Dale: Well, I-I was married for 18 years and I got to tell you, those were the two best years of my life.
George Sr.: Ah. What's it like, you know, being single at your age?
Dale: Why, you thinking about it?
George Sr.: No, no, everything's fine. Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
Dale: Yeah. Come on, now. She's not here. Well, to answer your question, it's just great. See, I get to wander around my house in my underwear, and I can make whatever bodily noises I choose whenever I choose.
George Sr.: Ah. I do that now.
Dale: Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.

Sheldon: It's nice that you're going to socialize with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
George Sr.: I know. She's gonna hate it.

Coach Wilkins: Missy want to play ball?
George Sr.: How do you know I wasn't calling for Sheldon? Fine, it was Missy.

Mary: You were very rude to your grandmother.
Sheldon: Dad's rude to her all the time.
George Sr.: That is not... the point.

Coach Wilkins: Everything all right with Sheldon?
George Sr.: How much time you got? Why?
Coach Wilkins: Hasn't been in P.E. since Monday.
George Sr.: Really?
Coach Wilkins: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: He's here. I drove him. You check the places they like to stuff him?
Coach Wilkins: Lockers, trash cans, those bags we put the footballs in. Nothing.
George Sr.: Top of the flagpole?
Coach Wilkins: Nope.

George Sr.: The pastor's been married before. Is it really that big a deal?
Mary: Yes, George. It states very clearly in the Bible: "Among you there must not be even a hint of [hushed] sexual immorality."
George Sr.: That book is a bummer sometimes.

George Sr.: Honey, just 'cause they're both super smart doesn't mean that they're the same person. I mean, Sturgis was in love with your mom, so clearly he was nuts from the get-go.
Mary: You're not helping.
George Sr.: I'm not wrong, either. Love you.

George Sr.: I'm not interested.
George Jr.: You're gonna regret it.
George Sr.: Show me.
George Jr.: Texas snow globes.
Missy: Ooh.
George Jr.: The card store on Magnolia is going out of business. They're selling these for one dollar each. I sell 'em for five, and the money rolls in.
George Sr.: Does it worry you that the store selling these things is going out of business?

Assistant Coach Wilkins: You worried your kid just invited the whole school to your house?
George Sr.: At 5:00 in the morning for a Swedish science thing? [CHUCKLES] Not at all.

George Jr.: You're so cheap.
George Sr.: If you want cable, pay for it yourself. Or better yet, try turning that thing off and go read a book.
George Jr.: "Read a book"?

George Jr.: You know if we had cable, we'd have, like, 60 channels?
George Sr.: We have plenty of channels.
George Jr.: We have seven.
George Sr.: Hey! There are starving kids in Africa with no channels.
George Jr.: Come on, it don't cost much.
George Sr.: I'm not paying for television. Television is free. Always was, always will be.

George Sr.: You know, one thing I can say is that having a happy marriage is it's hard work.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, I know. As the pastor, people come to me with relationship problems all the time.
George Sr.: Bet you hear some juicy ones, huh?
Pastor Jeff: "Juicy" doesn't begin to describe it.
George Sr.: Oh, give me a sample.
Pastor Jeff: I can't. There's strict pastor-flock confidentiality.
George Sr.: Sure. Sure.
Pastor Jeff: Mm.
George Sr.: Mary doesn't tell you things about us, does she?
Pastor Jeff: I'm not at liberty to say.
George Sr.: But she does, doesn't she?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George Sr.: Yeah.

Pastor Jeff: Except I'm feeling kicked in the nethers right now, and he sure is taking his sweet time with the healing.
George Sr.: He takes his sweet time about a lot of things. Uh, not that I'm complaining. You know, his will, not mine, et cetera.

George Sr.: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

Mary: Where is he?
George Sr.: He's fine. He's in the bathroom workin' it out.
Mary: Shelly, you okay in there?
Sheldon: No.
George Sr.: Give it a few more minutes. Eyes on the prize!

George Sr.: You're gonna be fine. One good dump and you'll feel right as rain.
Sheldon: Can you please not call it that?
George Sr.: What, "dump"?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: You want me to say "poop"?
Sheldon: I want you to stop talking about it.
George Sr.: B.M.?
Sheldon: Dad!

Mary: Okay, let's talk about food.
George Sr.: No need to. He likes his meat cooked to at least 165 degrees, except for chicken which is 180. The different foods can't touch each other on the plate. Ketchup and mustard must come out of a packet. No bottles.
Mary: What about his issues with spaghetti?
George Sr.: That's a trick question. He likes spaghetti.

Trang Nguyen: Hello.
George Sr.: Hi. You must be Mrs ... Tam's mom. I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
Trang Nguyen: Nice to meet you.
George Sr.: Thanks for letting him spend the night. It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm quite apprehens-
George Sr.: He's really looking forward to it.

George Sr.: So, Sheldon, me and Georgie are gonna take a little road trip this weekend, see the shuttle launch.
George Jr.: Looks like I don't get a vote in this.
George Sr.: Oh, good, you're catching on.

Mary: George, you have to make an effort. Young boys who don't spend time with their daddies grow up to be oddballs.
George Sr.: Honey, I hate to tell you, but that ball is already pretty odd.