Meemaw: Well, let's get into it. What happened? If it's another woman, she's a tramp, and you're way prettier.
Brenda Sparks: No. Although sometimes I wish there was. Then I'd have someone to be mad at other than myself.
Meemaw: And here I thought this one was gonna be the sad sack.
Mary: Mom, that is enough.
Meemaw: Oh, there's my little killjoy. [both laughing]

Meemaw: Do you really think your supercollider could make a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: There is about a one-in-a-trillion chance it could.
Meemaw: Friendly advice... next time somebody asks you if your work could destroy the world, just say no.

Dale: Uh, okay, just give me a sense of how illegal this is.
Meemaw: Who says it's illegal?
Dale: Well, why is it a secret?
Meemaw: Okay, it's illegal.

Meemaw: So I'm thinking dark red, like a speakeasy. And maybe a little bar in the corner.
Dale: Well, you're gonna need a liquor license.
Meemaw: Oh, right. 'Cause I don't want to break the law in my illegal gambling room.

Meemaw: [scraping] 67 years old, scraping Tootsie Roll out of a clothes dryer.
Georgie: Hey.
Meemaw: What do you want?
Georgie: I want to help you out.
Meemaw: Oh, I knew you'd come back. Listen, I got most of it, but there's this one chunk in there that won't let go.

Meemaw: What kind of contribution are we talking?
Jake: [inhales] Well, that's up to you. Oh, I understand that somewhere between 9 and 11% is popular.
Meemaw: Ten percent?
Jake: [chuckles] If you insist.
Meemaw: How about three?
Jake: Three what? Three counts of illegal gambling? Three years in jail?
[cut to:]
Meemaw: I'm paying you in quarters.

Sheldon: How are you holding up?
Meemaw: With what?
Sheldon: The death of Isaac Asimov.
Meemaw: Who?
Sheldon: Pop Pop's favorite science fiction writer, remember?
Meemaw: [chuckles] At this rate, you're lucky I remember Pop Pop.
Sheldon: Well, he gave me Asimov's Foundation trilogy for my fifth birthday.
Meemaw: I remember he used to try to get me to read that stuff. Boring!
Sheldon: Boring? Asimov invented the laws of robotics and the concept of a galactic empire.
Meemaw: If a book doesn't have a shirtless guy with long hair on the cover, I ain't reading it.
Sheldon: You're missing out.
Meemaw: I'm really not.

Meemaw: What's up?
Missy: Why won't Mom and Dad tell us what's going on?
Meemaw: Well, there might be several reasons for that, but right off the top of my head, I'd say none of your damn business.
Sheldon: Mom's having a baby, and that's none of our business?
Meemaw: [chuckles] Is that what you think's going on?
Missy: Isn't it?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Then what's going on?
Meemaw: None of your damn business.

Meemaw: How much is the fine?
Judge Landry: Why don't we say $2,500?
Meemaw: Let's say $500.
Judge Landry: This is not a negotiation.
Meemaw: I hear ya. $750.

Pastor Jeff: Hey there, Connie. What brings you by?
Meemaw: I just wanted to drop off a little gift.
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing? I think you know how I feel about this movie.
Meemaw: I do. I also know how your wife feels about it.
Pastor Jeff: What?
Meemaw: She's rented it five times. That's a lot of shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Pastor Jeff: Must be some mistake.
Meemaw: There isn't. Shall we talk about Fatal Attraction?
Pastor Jeff: Do we have to?
Meemaw: Six times.

Pastor Jeff: Are you blackmailing me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Pastor Jeff: Well, it's not gonna work. I'm a man of principles and I stand by them.
Meemaw: And I respect that. So let's talk about what your church elders are renting.
Pastor Jeff: [scoffs] Oh, come on.
Meemaw: Want to know?
Pastor Jeff: Is it bad?
Meemaw: It's Porky's bad. [Pastor Jeff squeals] How your principles feeling now?
Adult Sheldon: I'm going to end this story so you don't have to see a grown man beg for mercy.
Pastor Jeff: Connie, please.

Meemaw: Okay. I'm just gonna set this right here between you. And remember, just one hand at a time.
Missy: Thank you, Meemaw.
Meemaw: I'll just be upstairs, unless I'm downstairs. [whispers] I could be anywhere.
Missy: Got it.

George: So, we've narrowed it down to five schools. We got Caltech and Stanford in California.
Meemaw: The left coast.
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: It is.
George: Can I continue?
Meemaw: Also known as the land of fruits and nuts. Continue.
George: And on the East Coast, we got MIT, Harvard and Princeton.
Meemaw: Damn Yankees.
George: We can't move the schools, Connie.

Mary: If you're worried about being far away, they're all offering to pay for travel expenses so you can come home for the holidays.
Missy: But to be clear, you don't have to.
Mary: And we can also come and visit you.
Meemaw: Ooh, free trip. I like that.
George: You were just complaining about these places.
Meemaw: I can complain on a beach.

Meemaw: [enters] I need you to do me a favor.
Mary: Hello to you, too.
Meemaw: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look. I need you to sign some forms for me, no questions asked.
Mary: What am I signing?
Meemaw: We agreed no questions asked.
Sheldon: Given her criminal past, I'd advise caution.
Meemaw: Moon Pie, I love you, but shut it.