George Jr.: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
George Jr.: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
George Jr.: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
George Jr.: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

George Sr.: I really appreciate this, Dale.
Dale: Smuggling cigarettes? What the hell was she thinking?
George Sr.: It was Georgie's idea.
Dale: Well, that makes more sense. Well, whose truck we taking?
George Sr.: You're coming?
Dale: My ex-girlfriend in jail at the Mexican border? [chuckles] I got to take pictures.
George Sr.: [scoffs] All right, I'll drive.
Dale: But we got to stop and get film.

Meemaw: I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.
Waiter: And for you?
Dale: Uh, just the house salad, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Meemaw: House salad? You watching your figure?
Dale: I have a physical tomorrow.
Meemaw: Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?
Dale: Can't hurt.
Meemaw: It ain't gonna undo years of red meat and beer.
Dale: I'm not trying to undo it, I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

George Sr.: It's like she's a different person.
Dale: That reminds me of a film. A lady fell off a boat, she hit her head, and when she woke up, she was a completely different person.
George Sr.: What's your point?
Dale: Did Mary fall off a boat recently?
George Sr.: Not that I know of.
Dale: Well, you should ask her.
George Sr.: We're not boat people, Dale.

Dale: You actually bought this thing?
Meemaw: It's fun, huh?
Dale: I feel like I'm riding in a banana.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. It's a beautiful day. The top is down. Feel that wind.
Dale: Yeah, I feel the wind. I just can't feel my feet.
Meemaw: Well, put your seat back.
Dale: If I put it any further back, I'd be in the trunk.
Meemaw: Starting to wish I had put you in the trunk. [Dale covers his mouth] What are you doing now?
Dale: Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.

Dale: I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Missy: Meemaw told you?
Dale: She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
Missy: So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
Dale: I was just being nice.
Missy: Since when are you nice?
Dale: Well, don't get used to it. Just go strike out your boyfriend.

George Jr.: [answers phone] Hello?
Dale: Hi, it's Dale. Listen, you gotta tell your dad.
George Jr.: Well, I will, eventually.
Dale: Well, if you don't, I'm gonna.
George Jr.: I just need more time to figure things out.
Dale: Well, your dad's sniffing around here, he's asking a lot of questions.
George Jr.: What kind of questions?
Dale: Like why are you talking to me instead of him?
George Jr.: Why does he care?
Dale: His feelings are hurt.
George Jr.: That's weird.
Dale: I know. 'Cause talking to you ain't great.
George Sr.: [opens door] Can I get a hand with something?
Dale: Yeah. [on the phone] Oh, gotta go. I love you, Mom. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
George Sr.: Your mom's still alive?
Dale: Huh?

George Jr.: I'm not really in trouble. I'm just dating this girl, and she's a little older than me.
Dale: What's the problem?
George Jr.: She doesn't exactly know how much older than me she is.
Dale: How much older is she?
George Jr.: Like ten years. But she's blond and she's really hot.
Dale: Well, that doesn't matter. I mean, if you're lying to her, that's not okay.
George Jr.: Hold on. You're saying if you were my age and dating this hot girl, you'd tell her the truth and blow your chances?
Dale: Well, that's not the question you asked me.

George Jr.: So, what would you really do?
Dale: [exhales] She married?
George Jr.: No.
Dale: She got kids?
George Jr.: No.
Dale: I don't see the problem.
George Jr.: Thank you.
Dale: My pleasure. You're like the son I never wanted.

Dale: So instead of traveling around the country with me, she'd rather smuggle cigarettes and rot in jail. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?
George Sr.: I don't know. Bad?
Dale: Damn right, bad. Treated that woman like a queen.
George Sr.: Didn't you break up with her?
Dale: [huffs] That was a bluff. Never thought she'd call it.
George Sr.: Well, you are coming to her rescue. Maybe this'll turn things around.
Dale: Who says I want her back?
George Sr.: Great, you don't want her back. Let's drop it.
Dale: I will say one thing. I miss the sex.
George Sr.: Oh, God.
Dale: She is vivacious. And not just for a woman her age.
George Sr.: Oh, look, a hitchhiker. Let's pick him up. Maybe he'll kill me.

George Jr.: Can I talk to you?
Dale: Am I in trouble?
George Jr.: No. It's about a girl.
Dale: Oh. You're in trouble. Yeah, sure.

June: [on answer machine] Hey, Connie, it's June. You know, I don't feel good about what happened the other night, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Could you give me a call back? Thanks. Bye. [machine beeps]
Meemaw: That's nice.
Dale: I don't know why you get an apology. I'm the one she was trying to piss off.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Looks like she's still doing it.
Dale: All the years we were married, I never once got an apology.
Meemaw: Well, you're not exactly the apologizing kind yourself, you know.
Dale: Well, that's not true. For years after we broke up, I was telling people I was sorry I married her.

Meemaw: The gambling room's doing well.
Dale: I can see that, Scarface. But why is it here?
Meemaw: Well, I can't exactly take it down to the bank.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: They'd bust me for money laundering.
Dale: Well, it's small bills. Tell them you're a stripper.
Meemaw: It's $14,000.
Dale: Well, tell them you're a good stripper.

George Sr.: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George Sr.: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George Sr.: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.

Meemaw: At what age do guys stop acting like idiots?
Dale: Oh, no. What'd I do now?
Meemaw: Not you. Georgie's dating an older woman and he's lying about his age.
Dale: Oh. That rascal.
Meemaw: You already knew.
Dale: You don't know what I know.
Meemaw: I see it in your face.
Dale: [sighs] Fine.

Meemaw: Well, I hope you told him that he has to come clean.
Dale: ... I did.
Meemaw: Sounds like there's a "but" on the way.
Dale: [sighs] But then he asked me what I would've done.
Meemaw: Dale.
Dale: Well, uh, you don't know all the facts.
Meemaw: What are the facts?
Dale: [clears throat] He said that she was blond and hot.
Meemaw: And that makes it okay to lie?
Dale: At my age, no. At his age...? [off Meemaw's look] No.

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.