role as lab assistant with renewed vigor. Bolts were greased, wires were stripped, floors were swept, all with a smile. It was a forced smile but you'd never know.
Dr. Linkletter: I must say, Sheldon, I'm impressed.
Sheldon: I gave you my word and I'm standing by it.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I know it's not glamorous, but all scientists pay their dues.
Sheldon: And I'm happy to do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: I understand my role here. In fact, I noticed a flaw in your reaction rates, but I kept it to myself because I know my place.
Dr. Linkletter: You really think there's a flaw?
Sheldon: Oh, yes.
Dr. Linkletter: What is it?
Sheldon: I appreciate you testing me, but I'm not going to crack.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not testing you.
Sheldon: Nice try.

Sheldon: I will not be denied my jelly. [lid pops] Yes! Watch out, peanut butter. You're next.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Dr. Linkletter?
Man: No.
Sheldon: Sorry. You and he have the same loafers. Carry on.

Mary: Doesn't look like a bug bite.
Missy: It's probably a pimple.
Sheldon: It's not, I don't get those.
[fantasy: A.V. continues to address the camera from his chair, while Pus is blowing up a balloon while seated on a stool:]
A.V.: As you might expect, we pimples are not very fond of popping things, but I was about to burst this young man's bubble. [Pus pops the balloon]
[reality:]
Missy: Oh, yeah, that's a zit.
Sheldon: No, it's not. My hygiene is impeccable.
Missy: Zit.
Mary: Everybody gets 'em sooner or later, baby.
Sheldon: I'm not everybody.
[fantasy:]
A.V.: No one is ever happy to see me. My therapist says that's their problem, not mine. [Pus rolls his eyes] But, honestly, it hurts. [Pus makes a mocking gesture] Pus? This is supposed to be a safe space. [Pus continues mocking A.V.]