Sheldon: [on the phone] Dr. Sturgis has stolen my work and is using it in his own paper.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, that's quite the allegation.
Sheldon: It's not an allegation; it's a fact. He was getting enormous masses for his neutrinos, and I showed him how to fix it, but now he's refusing to list me as a coauthor.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I think he has a point.
Sheldon: Is the "he" in that sentence me? Because that is a strange way to phrase it.
Dr. Linkletter: No, the "he" is him. I don't play games with sentence structure.

Adult Sheldon: In an effort to find out the mistake in his experimental design, Dr. Linkletter performed his own experiment on me.
[title: "Reverse Psychology"]
Dr. Linkletter: You know, Sheldon, I don't even care if you tell me the error. In fact, I'd rather you keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: All right.
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yeah.
[title: "Bribery"]
Dr. Linkletter: I got you a little something for all your hard work. It's about a little boy who doesn't let being dead stop him from having fun.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Dr. Linkletter: [chuckles] Now that I've given you something, perhaps you want to reciprocate.
Sheldon: Sure. You can have this. I don't want it.
[title: "Disorientation", George Sr. is woken up by a phone call in the middle of the night]
George: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, may I speak with Sheldon?
George: It's the middle of the night. Who the hell is this?
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, wrong number. [dial tone]

Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I need you to talk to Dr. Sturgis. He's wasting his time working in a grocery store.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, then the rumor is true?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Good, I spread it heavily at the faculty mixer.
Sheldon: Well, please. He won't listen to me. I'm hoping you can talk some sense into him.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, he's a grown man. Perhaps in a little apron with a nametag... Is how I'm picturing it.
Sheldon: That's exactly right.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.

Sheldon: So, will you talk to him?
Dr. Linkletter: Look, if he doesn't want to come back, I certainly can't force him.
Sheldon: But he's wasting his potential.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm just curious, if he were to come back, would you spend more time with him, and therefore less time with me?
Sheldon: I suppose so. Why?
Dr. Linkletter: No reason. Get out.

Officer: Hey, pal, wake up.
Dr. Linkletter: [wakes up] What's happening?
Officer: You can't sleep there.
Dr. Linkletter: Right, sorry. Excuse me. You didn't happen to see a small bald man around here, did you? Possibly singing "Lollipop"?
Officer: What?
Dr. Linkletter: Never mind. [looks around] Where the hell am I?

Sheldon: So, spring break is just around the corner.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm counting the days.
Sheldon: Me, too. Have you reserved the lab yet?
Dr. Linkletter: Why would I do that?
Sheldon: Without the distraction of classes, you and I can really buckle down and get some work done.
Dr. Linkletter: I won't be here, Sheldon. It's my break, too.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not telling you where I'm going, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why not?
Dr. Linkletter: Because I'll be happy, and I want to stay that way. You're in college. You should be taking spring break as well.
Sheldon: And do what?
Dr. Linkletter: Traditionally, you would congregate with your peers and make bad decisions.
Sheldon: But I'm a kid.
Dr. Linkletter: Then perhaps a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Geez, you really do need a break.

Dr. Linkletter: How rude of me, Connie. Can I offer you a beverage? Soda, water, Snapple?
Meemaw: I'm fine.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'd take a Snapple.
Dr. Linkletter: You know where the fridge is.

Sheldon: Can we get back to the book?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, Connie, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it.
Meemaw: I think I've said my piece.
Sheldon: I have some thoughts.
Dr. Linkletter: And we'll get to those in due time. Don't you think Asimov did a remarkable job of capturing the poetic terror of the coming darkness?
Meemaw: I'm not sure I got that.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, listen to this. "Dusk, like a palpable entity, entered the room, and the dancing circle of yellow lights about the torches etched itself into ever-sharper distinction against the gathering grayness beyond." [Meemaw and John are silent]
Sheldon: Powerful.
Dr. Linkletter: Wasn't it?
[Meemaw shrugs her shoulders]

Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I was hoping we could discuss puberty.
Dr. Linkletter: Then allow me to dash your hopes. No.
Sheldon: But I think I may be entering it, and I would like to talk about it, man-to-blossoming-young-man.
Dr. Linkletter: Wouldn't you rather talk to your father or a schoolmate or literally anyone else?
Sheldon: But you went through it once. Sure, it was a long, long time ago, but I'm assuming the basics haven't changed.
Dr. Linkletter: Hold that thought.

Meemaw: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Connie. Grant Linkletter.
Meemaw: Hello, Grant. What can I do for you?
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I looked at my calendar and realized it's been six weeks since I last asked you out, so I thought I'd give it another shot.
Meemaw: You ask me out every six weeks?
Dr. Linkletter: Used to be nine, but we're not getting any younger.

Dr. Linkletter: [on the phone with a restaurant] Yes, two people at 8:00.
Sheldon: 8:00's a little late for Meemaw.
Dr. Linkletter: What time does she like to eat?
Sheldon: Well, she's old like you, so 6:30 at the latest.
Dr. Linkletter: Can we make that 6:30? Wonderful. Hold on. Does she like French food? [Sheldon gives a thumbs down] I'll call you back.
Sheldon: Anyway, Commander Data...
Dr. Linkletter: Let me ask you a question, if this Commander Data were taking your meemaw out for dinner, where would they go?
Sheldon: Almost certainly the holodeck.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds trendy. Is that in Houston?

Dr. Linkletter: You're not gonna believe this, but I don't go on a lot of dates.
Meemaw: No.
Dr. Linkletter: It's true. Sure, I did okay as a younger man, but there was a war on and most of the able-bodied men were elsewhere.
Meemaw: So, you sowed some oats, I get it.
Dr. Linkletter: A whole field of them. I was the Johnny Appleseed of oats.
Meemaw: Okay.
Dr. Linkletter: [laughs] But here's the thing. Once you put off matrimony past a certain point, women start to think of you as... What's the word?
Meemaw: Creepy?
Dr. Linkletter: There it is. And then along comes you, my little Texas firecracker, playing the game of life by her own set of rules.
Meemaw: I'm a firecracker, I'm a pineapple... Good for me.

Dr. Linkletter: President Hagemeyer, a word.
President Hagemeyer: Here's a word: Out.
Dr. Linkletter: I understand you're moving forward with Sheldon's grant database. I was an intrinsic part of that.
President Hagemeyer: Hm, Sheldon didn't mention you.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course he didn't, that pint-sized little credit hog.

Dr. Linkletter: It's open.
Sheldon: Hello. [Dr. Linkletter groans] I was wondering if I could have access to the lab on Sunday.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not here on Sunday.
Sheldon: Where will you be?
Dr. Linkletter: If I tell you that, you might go there.
Sheldon: Well, I told you where I'll be: the lab.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I need your help.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Let me just drop everything so I can be of assistance.
Sheldon: Thank you. [sighs] I'm trying to embrace failure, and I realized that social subtleties like sarcasm can sometimes evade me.
Dr. Linkletter: You don't say.
Sheldon: No, it's true. And I was hoping you could pepper our conversation with sarcasm, so I can try to identify it.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, boy, when do we start?
Sheldon: Now would be great.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, that was sarcasm.
Sheldon: Oh, let me try again.