Adult Sheldon: That night, my meemaw was so inspired to be part of our science experiment, she began working on it as soon as she got home. She was in the zone. She was focused. She was determined. She was also 68 and had eaten a lot of pizza.
Meemaw: [snoring]
[dream sequence:]
Announcer: [v.o.] And the Nobel Prize for Science goes to Connie Tucker! [applause]
Meemaw: Oh, my goodness, y'all are so sweet. [chuckles] I want to thank my brilliant grandson Sheldon and his pal Dr. Linkletter, for bringing me in on the experiment. I'd like to thank my Aunt Linda for teaching me to crochet when I was knee-high to a June bug. [laughter] And everyone, for making me... "The Meemaw of Science." [cheering, applause]
Audience: [chanting] Meemaw! Meemaw! Meemaw!

Meemaw: Well, let's get into it. What happened? If it's another woman, she's a tramp, and you're way prettier.
Brenda Sparks: No. Although sometimes I wish there was. Then I'd have someone to be mad at other than myself.
Meemaw: And here I thought this one was gonna be the sad sack.
Mary: Mom, that is enough.
Meemaw: Oh, there's my little killjoy. [both laughing]

Meemaw: Do you really think your supercollider could make a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: There is about a one-in-a-trillion chance it could.
Meemaw: Friendly advice... next time somebody asks you if your work could destroy the world, just say no.

Dale: Uh, okay, just give me a sense of how illegal this is.
Meemaw: Who says it's illegal?
Dale: Well, why is it a secret?
Meemaw: Okay, it's illegal.

Meemaw: So I'm thinking dark red, like a speakeasy. And maybe a little bar in the corner.
Dale: Well, you're gonna need a liquor license.
Meemaw: Oh, right. 'Cause I don't want to break the law in my illegal gambling room.

Meemaw: [scraping] 67 years old, scraping Tootsie Roll out of a clothes dryer.
Georgie: Hey.
Meemaw: What do you want?
Georgie: I want to help you out.
Meemaw: Oh, I knew you'd come back. Listen, I got most of it, but there's this one chunk in there that won't let go.

Meemaw: What kind of contribution are we talking?
Jake: [inhales] Well, that's up to you. Oh, I understand that somewhere between 9 and 11% is popular.
Meemaw: Ten percent?
Jake: [chuckles] If you insist.
Meemaw: How about three?
Jake: Three what? Three counts of illegal gambling? Three years in jail?
[cut to:]
Meemaw: I'm paying you in quarters.

Sheldon: How are you holding up?
Meemaw: With what?
Sheldon: The death of Isaac Asimov.
Meemaw: Who?
Sheldon: Pop Pop's favorite science fiction writer, remember?
Meemaw: [chuckles] At this rate, you're lucky I remember Pop Pop.
Sheldon: Well, he gave me Asimov's Foundation trilogy for my fifth birthday.
Meemaw: I remember he used to try to get me to read that stuff. Boring!
Sheldon: Boring? Asimov invented the laws of robotics and the concept of a galactic empire.
Meemaw: If a book doesn't have a shirtless guy with long hair on the cover, I ain't reading it.
Sheldon: You're missing out.
Meemaw: I'm really not.

Meemaw: What's up?
Missy: Why won't Mom and Dad tell us what's going on?
Meemaw: Well, there might be several reasons for that, but right off the top of my head, I'd say none of your damn business.
Sheldon: Mom's having a baby, and that's none of our business?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Is that what you think's going on?
Missy: Isn't it?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Then what's going on?
Meemaw: None of your damn business.

Meemaw: How much is the fine?
Judge Landry: Why don't we say $2,500?
Meemaw: Let's say $500.
Judge Landry: This is not a negotiation.
Meemaw: I hear ya. $750.

Pastor Jeff: Hey there, Connie. What brings you by?
Meemaw: I just wanted to drop off a little gift.
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing? I think you know how I feel about this movie.
Meemaw: I do. I also know how your wife feels about it.
Pastor Jeff: What?
Meemaw: She's rented it five times. That's a lot of shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Pastor Jeff: Must be some mistake.
Meemaw: There isn't. Shall we talk about Fatal Attraction?
Pastor Jeff: Do we have to?
Meemaw: Six times.

Pastor Jeff: Are you blackmailing me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Pastor Jeff: Well, it's not gonna work. I'm a man of principles and I stand by them.
Meemaw: And I respect that. So let's talk about what your church elders are renting.
Pastor Jeff: [scoffs] Oh, come on.
Meemaw: Want to know?
Pastor Jeff: Is it bad?
Meemaw: It's Porky's bad. [Pastor Jeff squeals] How your principles feeling now?
Adult Sheldon: I'm going to end this story so you don't have to see a grown man beg for mercy.
Pastor Jeff: Connie, please.

Meemaw: Okay. I'm just gonna set this right here between you. And remember, just one hand at a time.
Missy: Thank you, Meemaw.
Meemaw: I'll just be upstairs, unless I'm downstairs. [whispers] I could be anywhere.
Missy: Got it.

George: So, we've narrowed it down to five schools. We got Caltech and Stanford in California.
Meemaw: The left coast.
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: It is.
George: Can I continue?
Meemaw: Also known as the land of fruits and nuts. Continue.
George: And on the East Coast, we got MIT, Harvard and Princeton.
Meemaw: Damn Yankees.
George: We can't move the schools, Connie.

Mary: If you're worried about being far away, they're all offering to pay for travel expenses so you can come home for the holidays.
Missy: But to be clear, you don't have to.
Mary: And we can also come and visit you.
Meemaw: Ooh, free trip. I like that.
George: You were just complaining about these places.
Meemaw: I can complain on a beach.